It's his turn...

David and I signed up to run a 10 mile race on April 10. This means that my husband needs to get himself out and running, stat! Like I've said before, he's been my biggest cheerleader throughout this weight loss journey I've been on. He joined the running group at our YMCA and has to complete a certain number of minutes per week of cardio exercise. This has created quite the scheduling conflict within our home. He started just one week ago and I already feel like I never get to see him. He wants to do this though and so that means it is worth it. This has really opened my eyes to see just how much he has sacrificed to help me reach my goals. Even though I know this , this does not mean that I have been gracious about it all the time. I wish I could say that I am as selfless as my husband but I'm not. I've gotten used to our routine and this change has been an adjustment. Take today for instance. Usually he gets home around four and allows me to cook dinner with out Emaline at my feet. Then we eat together and then I go to the Y after she goes to sleep at 7. Today he came home and changed clothes and was gone to get in his minutes. Instead of being and encouragement to him as he is to me I was wishing he would stay. I need to be better. Period. The end. He's given me so much encouragement and support and he deserves nothing but that for his running goals.

On a lighter note, my daughter is talking so much! It seems like everyday she says a new word or phrase and I get so excited! She is making her needs and wants more and more and that heps out a ton. She is calling David "DA-EEE" and me "MAMA". I love, love, love hearing her say mama! She is my joy...

Baby of Mine...

Here are some lyrics to a lullaby I love. My favorite version is by Allison Krause who sings everything like a heavenly being in my opinion! Ever since I heard this song sung on Dumbo it has had the power to make me weep. Today I heard it and it was no different, I wept through the whole thing. My love for Emaline has no bounds.

Baby mine, don't you cry
Baby mine, dry your eyes
Rest your head close to my heart
Never to part, baby of mine
Little one when you play
Don't you mind what you say
Let those eyes sparkle and shine
Never a tear, baby of mine
If they knew sweet little you
They'd end up loving you too
All those same people who scold you
What they'd give just for
The right to hold you
From your head to your toes
You're not much, goodness knows
But you're so precious to me
Cute as can be, baby of mine

Our family table...

It may sound corny, but I really and truly love feeding my family. Becoming pregnant with Emaline started me in my own personal food revolution. My diet changed when I was expecting her and my eyes have been opened more and more to the issues surrounding food in America. From the time I saw that little blue line on a pregnancy stick I knew I wanted my child to have the best I could give her, no matter the sacrifice it meant for me. I began on a quest to learn about where my food comes from, whats in it and what my body, my husband's body and my child's body needed. There is a lot of valuable information out there, but a lot of differing opinions on what we should and should not eat. All of my life I have been able to read a cookbook like a novel, pouring over delicious sounding recipes and noting things I'd like to try. Feeding David and Emaline a meal that they enjoy and that is packed with healthy nutrients gives me and honest to goodness rush. I feel like I am helping to sustain them and nourish them, and I am! Simple, whole, unprocessed foods that taste delicious are good for the body and soul. I wish I could say that our diets are free from anything processed or not organic, but they are. Our wallets limit us in this area, and so does convenience. Emaline doesn't get processed foods (at least not often under my watch) but David and I enjoy a good soda or snack food from time to time! As for organic, well I try. Truth is most days we can't afford organic meat. This means we go without meat quite often or have it as side dish sized portion, or we eat non organic meat. Sigh. Too bad good quality meat isn't available for most people because of price. My parents are generous though and give us a great deal of the meat they buy locally. They buy an entire cow and pig each year and David and I reap the benefits of that!

I find it fun, almost like a game, to come up with nutritious and tasty meals that everyone in my family will like. What I've decided is this: eating is a joy and a gift from God. It is a form of celebration and togetherness. Breaking bread or sharing a meal is Biblical and a central part of community, and I'm so thankful for that. Food didn't have to taste good, it didn't have to vary in color and texture, and it could have been something God never even created. I like to think he gave that to us as a gift. This gift is to be enjoyed with gusto and thoughtfulness. For so long I have eaten in shame and with no thought to what I was actually consuming, but no more. Changing the way I eat does not mean that I enjoy it less, in fact for me it has meant the opposite! I'm thankful that God was thoughtful enough to bless us with tasty food. He loves us, oh how He loves us.

My Valentine...

Some call him David, most call him Fez, I call him my husband. I often wonder how on Earth I was so blessed and why in the world he chose me. So many women in the world and he chose me. There are days when marriage is tough. Days when we look at each other and all we seem to see is our glaring differences. There are days when we can't communicate, or worse still there are days when our communication is harsh. Even on these days there is always assurance that we make each other better people. He told me on the day he asked me to be his wife that my strengths covered his weaknesses, and his mine. The truth in that statement is profound. He is patient when I am antsy, I am diligent when he is carefree, and he is calm when I am anxious. These stark contrasts create friction at times, but most of the time it is spot on and just what we need. David is my biggest cheerleader, my gentle teacher, my provider and the great love of my life. My words fail me often, but the depth of feeling and tenderness in my heart towards this man flow freely in the form of tears, embraces and looks.

Watching him father our daughter has taken this love and made it multiply. We are novice parents and at times we don't see eye to eye, but OH. My. GOODNESS. he is an amazing dad. I knew he would be, and he has not disappointed in the least. My girl is blessed to be growing up with a dad that will teach her just what she deserves in a mate someday. I get so much joy when I watch them interact. She lights up when he's around and I know that they are buddies already. Parenting has challenged us in so many ways and we've had our fair share of tense times as we've navigated this new chapter. As we go we ease up and have found that this time has strengthened us rather than weakened us. Our marriage is more solid than ever and our love has really been multiplies with the birth of Emaline Joy.

Birth...

I said a few posts ago that I met with a few new doctors and feel as if I found one. During my consultation with Dr. I, I asked a lot of questions about VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean), gestational diabetes, white coat syndrome, and other things pertaining to my health and birth(s). One thing that really stuck out to me was when Dr. I said (and I'm paraphrasing here) "People need to realize that the c-section rate is 33% in our country. This rate has gone up significantly since I've been an OB/GYN. One thing we're all afraid to say is that American have never been unhealthier than they are right now." I can only speak in my situation, but my cesarean was directly correlated with my obesity. I venture to say no one would ever say that to me, but it's the truth. I KNOW there are so many doctors out there doing random unnecesareans all the time. I know they aren't giving mothers the time or resources they need to birth their babies. I know some women are electing to have them. Birth is messy and inconvenient. There is no sure way to predict when it will happen. It's a beautiful mystery when it is allowed to unravel in it's own way. There are certainly times when a cesarean is necessary! I believe mine was. I understand why Emaline needed to be birn when she was. I thank God for the technology and efficiency of cesareans. Yet, in my case I am the one that made it necessary. My body was no longer safe for her because years prior to my even expecting her I consumed 10,000+ calories a day and got myself into a situation I couldn't get out of. I did all I could do once I knew she was coming along, but it was a little late. Damage had been done.

So when Dr. I said what no one else has had the guts to say to me before, I agreed. The way so many American's eat is appalling. The sedentary lives so many lead is frightening. I know, I've been guilty of it! In many cases it is doctors calling for too many interventions. In many scenario's women are just ready to not be pregnant anymore and ask to be induced. In no way am I blaming women for the myriad of injustices put on them by our very screwy health care system. All I'm saying is that I think there is truth in the theory that there is indeed a strong correlation between unhealthy/overweight American's and the cesarean rate in this country. In my case, this is fact.

So tired of fighting...

I have been on this weight loss journey for 13 months now, and let me tell you, I'M TIRED OF FIGHTING. Everyday is a constant struggle within myself. Well, that's dramatic, but many days feel like a huge battle. I think maybe I'm just burning out, losing steam. If I'm perfectly honest I'd say I am almost always hungry. I'm on weight watchers, which works, but I feel like I'm always fighting the urge to eat. Admittedly sometimes I just want to eat, but most of the time I am just honest to God hungry. Going to the gym is also getting lower on my list of fun ways to spend my time. Like I said, I think I may be burning out. Maybe I should take a break. How can I do that now though when I'm so close to my goal? I think I'm going to just take a week off. I need it. The most difficult part is that I feel like this war is never going to end. I have come to realize that even when I get to that blessed number I will have to keep working to stay there. I won't get to stop trying and go back to old ways or else I'll be right back where I started. No, quitting isn't an option. I still want this, I still need this. My loved ones need it. Even more than all that, God has asked me to do it. Yes, I know that's a crazy bold statement, but for me it's true. I have always known my weight was a spiritual issue. I've felt "convicted" about it so many times, but have run away. Now is the time and I know it. I have felt the presence of God in every step of this road and know that now I need to keep at it, even though it's harder than ever.

I sometimes wonder when I'll feel like I'm done, when it's been enough. When I started I wanted 2 things: to weigh a certain amount, and wear a size 12. Well, I got one down, 7 more pounds to go and I still feel like a heifer. The truth is, I don't really see it. I look at myself on most days and see the hanging skin and the love handles and the spare tire and think I look pretty rough. Others see it and give me reassuring compliments, but I still don't see it. I even have a hard time buying the right size clothes, forgetting that this body is different. I don't need an XL anymore, I don't need plus sized tights, etc. I automatically go fo the old standards and forget! Yet, I am still not happy. I'm not sure what to do about it. I think so many women struggle in this area. I know I'm helthier and I surely feel better, but what's a girl to do when the mirror and the mind don't match?

shoulder...

i tore my rotator cuff, and that just plain old sucks. i trained with chris (my amazing trainer) today and he workeed around it and man, my legs are singing to me today for sure. i actually feel loike i've got flu symptoms i'm so sore, and i pay for this torture! down two more pounds today but no weigh in last week so it seems i'm doing about a pound a week and that's fine by me. after a 4 month plateau this fall i'll take anything i can get.

i had my good friend rachel cut emaline's bangs on saturday and she looks even more adorable! such a toddler look to her now, and it makes me sad, but in a very good way.

i think i've found my new ob/gyn in dr. frank isabelle of women's contemporary health care. their practice has 4 doctors and two midwives and i can see any one of them specifically or all of them at once if i want. they said all the right things without knowing my agenda and made me feel at ease. dr. isabelle actually gave me a hug, which i found totally charming in a doctor. they want to review my post operative note but they think i could be a good vbac candidate if that's what i choose. still on the fence about that. i need to blog about what dr. isabelle had to say about the rising c-section rate (33% of all births in the US). for the record, his is onl 9%, which i find amazing.