franklinton...

tonight emaline and i went on a walk to deliver her 1st birthday party invitations. i was looking around as we walked and thinking about lots of loaded things, such as how long we'll live here, the way the city smells, how i love living so close to people i love, etc. i have this love hate thing with where i live right now. i moved here because i felt that it was the path God was leading me towards. i thought (and even hoped) that this would be the place where i would live for many years with my family. that still may be the case. there are too many wonderful things about franklinton to adequately describe here. however i can't deny that franklinton is not a nice place to live by most standards. sometimes i forget that because i'm in my home or yard or street and it's all pretty well taken care of. my neighbors are middle class mostly educated people, different from much of the neighborhood. they came here much like i did, to live amongst the poor and to make the place a little better by being present. that in itself is amazing to me. this is the highlight of where i live.

tonight on our walk i was pushing my sweet baby when i got solicited for prostitution. what?! it was dusk and it was a busy street. a man passed by me 3 times in his car when he finally stopped and asked me if i was "ready to party and give him a good time". i was furious. "NO!" I said loudly. "does it LOOK like i'm ready to party? i have a BABY. get out of here and leave me alone". my mothering instinct kicked in and all i could think of was get out of here and get emaline safe. we were not in any present danger. the guy just drove off looking sheepish. as soon as he was gone the tears started flowing. i'm still pretty mad about it. mad that people use others in that way. mad that my neighborhood is infested with human trafficking. mad that i live here. but also mad that my inclination is to put a for sale sign in the yard and get out of dodge. is that really going to solve anything? for me, yes. for the people that can't leave, no. so that got me thinking again about my idealism of what my family is doing here and how that will affect my child(ren). by me proving some point or living amongst the poor am i hurting or helping emaline? will she be better off in a rural area than she is here? will her education be better here or somewhere else? will she see the kingdom of God better displayed in the country or the inner city? i want her to have the best i can offer her. i want her to be free from fear. i want her to know God and see Him at work. what do i do with these fears? my heart is heavy.