auld lang syne

new year's eve is the most overrated holiday to me. mostly because the month of january just plain ole bums me out. it's bitter cold, gray and all the festivities of the holiday's are over. the lights are gone, the tree is gone, blech. i just get sad. plus, with a new year comes a lot of unknowns. i realize that each minute is an unknown but a whole blank year leaves me feeling more than slightly unnerved. this year i have no plans. david is heading to atlanta, ga for a conference with our church young adult group. he'll be gone for 4 whole nights! I WILL MISS HIM. i too was asked to go but can't bear 4 nights away from my sweet girl. this means that when the ball drops it will be me and my girl alone, and she will be asleep. i think i'll just get a fire going, pour some wine and spend the evening reading and avoiding the television. fine by me. maybe i can pretend "helluary" didn't come...

Mary

I read Luke 2 to David last night with the light of the Advent wreath glowing. It was a beautiful, quiet time for us. This chapter has been read to me hundreds of times through the course of my life. For some reason verse 19 stuck out to me in a new way. It says: "But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart". Wow. She was ondering and treasuring the idea that her son was also her savior, her redeemer. THE LIGHT OF THE WORLD. What most this young first time mother have been going through?

Last year was Emaline's first Christmas. My first Christmas as a mother. I can remember the hours and days after she was laid in my arms and think about all the promise that she held. My child is pure and blameless. A gift, my JOY. I thought about what she might become, who she might love, and what will bring her happiness. It blows my mind that Jesus, my strong Jesus, was a baby laying in his mother's arms. Mary probably had similar thoughts about his future as I did with Emaline. Yet she knew he was also God with us. Emmanuel. She knew he was her savior, yet she gave him life. Right now I feel electric with the hope and light that is Christmas. For the first time maybe ever in all my life I think I understand a little about the mystery. REJOICE!

half marathon...

well, i did it! that's right, i can run 13.1 miles!!!! who'd a thought? most likely i was probably the person that thought this was least likely. here is how it went:

6:45-meet with elisha, margaret, angie and mike at the downtown ymca for stretching and prayers.
7:30-the race begins...except that there are so many people i don't get to just start running.
7:40-i cross the line to start running!
7:45-i can no longer see elisha! she's FAST!
mile 1-going strong with angie and margaret.
mile2-still going strong
mile 3-ditto, now running in bexley
mile 4- ditto, still in bexley
mile5- ditto
mile 6- i see david and emaline!!!!!!!!!!! new strength is found
mile 7-stop to pee...and then it hits the fan. margaret and angie went on and i said i would catch up. i never was able to.

when i came out of the porta potty i went to start running again and i just couldn't. i stopped for a second and tried to stretch, which was hopeless. i remember this sort of happening during my training and i decided to push through the pain. so i did. up until mile 8 my knee hurt very badly.

mile 8- my knee starts to feel somewhat better. it should also be noted that "lose yourself" by eminem started playing in mile 8. this is ironic because that song is one the 8 mile soundtrack.

mile 9- see heather and jeff!! i tell heather to pray for my knee.
mile 10- i'm in german village now. guess what... NO MORE KNEE PAIN!
mile 11- i can see the finish up ahead and this spurs me on. still NO WALKING!
mile 12- so close i can taste it i pick up the pace. i see my friend mike here!
mile 13- i was getting ready to turn left onto nationwide blvd. for the big finish when i saw my friend molly. she ran this same race 2 years ago. she was jumping up and down saying "MANDY!!! I"M SO PROUD OF YOU!!!!" it was at this point that i started sobbing. happy tears. even as i type this i'm emotional.
finish line- i felt great physically. my time was 2:53, just under my 3 hour goal time.

i couldn't find david for near;y 40 minutes, and that was disappointing. in all the excitement we forgot to make a plan of where to meet. oh well. when i saw him it was still so wonderful. he was a little teary and said "you did it" in his own quiet way that meant so very much.

so it's been two days now and i'm still in disbelief that i can run 13.1 miles. ME. a couch potato. a junk food junkie. what's most amazing is that i am no longer one of these things. i'm active and i'm healthy. most importantly, i'm happy and i'm the me i always wanted to be.

sometimes it feels a little premature to claim this kind of victory. i still need to lose 20 or so pounds and then maintain it. however, i feel like in my mind i'm as healthy as i need to be and that's the biggest hurdle.

also, i will do this again. it was FUN! imagine that, running 13 miles was fun!

Emaline, continued...

-she's started to pull her jaw back and give us an ornery look now. so funny!
-she really, really, REALLY loves her momma. when she's really upset or scared, i'm the only one that'll do. i LOVE it.
-she says up, hot, mama, dada, baba, kitty cat and kisses all the time. her voice is so sweet, with a slight rasp to it.
-people always tell me how engaging she is. i think this is an interesting thing to hear from strangers. she just loves people.
-she loves to go on walks
-when riding in the car she loves it when i crack her window. she crack's up!
-her daddy adores her, and vice versa. just this morning i caught them napping together after reading a book. there is nothing more precious than watching your baby rest in the arms of the man who loves her, protects her and made her. no one will ever love her quite like he does.
-our days at home together are priceless and i think she knows it too.


i'm just in love with this baby. i hope and pray i will cherish this time. it is fleeting...

emaline is ONE...

my baby turned one on 9/15. here are some things i'd like the world to know...

-in the morning she's snuggling now more than she ever has. BLISS.
-she's a flirt. she loves men (and women) and cocks her little head to the side and smiles.
-she's teeny tiny, and i love it. my baby is staying a baby a little longer.
-she's not walking, she's running.
-emaline loves to eat from my spoon and is so over her baby spoon.
-in the morning i give her her milk and we have some sacred things we say and do with each other, things only between she an i.
-she hates to sleep during the day, but needs it oh so much.

more to come...she's stirring.

half marathon...

i'm running 13.1 this sunday. i've kept this a secret for months now, afraid of what others might think. i don't look like a runner, whatever that means, and i'm so afraid of what people will think when they hear that i'm running a half marathon. why do i care? GOOD QUESTION. i'm not sure, really. the other reason i wanted to keep it a secret is because i'm running for me. i can run that far, i've trained for it, and i want to do it. my husband knows (obviously) and is waaaaay proud and supportive. i've got a real gem.

henry ford said "if you think you can or you can't, you're right." in this journey i'm having to tell myself that i can a whole lot. i guess i'm really believing it now.

so, world...i'm a runner. and i'm running a half marathon this sunday. there you go.

franklinton...

tonight emaline and i went on a walk to deliver her 1st birthday party invitations. i was looking around as we walked and thinking about lots of loaded things, such as how long we'll live here, the way the city smells, how i love living so close to people i love, etc. i have this love hate thing with where i live right now. i moved here because i felt that it was the path God was leading me towards. i thought (and even hoped) that this would be the place where i would live for many years with my family. that still may be the case. there are too many wonderful things about franklinton to adequately describe here. however i can't deny that franklinton is not a nice place to live by most standards. sometimes i forget that because i'm in my home or yard or street and it's all pretty well taken care of. my neighbors are middle class mostly educated people, different from much of the neighborhood. they came here much like i did, to live amongst the poor and to make the place a little better by being present. that in itself is amazing to me. this is the highlight of where i live.

tonight on our walk i was pushing my sweet baby when i got solicited for prostitution. what?! it was dusk and it was a busy street. a man passed by me 3 times in his car when he finally stopped and asked me if i was "ready to party and give him a good time". i was furious. "NO!" I said loudly. "does it LOOK like i'm ready to party? i have a BABY. get out of here and leave me alone". my mothering instinct kicked in and all i could think of was get out of here and get emaline safe. we were not in any present danger. the guy just drove off looking sheepish. as soon as he was gone the tears started flowing. i'm still pretty mad about it. mad that people use others in that way. mad that my neighborhood is infested with human trafficking. mad that i live here. but also mad that my inclination is to put a for sale sign in the yard and get out of dodge. is that really going to solve anything? for me, yes. for the people that can't leave, no. so that got me thinking again about my idealism of what my family is doing here and how that will affect my child(ren). by me proving some point or living amongst the poor am i hurting or helping emaline? will she be better off in a rural area than she is here? will her education be better here or somewhere else? will she see the kingdom of God better displayed in the country or the inner city? i want her to have the best i can offer her. i want her to be free from fear. i want her to know God and see Him at work. what do i do with these fears? my heart is heavy.

the un-mentionable number...

i've gone above and below the magic number for a month now and i'm so ready to stay on the under side of it!!!

running...

i'm starting to really need my daily run now. what?! yesterday i ran about 4 miles and during it i really enjoyed it, which is rare. usually i get through it for the feeling i get when i'm done! at this point i'm not sure what (if anything) i'm training for, i'm just doing it for me. emaline has accompanied me in her jogging stroller a few times, and she like it too! plus, now that i'm not watching pip i have a lot more time during the day to run which means more time with david!!

there is something empowering for me in it. i feel strong and powerful when i run. it helps me tell off that voice in my mind that says to me "you're too fat to do this" and "you're not really an athlete" or "you're just going to gain all that weight back, so why bother?" when i run i feel like i can tell that voice (myself, really) to screw off. no, i'm not too fat to do this, I"M DOING IT NOW. no, i am an athlete , I DID A TRIATHLON (3 of em, but who's counting...?), no, i'm not going to gain all that weight back, I'M STRONGER THAN THAT. and, so what if i do? my worth is not about a number on a scale. this is why i run. i run for my daughter who needs a confident and strong mommy. i run for my husband because he loved me when i was fat and miserable and loves me just the same now that i'm not. but mostly, i run so i can tell myself that i can do anything. if i can run, i can do anything.

it seems like lately i've been thinking a lot about moving out of franklinton. i get the urge to have space and quiet. not really sure what to do with these thoughts right now. when i bought this home 5 years ago i honestly thought i'd grow old here. now i feel like this home is just not fitting us anymore. it used to. when it was just the roommates and i or even just david and i. even when e.j. was a tiny baby it worked. but now that she's moving all around it just seems like the layout is not working.

housekeeping...

i used to think i was a pretty clean person. to an extent i still am. i really dislike clutter and i have a hard time relaxing with piles of stuff laying around. however, i don't mind some dust. or, apparently, mold. gross!!!! today i tackled the mold. i also got (literally) on my hands and knees and scrubbed my floor like i've never scrubbed before. it feels good to know that my floors are clean now though.

i always envisioned myself as a stay at home mom and feel blessed to be that today. in that vision i always pictured a clean house though! i pictured me waking up from a restful sleep and then spending my day playing with my child(ren), cleaning, making food, and in general "making a home". my days never look like this, but i'm still loving this life of mine most of the time. i guess what's happened is that the whole taking care of child(ren) is my focus and i feel that the house can wait! i'd rather spend time feeding, playing with, and reading to Emaline than I would dusting, mopping and sweeping. that's a good justification, right?

back in the saddle...

i gave up blogging awhile back, and i miss it. not sure anyone will read this, but here it is anyway.