Vacation!

In just a few hours I will board a jet with my beloved and fly on down to the beach on Sanibel Island! I can't wait! Well, sorta...

You see, Emaline is NOT coming. This is part of the reason I'm excited. It's also the reason that I have had a quivering lip for the past 24 hours. I am in turmoil about leaving her. Yes, turmoil is a great word to describe what I feel about leaving my daughter for 5 days.

On one hand...I can't wait. I need this. It's been an eventful two years to say the least. Pregnancy, parenthood, weight loss, and grad school have all been on my plate and so much has changed. So much in fact that there was actually a day when I went to write my name and I drew a blank. Literally. I feel so different (between becoming a mother and not being fat anymore) that it felt strange that I could still be called Amanda T. Fessehazion. Weird. I need to do nothing for a while. I need to sit and just let my mind go. I need to eat hot food. I need to sleep until I'm ready to wake up. I need to spend time with my husband, to connect with him separate from the rigors of parenthood. I need to just be still and not worry about working out, weighing in and counting points. I look forward to sitting in a hot tub with a glass of wine and just being me, Amanda T. Fessehazion. She is different, but I like her now more than ever.

On the other hand...I will ache for my daughter. She has become my world. Not just her, but this family I have made for myself has become my world. I will miss waking up to the sound of her playing. I will miss reading her books. I will miss watching her play. I will miss the snuggles, hugs, kisses and loves that she so generously gives me. I will miss the sounds of her eating and drinking and sleeping. I will miss getting her dressed each morning and putting on her shoes and fixing her hair. I will miss her smells. I fear that when I get home she's not going to like me as much as she likes her Nanny and Pawpaw. I fear that she's going to come back addicted to sugar and totally off her sleep schedule. I fear that I am going to regret having left and wishing I hadn't let these 5 days go by without her in them.

Alas, I will go. These words from the great Henri J.M. Nouwen spoke to me this week as I have been praying about leaving my sweet E.

" When you love someone or miss someone, you experience and inner pain. Bit by bit you have to discover the nature of this pain. When your deepest self is connected with the deepest self of another, that person's absence may be painful, but it will lead you to a profound communion with the person, because loving each other is loving in God. When the place where God dwells in you is intimately connected with the place where God dwells in the other, the absence of the other person is not destructive. On the contrary, it will challenge you to enter more deeply into communion with God, the source of all unity and communion among people."

Therefore I know when I get home, she will still love her momma! She will also find that her mommy is more patient, relaxed and energized than before, making her a better momma. God gave me this sweet gift in my daughter. I want to be the very best I can be for her and I think this little retreat will help me be that for her.

I know all of this has probably sounded dramatic. When I knew I was expecting Emaline I never dreamed I was capable of this much love. This week will be tough, but wonderful. Here I go...

P is for Peanut butter, Pregnancy and Porches...

I am fairly certain if I could only eat one thing for the rest of my life, peanut butter might be it. I love the stuff. Alas, I can't even have it in my house. Why? Allergies? Nope, I will eat it. By the spoonful. All. Day. Long.

I have said before that I am becoming a somewhat birth and pregnancy obsessed weirdo. It seems like I can't get my hands on enough information about the topic. When I was actually pregnant with Emaline Joy I wasn't even this interested. Maybe I have too much time on my hands. Or maybe, just maybe, this stuff is a big deal to a 20-something woman. Hmmm...

When I was a child I always dreamed of having a front porch. I wanted a big one that wrapped around the whole house. I wanted a swing and rocking chairs and a jug of sun tea and a big dog laying there in the sun. Basically I wanted a country time lemonade commercial. Well, now we have one. I do love it but I don't sit out there as much as I anticipated I would. My very favorite time to be out there is during a rain storm, which we have had a lot of this spring in central Ohio. It is thrilling to me to be out when most everyone else is running for cover. A goal I have for this summer is to spend more time out on my front porch. Not such a demanding goal!

O is for Octagon, Oranges, and Olive Garden...

The word octagon is fun to say. Try it.

How is it that I absolutely love a fresh orange, but orange juice gives me terrible heartburn to the point that I can't even drink it? Weird. I sometimes forget (or just ignore) the fact that a glass of OJ makes me feel like I just ate a 4 alarm hot pepper and then I pay the price. Awful.

Here in Columbus there are a TON of wonderful, unique, and tasty restaurants. There isn't a whole lot to do here in central Ohio, especially in the winter months, and we buckeyes like to eat! David and I prefer to go to a local non-chain place to get our grub on, but once in awhile I crave the Olive Garden! There are some fantastic Italian restaurants in Columbus like Spagio, Trattoria Roma, and Giuseppe's. I love these places. Yet sometimes I want some salad, unlimited bread sticks and a bowl of capellini pomodoro! Since we're talking O's and chain restaurants, I also love the Outback steakhouse. There is something to be said for being able to go a restaurant at home or on the road and be able to order what you know and love.

N AND O...

N is for Northstar Cafe, Needles, and (The) Netherlands...

I am in love with Northstar Cafe. The first time I went I thought it was pretentious and overpriced. Those things might be slightly true. I've heard people "name drop" Northstar before! Funny. However, the food speaks for itself. If you have not been there, GO. My favorite menu items are: the cloud 9 pancakes, chopped salad with rosemary foccacia, and the delectable Northstar burger ( a veggie burger), ham and cheese scones, and the dark chocolate truffle cookie. Oh. My. Word.

I'm not really afraid of needles. I'm actually more afraid of the blood pressure cuff.

My husband is half Dutch and half Eritrean. That makes for a beautiful combo in my humble opinion. In December of 2006 (just 3 months after our wedding) we traveled to the Netherlands for a small family reception hosted by my new aunt and uncle in-laws. It was a fabulous party! The whole trip was a whirlwind, but so fantastic. David and I plan to go back soon, and often. Well, we'd like to anyway. His family is a highlight of the trip. Their hospitality toward us was so warm and yet not intrusive. My favorite things about the country are:the windmills (molen), the architecture, the cheese, pancakes, and pofridges, the beaches, and the Anne Frank house.

M is for Mandy, Me, and Myself...

Silly. I just don't have a lot to say but didn't want to miss my daily blog. I'm sleepy. More tomorrow. Onto N...