I LOVE this song

It's in the singing of a street corner choir
It's going home and getting warm by the fire
It's true, where ever you find love, it feels like Christmas

A cup of kindness that we share with another
A sweet reunion with a friend or a brother
In all the places you find love, it feels like Christmas

It is the season of the heart
A special time of caring
The ways of love made clear 
It is the season of the Spirit

The message if we hear it
Is 'Make it last all year'

It's in the giving of a gift to another
A pair of mittens that were made by your mother
It's all the ways that we show love that feel like Christmas

A part of childhood we'll always remember
It is the summer of the soul in December
It's when you do your best for love, it feels like Christmas 

It is the season of the heart
A special time of caring
The ways of love made clear \

 It is the season of the spirit
The message if we hear it
Is 'Make it last all year'

It's in the singing of a street corner choir
It's going home and getting warm by the fire
It's true, where ever you find love, it feels like Christmas (all)

It's true, where ever you find love
It feels like Christmas
It feels like Christmas
It feels like Christmas
It feels like Christmas

A word to describe

This is an ode to my sisters, because the word friend seems hollow when trying to describe what these women are to me.

In the fall of 1999 I moved onto the campus of MVNC. It's ironic that the slogan of the school is "Life Changing", because it's cliche and cheesy, but 100% true in my experience. Sure, I learned stuff and got a degree and all that, but the thing that changed me the most were the women I met there. Some guys too, but mostly my women friends. We all assembled ourselves Freshman year. That year we even tried to petition to live off campus in a house my dad was going to buy me! Ha! I was so disappointed at the time but now I am so glad we weren't allowed to move to Ames St.

That year my family exploded just a bit. My dad had an affair with my step-mom's dearest friend. It was a nightmare. My dad had always been my rock and he was suddenly a lying cheat. My biological mom was a hot mess and she was in and out of my life and abusing drugs. I was usually embarrassed and ashamed and tried to put on a brave face, but I crumbled in front of these newish friends...and they carried me. They carried me in prayer, by making me laugh until I cried, by asking me the hard questions, by going with me to my hometown after Betty moved out. They loved me so well. I had never known friends like this before. Friends who could get on their knees and pray for me but also pile into a Geo Metro and drive around a golf course making my sides split with laughter.

We went to college on a dry campus and so we had a different college experience from most of our high school friends from home. Instead of going to keg parties and clubs, we went to the city center mall and watched movies. We went on drives and to Wal-Mart. We ate a lot of Taco Bell. Yet during this time God was knitting us together. I can't stress enough that we are and were knit together. Together we endured stuff like break-ups, bad grades, arguments with our parents and money woes. We also walked shoulder to shoulder when our parents were sick and when we had questions about who Jesus was. I sensed early on that these friends were lifelong. These women would be my tribe in this life's journey.

We've gone through some serious stuff, my friends and I. The other day Kelli spoke in chapel at MVNU and shared her story and what God did in her life through a series of devastating losses. It was a surreal moment in my life to be sitting in that big auditorium next to Summer and listening to Kelli tell some of her part of our bigger story. Babies have been born (lots of them!) and tragically we have mourned sweet babies gone before their mama's got to love on them outside the womb. Some babies born after much struggle to get them and some after a whoops! Babies that have been sick and their moms shook with fear, but we held vigil and sent cards and brought food (or walked the hospital grounds while I puked and cried...). We have loved babies not born of our bodies but of our hearts. We have buried grandparents, friends and even a mother. There have been cross country moves, job changes, home buying and selling and refinancing. Parents have had strokes, heart attacks, depression, cancer and one has remarried. We have rejoiced and danced and caught bouquets at each others weddings. Some of us got married when we were still in school and others of us wondered and waited and longed for what seemed like eternity.

What I mean to say is that as I have gone through these last 15 crazy beautiful, hard, wonderful years I have looked to my left and to my right and these ladies have been there. Cheering me on and praying for me and loving me when I was hard to love. I am not romanticizing or being sentimental, I am speaking the truth. Jenny, Amy, Liz, Maria, Beth, Elisha, Kelli, Summer, Tiffany, Wendy, Holly and Heather you ladies changed my life and have been the hands and feet of Jesus to me in ways I can't quite explain or put into words. You make me laugh until I cry and you pray when I just can't. There is distance in miles but it doesn't matter. Truth is, when I picture Heaven someday I often imagine it being a little bit like Maplewood 102.

Reese

On Friday October 10 my brother and his wife welcomed their first child! A precious baby girl named Reese Eileen. She is my first biological niece and I am over the moon about her. Rachel was a week "over due" and we were all on pins and needles waiting for the big day. Her labor was long and hard, but she was a warrior. She is one tough cookie! At 9:57pm Reese graced us all with her presence. When I first saw her I cried. She is just precious and beautiful. I look forward to the days ahead and the memories to be made with my girls and Reese. My cousins were some of my first and favorite friends as a child and I have hopes that our girls will grow up together.

One of the most wonderful parts of this new wee little girl is watching my brother fall head over heels in love with his baby daughter. He just can't stop smiling! He is overjoyed and says at night he just enjoys sitting there staring at her. It's adorable to see and I have choked up several times watching it. Today he called me a tad concerned about Reese's bowel movements. He was so concerned and so willing to try anything to get her to go. Five minutes later he texted me to let me know she had a blow out and all was well. Ha! She is so well loved and cared for by her parents. Dane is already and awesome dad and taking such great care of his girls!

Then there is Rachel. Rachel is walking around like she didn't just endure a 26 hour labor and then major abdominal surgery! She's tough as nails I tell ya!! She is in love too and just so calm. She just exudes so much peace and confidence and I am in awe. Plus, she's a nursing champ! Reese is latching great, getting plenty, and they are just so laid back and content. I love it! This is so the opposite of how I was and it's refreshing. She has no expectations of herself in this area and she is just taking it as it comes and she's doing beautifully! I am so proud of her and the loving choices she has made for her baby girl.

So yeah, we are all in love and googly eyed over here. Reese is our favorite topic and we are looking at her picture multiple times throughout the day. Being an aunt is good.

5

My girl will be five in a day. 5. How do I put into words the ways in which this girl, Emaline Joy, has rearranged my life in the most achingly beautiful ways?

There just aren't enough words in my vocabulary to say what's in my heart. She and her sister are the two things I am most proud of in this world. This song by ABBA says what I can't. Tonight as I reflect on the sweetness of her 5th birthday party and the last 5 years I listen to this and I cry.

Schoolbag in hand, she leaves home in the early morning
Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile
I watch her go with a surge of that well known sadness
And I have to sit down for a while
The feeling that I'm losing her forever
And without really entering her world
I'm glad whenever I can share her laughter
That funny little girl

Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Do I really see what's in her mind
Each time I think I'm close to knowing
She keeps on growing
Slipping through my fingers all the time

Sleep in our eyes, her and me at the breakfast table
Barely awake I let precious time go by
Then when she's gone, there's that odd melancholy feeling
And a sense of guilt I can't deny
What happened to the wonderful adventures
The places I had planned for us to go
Well, some of that we did, but most we didn't
And why, I just don't know

Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Do I really see what's in her mind
Each time I think I'm close to knowing
She keeps on growing
Slipping through my fingers all the time

Sometimes I wish that I could freeze the picture
And save it from the funny tricks of time

Slipping through my fingers all the time

Schoolbag in hand, she leaves home in the early morning
Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile

Apples!

Today I am heading with my girls to Lynd's Fruit Farm in Pataskala to pick the first apples of the season!! They are Honeycrisps to boot! I am so excited!! I plan to make some wonderful treats as well as just eat them right off the branches as we pick! These are some of our favorite apples and one of our favorite activities of the year.

8 years

Yesterday David and I celebrated eight years of marriage. Eight years ago I was a naive and starry eyed bride, like many brides before and after me. I had very little idea of what marriage would really be like. Sure, people told me it was hard but I just couldn't grasp what they meant by that. Maybe they struggled, but David and I really loved each other. Not only that, but how could it be so hard when you got to have sex?! We waited (with several close calls) until our wedding night to have "marital relations" and I thought we would be immune to certain troubles because of that. To a point that has been true, but mostly I was just naive. I wrote this on my Facebook wall yesterday and wanted to add it here so I could easily find it.

"So few things about the last 8 years of marriage have been as I expected. They have been infinitely more difficult, but also much more beautiful. We have had stupid fights and really ugly ones. We have held our sick baby and trembled with fear. We have held our healthy babies and marveled at the undeserved goodness. We have disagreed on everything from how to discipline a strong willed child to how to load the dishwasher best. Our faith has unraveled and lost all meaning, but together we found something deeper and real on which we stand. We aren't perfect, beyond reproach or temptation. We are partners, best friends and we are committed. I love my husband with all of me and in the light and grace of Jesus. I know we are better together."

I never thought I would want to leave. Not just get in my car and drive away for an hour to cool off, but literally wanting to throw in the towel.  I never thought I would want to leave unless my husband cheated on me or became addicted to some poisonous substance, but I have. I have been so outraged by the little things turning into big things that I couldn't tell if it would ever work between us. I never thought I was capable of being so dreadful either. That I could say and do some of the cold and viscous things that I have. Marriage has brought out my ugliest character defects and shone a spotlight on them. No, it hasn't been easy. But we have stayed and we will stay because we want to. Not just because there is so much love and history, but because each day we choose each other.

There is so very much to be said about building a life with another person and about birthing and raising a family with them. The level of intimacy I share with my husband is so beautiful it feels like the sun...you can't really look directly at it. It's a mind blowing intensity. Even though it is so beautiful and my heart about exploded with love for my man, the first year after we became parents was one of our hardest. Another hard year was the one after Eden was born. Transitions are never easy and we tend to find that kind of transition tricky. Mostly because we have to navigate what it looks like to carve out time for our relationship amid all the other demands. Challenge! As hard as it can be I have to say that watching my husband parent our girls has brought unspeakable joy to my heart. They are two blessed little ladies and they know it. I did good picking a daddy for my children. 

We went out on a date last night and our time together was a perfect snapshot of who and what we are together. We got in an argument that left me saying "call your mom and tell her not to come. I don't even want to go anywhere with you." Which then turned into me apologizing, then him apologizing. Then we got ready to go and we thought the other was so hot that we were ready to go at it before we walked out the door. At dinner we both cried as we talked about what God is showing us in our lives. In the car "U Can't Touch This" by MC Hammer came on the radio and we busted a gut rapping with each other. We then went to the same place where we became a couple and reminisced about that day nearly ten years ago and laughed and smiled about how precious it was. We hugged. We kissed. We laughed. We cried. We fought. All in one date. Such is our beautiful, real, imperfect life together that I wouldn't trade for anything.

What if...

Lately I have been experiencing some new freedom. It's counter cultural and is really challenging what I have always accepted as the truth. What if what I have always believed about my body was a lie? What if:

It was alright to love to eat?
My hunger was not something to be ashamed of?
I didn't need to be a certain weight?
I ate healthful food until I was full and became comfortable with the number on the scale?
I could be beautiful and attractive and a size with 2 digits?
Having skin removal surgery wasn't a must because I was ok with what remained?
I looked in the mirror and focused solely on what I love about my body?
Eating was only for nourishing myself and not to fill some kind of hole?
Eating wasn't just about fuel, but connection with others?
I could eat all the food I want in front of others?
I never had to count points again?
I stopped eating when I was full?
My knee jerk reaction to emotions wasn't to open my refrigerator?

 
"If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them." The Promises from AA

This is happening to me and it is a miracle. This is different than it has ever been. I am eating, I am exercising and I am not obsessed with either. Certainly there are moments when I feel weak, but I am learning not to fight but to surrender to win, to overcome. I am learning that for today there are certain foods that I should avoid because for some reason they are like poison to my mind. Instead of feeling deprived I feel full and I feel sane. After years and years and years of feast or famine it feels like such a gift to be sustained.

Oils

In Decemeber I went to a party with Kelli and Kelsie for doTerra Oils. I had been very curious about this and decided to give it a try. I learned so much and decided to go ahead and buy some. I have loved them! I use them for so many things, including: eye makeup remover, rollers for varying uses, bug spray, hand sanitizer, all purpose cleaner, on wool dryer balls for laundry,deodorant after sun lotion, and I add some to my water and drink it up!

I am really happy with how they work. I find that in so many areas in my life I am leaning more and more towards more natural and holistic ways.

Vacation, part 2

We're back! It was overall a very good trip. The girls were well behaved and easy for us on the flight, which was nice. They actually really enjoyed it and the timing of the flights was good for us.

When we arrived there was some grumbling from my parents about the beach rental. They said it wasn't very nice. It was all very stressful for a minute! When we got there though it was very nice! Not as nice as the house we rented last year in Destin, but nice. We had our own pool and two houses that shared a courtyard. My family had a master suite with 2 bedrooms and a bathroom and we shared a common area and a kitchen. There was lots of swimming, beach trips, sunsets, boat rides and fishing to be had.

Visiting with my 4 teen nieces proved once again to be a highlight of the trip for me as well as for my girls. They love their cousins! Also, they let me braid their hair like crazy and I get pretty darn good at the fishtail and double french braid! There was a line for me to do their hair each night before dinner but I didn't mind! On the second day of our trip I took the teens to the mall. It was fun for me, but I am just not a shopper! My niece tried to get me to sign the form for her to have her cartlidge pierced! Ah! My brother may have killed me if I had done it.

The highlight of the trip was by far out trip to Disney world! We met Wendy and Andrew at the gates at 10 am and were ready for a day of fun! It was a crowded and hot day and I fully expected to grin and bear it for as long as we could. Wrong I was!! It was a blast! We had fast passes that let us reserve seats on rides so we rarely had to wait longer than 10 minutes. Most of the attractions are indoors and air conditioned too. Not bad. I packed enough snacks to get is through and David brought in a gallon of water. I laughed at him, but it was nice. We borrowed our friends double umbrella stroller and it was perfect. Lightweight, easily collapsible, comfortable for the kids and even had a sunshade. Wendy and Andrew knew the park so well and were excellent tour guides. We had a ton of great laughs, made some memories and even shed a few tears watching Emaline and Eden meet princess Belle. It was so precious. They are at an age when they really believed they were meeting a princess. The looks on their little faces really was magical. Corny as it sounds, it was just so sweet that Wendy and I both teared up. We did the Jungle Cruise, met Ariel and Belle, Under the Sea, Peter Pan's Flight, Donald's Philharmagic, the carousel, Dumbo, the magic carpets, and toured the Swiss Family Robinson tree house. We also had lunch in the Crystal Palace with the characters from Winnie the Pooh. The day was capped off with an electric light parade at 9. My kids were troopers and pleasant until the bitter end! We honestly had a blast and are looking forward to our next trip back.

Some words on being a crier

I am a crier. I cry easily and I cry often. The reasons are different but I venture to say that I shed a tear on most days. When I get really mad, when I feel scared, sad, happy or just overcome with any emotion I just can't seem to stop the tears from freely flowing. If I am totally honest this can be really annoying and probably exhausting for those that live with me or are close to me. I just can't seem to help it.

Yet I am also not sorry about it. I like this about me in a way. I am sensitive, I feel deeply and I have emotions. God gave me a gift in this, I just have to trust Him to reign it in. When left with just me I often allow my emotions to run my life, causing me to make poor decisions. Trusting God with my emotions is tough at times and feels odd, but I am learning to do it.

One thing that ALWAYS gets me though is when I see someone fulfilling their dream. Watching someone complete something that they have worked hard for, well I'm done when I get to witness that. I find it just incredible to watch someone do what God created them to do, and do it well. It is just so fulfilling and makes me realize that sometimes we do get what we want!

Vacation

On Saturday we are flying to Tampa to spend a week in the sun with my parents, my siblings, nieces and nephews. I am excited. I am also a touch anxious! In total there will be 24 of us split up in two houses that share a courtyard. My parents very generously paid for the house and we all just get to show up when we want. Last year we went to Destin, FL which was anew destination for our family. We have always gone to Clearwater Beach, near Tampa. That's where we are going this year. It will be a treat to be back there. That place holds some of our most treasured memories as a family. The boats, restaurants, shops, pier and boardwalk are all familiar and hold story upon story of growing up.

My younger brother and his wife will be there and I am so looking forward to spending this time with them. They are expecting there first baby, a girl named Reese Eileen, in October. This will be my first biological niece. I am beside myself excited! Over the years my brother and I have grown so much in our relationship. We have gone from sibling rivalry to dear friends and confidants in the last 15 years and I am so grateful for that. They have always been into the party scene and I am not, but as they are aging we have more and more in common than we used to. My girls are also really into their aunt and uncle! It's so sweet to watch them bond with them and the special bond they have is just precious to watch. We will be building some special memories that's for sure!

I am also really looking forward to spending time with my nieces Gracie, Georgia, Hannah and Makaya. They are all about the same age being born from November 1998 to September 1999. They love being around my girls and have even offered to babysit so David and I can go out on a date while we are on vacation! Yay! Emaline idolizes them and that's ok by me. They are good girls, they love Jesus, dress modestly and speak kindly. I also can't wait for them to let me practice my braiding skills on their long hair since mine is shorter and Emmy has little patience to let me practice! Ha!

In an effort to be transparent I must say though that I am anxious about the trip too in some ways. Particularly with the food. My family culture is to eat. Eat often. Eat unhealthy food. Talk about weight. Constantly reference when we are going on our next diet. Watching and commenting on what others are eating. it really is quite odd if you ask me. Someone like me has a tough time in this. I have certain foods I abstain from and certain hings I prefer not to talk about. How will I handle it when my mom makes biscuits and gravy for breakfast and I abstain from it because that food causes me to stumble into overeating, etc? Will my stepsister comment about it? Will they roll their eyes? Will they talk about me behind my back? Will it matter to me? AH!!!! I am building myself a little insurance this week by praying more, attending meetings and asking for prayer.

Menu June 9, 2014

Here is what I plan to make this week:

Monday: Spaghetti and tossed salad
Tuesday: Grilled chicken, corn on the cob and fruit salad
Wednesday: Small group! I plan to make carnitas on corn tortillas and salsa. Mmmm. New recipe!
Thursday: Pizza night!
Friday: Hot ham and cheese baked sammies, veggies and hummus and watermelon.

We leave Saturday afternoon for Florida for a week of fun in the sun with my family I am so looking forward to it!!!

More things to remember

Eden this time. My sweet girl. She's had a rough year! Nephrotic syndrome diagnosis in late February was hard on us all, but mostly her I imagine. In spite of all that she manages to continue being her spunky, lovable, sweet self. I am so grateful to the Lord for her quick recovery and her continued health and the way He has sustained us through this time.

-When Eden does soemthign she's not supposed to she cocks her head and says "just kidding". It's just too much!!
-She is potty trained as of this week! WAHOO!! She was infinitely easier to "train" than her sister. Whew.
-Eden has an insane vocabulary. She talks non stop and in sentences and has for awhile. Genius. ;) Not really, but she's ahead of the game in this area.
-She's FIESTY. Aggressive even. Some of it is steroids and some of it is just here. I digress...
-She loves rice with soy sauce more than she loves any other food.
-She has been on a low sodium diet so the soy sauce is off limits. Low sodium diets are hard to follow.
-She loves to sing! Her favorites are : Christmas carols, ABC's, Let It Go, the Barney song, Jesus Loves Me.
-She likes to pray and it is the sweetest thing I have ever seen. Ever.
-Reading is still her thang. She loves it! Her favorite books are the Bitty Baby series from the American Girl collection.
-As much as she loves her Daddy she is still very much a momma's girl. And I love it.
-Right ow she idolizes her sister, She likes what Emmy likes, eats what Emmy eats and does what Emmy does. It is so precious to watch. I love raising sweet sisters!
-She has a sweet love for her grandparents, especially here Papa!! They have a neat bond. Also, her Uncle Dane. Oh my word do those two have something sweet. It's especially neat because as a baby I really thought Eden favored Dane.
-These days she loves to take a bath and cinstantly takes her clothes off to get in the tub!
She actually is always taking off her clothes. Usually to play dress up, but sometimes just to be naked I think!

I love this girl. I love watching her grow, but I have to say it bums me out to no end that she is turning into a little girl and is losing her baby qualities by the minute. Such is life. 

Things to remember

My girls are growing up so fast. It's such a mom thing to say, but it is so very true! They are turning into young ladies right before my eyes. I was staring at Emaline the other day and she caught me. I just can't believe that tiny baby I held will be 5 in just 3 short months. How is that possible?! Here are a few things I want to remember:

-She calls our chiropractor "Dr. Popcorn".
-Zoombeezi Bay is called Zooembee Bay. Cute.
-She loves to pray! Especiaaly for Cody and Tine. Precious girl has a memory like an elephant!
-Everywhere we go people ask me if she's a gymnast/dancer. Her athleticism and physique are astounding.
-She cries when I go downstairs in the morning without her. The idea of being left out of anything is very hard for her!
-When we ride in the Jeep she just giggles down the road.
-Right now she is all about playing mommy and dinosaur.
-She breaks out into song at random times, singing about whatever she's doing. She gets it honest!
-She's incredible sensitive to her momma. When I am feeling blie she knows it and it really bothers her. I have to be careful what I let her see.
-She needs people like she needs air! Can we say extrovert??
-She hates to have her hair combed but loves it when it's styled just right.
-When she really likes what she's wearing/how her hair is styled she checks herself out in the mirror and poses. I die!
-She is constantly falling down and hurting herself. Just Tuesday she got 3 bandaids in about 3 hours.
-She can walk down to the Cummings all alone. She has no idea that I watch her the whole way. The pride she exudes as she walks down is palpable.
-Her baby sister is her best friend and she loves and protects her fiercely. It may not always be this way so I am enjoying it now. These girls melt me!
-I often tell her that she was the one tat first made me a mommy and that she was a dream come true. She is happy to repeat this. ;)

My girl is growing into such a young lady. She is a delight.

Menu June 2, 2014

First of all, how is it June?? This is crazy! At least we are that much closer to Christmas. ;)

Monday: Brats/hot dogs on the grill, mashed potatoes and confetti kale
Tuesday: cube steak (hubby loves this), sweet potato fries and a tossed salad
Wednesday: Small group! I'll be making chicken fajitas cooked in the oven. It's a new recipe and way to make them and I'm looking forward to trying it.
Thursday: fried rice and orange wedges
Friday: Date night! We are not sure where we're going yet though...

Spiritual Direction

During our time with our previous small group I met a woman named Kelli and I love her. I loved her immediately based solely on the sound of her voice. She has a voice that makes me want to curl up on the couch and take a nap. It's calming in the best way. Once I got to know her I began to love her for more than her voice! She has a spiritual maturity and honesty that I admire and she is on the pastoral staff at my church so she knows her stuff. When our old group birthed our new group she approached me about doing spiritual direction with me. It has long been a desire of my heart to have mentor of sorts and this was a great option for me. So we began. It has richly blessed my life meeting with her once a month.

Last night I met with her and it was again a blessing. She leads us in prayer, then we are silent until I feel like I am ready to talk about whatever I want to talk about. She listens, interjects when necessary or I ask her to, then we pray and say goodbye. Usually our meetings last about 90 minutes and they are some of the best most productive minutes of my month. But they are also challenging and hard and I am faced with the truth. She has gone through very similar experiences as I have in my life and therefore has a wisdom and compassion that is helpful.

What it usually comes down to is this: I have a hard time living constantly in the truth and power of God's unfailing love. I still strive to earn it, to be enough and to please God and others with a downright fervor and obsession. I am truly a work in process and He is still working on me. I want to embrace the truth that He loves me. Not because of who I am  but because of who He is. I have seen the heart of God as love at times but other times I think I need to strive, earn and produce in order to be loved. What a lie. It has been this lie that has led me astray time after time though. This journey does not come with a map! Our American culture values directions and steps on how to gain the things we want but the Kingdom of God is not designed that way. I am learning to be OK with that.

Put some clothes on

Sunday night my parents had my girls spend the night. It is a real treat when this happens and the luxury of that is not lost on me whatsoever. We decided to make use of our AMC theater gift card and go see the new Adam Sandler/Drew Barrymore movie Blended and beforehand we decided to grab a quick bite at Chipotle. As we were standing in line a group of teenage girls came in and were directly behind us in line. That's when I noticed her. That's when we all noticed her. A girl about age 17 wearing shorts so short they may as well have been underwear. As a shirt she was wearing a spaghetti strap halter midriff. Not to be gross, but she wore it well. She was built like a brick house and even I, a heterosexual married mother couldn't help but check her out. She had long dark hair and a face full of makeup, but underneath you could tell she had a pretty face. I watched my poor husband squirm and look at the ground. I watched as men old enough to be grandpa's look her up and down. I couldn't blame them, it was hard not to. We ordered our food and sat down to eat and the posse of teens sat across the restaurant, thankfully. That was short lived because they soon got up and sat right next to us.

As we were sitting there eating I couldn't help but be distracted by them. I tried hard to stay focused on our conversation but the wheels in my head were turning and I was measuring myself up against this young girl. I felt frumpy, old, out of touch and just plain old gross next to these young fresh girls. How embarrassing! I want to wear my mama stripes with pride, but I still want to be as attractive and young and I got to thinking about how nice and flattering it would be to turn heads. WHAT???!!! I would never want to turn them for that reason. Why was I jealous of her? Sick I tell you, sick as can be! I overheard one of her friends tell the scantily clad girl that some guy was checking her out. This is when Fez got mad as he heard it too. He said he is so disgusted that they seemed to need this attention. He wondered out loud why her parents would let her wear that and whether she just felt unloved. He wondered if she had a father. He told me that I was beautiful and that I turn his head (so dang sweet!) and that his daughters will never, ever dress like that. AMEN to that. He also said that the girls on the OSU campus where he works dress very similarly to this and that he faces this kind of temptation day after day in the summer months. I never knew this and I became so grateful that his partner at work is a married Christian father of two girls as well and that they keep each other accountable in this area.

After dinner I went to the restroom. While in there I felt so burdened for this young girl. I said a prayer for her and asked God if there was anything He would have me say to her. Nothing came to mind and I walked out of the restaurant just shaking my head. I felt incensed that my husband has to face these kinds of situations and that these images are in his head, like it or not. Since then I have thought of a few things I would want to say.

Girls of the world, lend an ear! You may turn a lot of heads wearing clothes that show a lot of skin and show off your young bodies, but TRUST me this is not the attention you want. You look like a slut and people will treat you like a slut even if you are not. You will attract men that want to grope you and that is it. I promise you that if you will probably get hurt in relationships because the kind of men you will attract may not be considering your heart and mind You can turn heads wearing something pretty and modest. Watching you broke my heart. It really did. I am the mother of two daughters. Perhaps they will grow up to have killer bodies and gorgeous faces. No way will I allow them to leave my house looking like that. No way.

More than me not wanting them to dress like that and not allowing them to do so is only part of the story. I want them to want to dress more modestly. I want them to feel secure enough in their mind, heart and even physique to be able to cover themselves up and still feel beautiful and special. How does one do that? How do I raise a confident woman? All I know to do is pray a lot. Thank God that He is with me and I don't have to do this on my own. I want my girls to know their worth in Christ and to feel like they are enough just because of that. Lord Jesus, be near to these precious girls I am raising and help me to raise them up to honor you in all things.

Menu Week of May 26

A day late, a dollar short and 3 weeks behind. Whatevs. I'm fine with it. Here's my menu for the week!

Monday: Cold cut picnic! Ham and asiago sammies, smoked mozzerella pasta salad, kale salad, fruit salad and crostini crackers.
Tuesday: chicken stir fry over brown rice
Wednesday: Baked stuffed sole, roasted red poratoes, green salad
Thursday: Ham and cheese quiche
Friday: Burgers on the grill, corn on the cob and watermelon

Menu: Week of May 5

Over the weekend I don't think I really cooked at all. It was a nice break from that, but also it was nice to focus on other things. I even got to sleep in on Saturday because the kids were visiting my parents. It was bliss. Today is Monday though and we are back to reality. Here is what will be on our table this week:

Monday: Green enchilada casserole. So yummy!!
Tuesday: Stir fry black pepper chicken and rice
Wednesday: David will be off Wednesday doing work in the yard, but is going to smaoke a rib roast in our smoker! That's also small group night so our friends will bring the sides. Yummy!
Thursday: BBQ chicken, roasted potatoes, and spring peas.
Friday: We will be babysitting the nighbor kids and plan to grill out. Burgers, dogs, corn on the cob, and watermelon.

Kindergarten

My Emaline has a September birthday. We love when her birthday is! It's almost always gorgeous weather outside, it kicks off one of our favorite seasons: Autumn, and planning a party is easy! The downside? We have to decide whether or not she will be attending kindergarten in the fall. The cut off date in our district is that a students must be 5 September 30, just 2 weeks after Emaline's birthday. From the beginning I have been apprehensive about sending her for numerous reasons. My husband on the other hand has been keen on sending her. We have locked horns on this issue and it has been a tense debate for months! Well, we made a decision, and Emaline is not going to kindergarten this fall, but will wait another year. It was kind of agonizing and my usually calm and level headed husband also felt as if this decision was huge and would impact so very much. Here are the reasons we opted to wait:

1.) The girl STILL cannot hear. In October 2012 she got tubes to help with this, but about 6 moths ago they stopped being useful and we noticed a decline in her hearing. It is very frustrating for her, and for us. Even though I know she has a legit reason not to listen to me it still grinds on my nerves and I question how much is her hearing and how much is defiance. We just can't in good conscious send her to school with this much hearing loss. Over the summer we will be doing what we need to do to help restore her hearing. That could mean another tube surgery, more chiropractic care, more cranial sacral therapy, etc. I'd like to avoid putting her under the knife again, but if it comes to that I am game!

2.) She is a people pleaser. She gets it honest, as I am the same way. She desires to make others happy and I see a little performer in her as she aims to make others happy over herself. When we thought about her being so young and trying so hard to please her teachers and perform for them it really got me. I want more for her.

3.) She has so much energy and the idea of her sitting still for the 20-30 minute stretches that she needs to in Kindergarten would be really challenging, if not impossible for her. Another year to grow and mature and it won't be as big of an issue. Just last week I took my girls and one of Emaline's friends to the zoo. Her friend is seven months older than her, but I saw the difference (both in age and personality) during our lunch time. We were sitting outside eating and Emaline could not sit still and eat her pb&j for the life of her. Her friend sat there and ate all of her lunch while Emaline stood up no less than 20 times in as many minutes. Her teachers know this about her and tell us that she's completely developmentally appropriate, but nonetheless it will be disruptive in kindergarten.

4.) I want her home another year. This has emotional weight, but it still matters. If time is our most precious resource, than why not capitalize on that and keep her home. Long therm this makes more sense as well. She will be 18 instead of 17 when she graduates and goes off to college. That is one extra year under our roof with us and I think that's priceless. Not to mention she will be the first one in her class to drive, etc. and that gives me a bit more peace of mind.

It was a tough call, but we feel good about it. Next year she will attend a pm class for 5 year olds at her current preschool, All Saints. We know her teachers for next year and we are confident that this will be a great decision for her. Now on to the next schooling decision: public school vs. private Christian school.

Menu for the week of April 28

Last week everything got shifted around a bit. We decided to grill out for our small group picnic, so we had burgers twice and I made the avocado chicken salad for Emaline's teachers. They had conferences on Friday allllll day and the parents provided lunch for them. Have I mentioned I love her school and teachers?? I do! Anywho, here's the menu for this week:

Monday: Grilled chicken salads and bread
Tuesday: Zucchini lasagna and green beans
Wednesday: Meatloaf, mashed potatoes and broccoli
Thursday:  Baked chicken with apples, green salad and oven fries
Friday: Pizza night!

My challenges have grown. In addition to being on a low sodium diet to accommodate Eden, we were told last week that Emaline needs to eliminate dairy again. Not to mention that I have been sugar free for over a year. It's complicated in my kitchen!

Small Grouo

Starting at the beginning of April David and I started co-hosting/co-leading a small group through our church, Vineyard Columbus. This is such an answer to prayer for me as a wife. There were several years when my dear husband (and I) were walking in a desert place and I wondered what would ever come of it. When the church we helped plant crumbled we were jaded, wounded, angry, cynical and doubtful about the whole Jesus thing. Alas, God was with us even when we ignored Him and He carries us through that time. I won't speak for David, but I know that walking through that time was hard but it was good. It was good because after I unpacked everything I thought I knew I came back to Jesus and entered into a real relationship with Him. Of course I am not perfect by any means, but my love for Jesus is real, palpable and I believe He is alive in me and in others. It's a good place to be.

That being said, I had some anxiety about leading a small group. Even though we worked through a lot of our baggage from our past church experiences, some of that stuff came up again as we prepared. There were a few classes we needed to take and in those classes we talked about our past experiences leading and with church and it was hard! I was surprised by my emotion, especially about Landing Place. I hear those two words and I have an almost guttural reaction. So much of my life is the way it is because of my time at 64 King Avenue. I do not regret it one bit, but there are some very real feeling of failure as I think about our Franklinton church plant and even about how in the days and months before Mark died I made my religion link directly to Mark's earthly physical healing and when that did not happen I was at a loss for what to do with my spiritual life. David and I helped start an LP group in Franklinton, but it wasn't about Jesus. It was about Mark. It was about carrying on by sheer will. It was about living out his vision. It was a distraction from our exhausting grief, even a distraction from facing God after He chose not o heal Mark in the way we wanted. I have worked through many of these things, but the enemy wants to remind me of it and the way it failed. I have learned though that success isn't about anything other than obedience. We feel strongly that God is calling us to do this at this time. That is for sure, it has been very faith building to watch God unfold all of this in His timing. Yet, there is some trepidation for sure.

It has already been messy. It has already been beautiful. God has been ever present with us as we follow and trust Him. I am excited about what He is doing and I choose to keep Him as the center though it all.

Menu, April 21 2014

Here is the menu for the week! Looking forward to trying out a new recipe this week on Wednesday!

Monday:Grilling burgers on this beautiful spring day! To go with it we will have baked beans and fruit salad.
Tuesday: Tacos!
Wednesday: Avocado chicken salad, we are having a pincic at small group.
Thursday: Pork raost, baked sweet potatoes and green beans
Friday: Spaghetti. A classic fave for the girls. Tossed green salad on the side.

Menu

It is no secret if you know me that I really enjoy food. In my life I have read countless cookbooks as if they were a novel. Heck, I even like sopping for the food. In an effort to remember these days of life I want to begin posting my weekly meal plan here. The goal would be to post it every Monday, but my tack record of posting is not so hot! We shall see. Here goes week 1:

Monday: Homemade pizza, veggies and dip.
Tuesday: Chicken quinoa chili (A fave that we don't eat much in the summer, but tomorrow will be 40)
Wednesday: Small group night, and I will be baking a ham
Thursday: Sweet potato black bean burritos
Friday: Chicken vegetable stir fry

One thing I deeply enjoy is feeding my family real, nourishing foods. One the weekends we eat out a few times and keep it simple or eat leftovers.

So about the babe inside...

***I drafted this over 2 years ago and just stumbled on it again. I thought I would post it now as it still rings true!


When I had just had Emaline and was processing my pregnancy and her birth I had an overwhelming belief that she was "born for me". What I think that means is that she was (partly) born to be my gentle teacher, to rub off the calloused parts of me and to force me to look into the darkest corners of my soul for her. It also means that I had her because I felt ready to be a mother and to have a child. These beliefs bring my both comfort and a sense of guilt. That sounds a tad selfish, no? This does NOT mean that I think my daughter was born just so I could learn these things from her. No siree! I believe that her purpose in this world will reach far, far past her mother. I have no idea what that purpose is, but I have no doubt that it is wonderful.

I also have no idea about what the baby growing in my womb is coming to Earth for. All I know is that choosing to conceive him/her sort of chose us. I figured we would like to have more than one child if were so blessed to be able to so the idea of a second pregnancy and birth was always on our radar. It's just that in the same way that I believe Emaline was "born for me" I believe this child is "born for everyone else".

Garden

Spring is upon us! Every year I think it would be a great idea to plant a vegetable garden. My family can eat vegetables at the speed of light and we are at the grocery/farmers market 2-3 times a week! The thing is though, I am not a gardener. I don't enjoy it really. First off, I hate to be hot! Ha! That's ridiculous but very true. I also have no idea what in the world I am doing. My parents are gardeners and keep a HUGE vegetable garden at their farm and an amazing flower garden at their home. They did not really teach me about it though as they got into it after all the kids were out of the house.

I want to try though. I love the idea of going out into my backyard and getting inspiration about what to make for dinner. At our old house in Franklinton we had neighbors who were avid gardeners and gave me free reign over their fruits and veggies. To this day Emaline asks if we can plant a raspberry bush like what we had at our old house. Two single guys lived there and could never keep up with all the bounty they had and so I would harvest it, cook or preserve it and feed them along with my own family. I miss that set up!

If only I can get my dear husband to get on board!

Ramblings

I feel a ramble coming on. For days, weeks maybe, I have felt something within me wanting to get out. Thoughts I am having need to be put down and this is the outlet I'm choosing. I am just going to write, it may not make sense, and that's ok.

I don't want to do "this". I am selfish and tired and I want more out of my days. I feel like I am angry all the time, that I resent my family and that all I really want to do is get out of my house, my minivan, the monotony. This was everything I always said I wanted, but right now, lately, it is suffocating me. I AM SO SELFISH.

My brain doesn't know how to work anymore. I feel like I haven't used my mind for anything. I want to have passions in my life, a vocation that I feel inspired by. I miss my clients and I miss working. Being with adults was wonderful and I miss it. This motherhood thing is so much harder than I ever imagined it would be. I thought it was all fun and that somehow when I would become a mother my desires and dreams would all center around my kids and husband, but that didn't happen.

I want to teach fitness classes. I want to learn more about diet and nutrition. I want to attend classes and get another degree. I want to go away on business and I want to go to a meeting. I want to go on a road trip alone, just me, some music and no agenda. I want to drive and see things and not have to worry about anyone else needing a nap, or a snack. Just me to worry about.

I am wildly selfish and entitled. I feel guilty about that, but it's the truth.

I want to eat what I want. How does anyone eat a delicious meal and stop themselves from eating the whole lot of it and not sit there and fixate on it. Food calls to me. It beckons me. I am angry that I can't just eat as much as I want without paying the consequences for it. The feeling of being thin was wonderful and I want it back.

My poor husband can't do anything right and I expect so much out of him and I know he is frustrated with me. I rely on him too much perhaps, I don't know. I am just worn out and tired and I don't enjoy several aspects of this stage of motherhood and I hope that someday soon I get to feel like me again. I feel a little crazy and sometimes I get so angry/sad/bewildered that I think smoke will indeed start pouring from my ears at any moment.

This season

This season has been a hard one for my little family. Lots of little things adding up to some really stressful situations. Here's what has been going on.

One February 28th Eden was diagnosed with Nephrotic Syndrome, a rare kidney disease. It seems that she will make a full recovery, but there will be some rough days on the horizon. Part of that disease means that she has been on steroids for the past 5 weeks. OY VEY. They make her hungrier, more energetic, stronger (read: more aggressive) and also causes more sleep problems. Plus she has a very compromised immune system so we have been isolated. That all being said I am very grateful that she is doing so well and that the doctors were able to diagnose and treat her so well.

I had a real panic attack while at the hospital. So, yeah.

My husband has been working a lot more hours. He is at work 6 or 7 days a week and we miss him. His absence has come at a bad time in terms of Eden being ill. Doing it all alone and also not being able to do my normal things has made me feel a little, or a lot, nutty! They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but lately that has been anything but the truth. we are arguing a lot and feel disconnected.

We launched a small group with our awesome neighbors! This is actually very exciting and has been a tremendous faith builder for me as I sat back and watch as God orchestrated everything before my eyes. The timing is not what I would have picked, but it's what He is doing so we go with it. Since we are doing this that means we are no longer meeting with several of the people from our former small group and this is where the rub happens. It just plain bums me out!  I loved being with them and I will miss it tremendously.

I am recovering from the backlash of my big weight loss a few years ago. It was a big pendulum swing from what I used to do, but still very compulsive in nature. No longer was I eating myself into an oblivion, but I was forcing myself to over exercise and eating too little. Then the second pregnancy and I basically fried my metabolism. A fried metabolism plus a desire to lose weight makes for a lot of frustration, tears, anger and even depression. In an effort to get back down to my "goal" I made some craptastic decisions. There is hope and recovery, but it is anything but easy or fun!

This coming school year Emaline is eligible to start kindergarten. She will turn 5 on 9/15 and would be one of the youngest children in her class. I am not too keen on sending her, but my husband is. I have yet to get a clear answer out of him as to why he wants to do that, but I think a lot of it is financial which I understand. Sending her to preschool will cost us $215 a month. That is not cheap I know. This decision is weighing heavy on my mommy mind. I know it's not the end of the world if I make the "wrong" decision, but it feels like it. I am so dramatic! Ha!!

So, that's what is up. This si kind of a depressing post, but it's the truth of where I am. All that being said I am so grateful for the good things, and the hard things. God has been closer than skin to me lately and has been revealing himself to me in very real and tangible ways. He is always so good, even when things are rough, especially even.