Sunday, August 22, 2010

franklinton...

tonight emaline and i went on a walk to deliver her 1st birthday party invitations. i was looking around as we walked and thinking about lots of loaded things, such as how long we'll live here, the way the city smells, how i love living so close to people i love, etc. i have this love hate thing with where i live right now. i moved here because i felt that it was the path God was leading me towards. i thought (and even hoped) that this would be the place where i would live for many years with my family. that still may be the case. there are too many wonderful things about franklinton to adequately describe here. however i can't deny that franklinton is not a nice place to live by most standards. sometimes i forget that because i'm in my home or yard or street and it's all pretty well taken care of. my neighbors are middle class mostly educated people, different from much of the neighborhood. they came here much like i did, to live amongst the poor and to make the place a little better by being present. that in itself is amazing to me. this is the highlight of where i live.

tonight on our walk i was pushing my sweet baby when i got solicited for prostitution. what?! it was dusk and it was a busy street. a man passed by me 3 times in his car when he finally stopped and asked me if i was "ready to party and give him a good time". i was furious. "NO!" I said loudly. "does it LOOK like i'm ready to party? i have a BABY. get out of here and leave me alone". my mothering instinct kicked in and all i could think of was get out of here and get emaline safe. we were not in any present danger. the guy just drove off looking sheepish. as soon as he was gone the tears started flowing. i'm still pretty mad about it. mad that people use others in that way. mad that my neighborhood is infested with human trafficking. mad that i live here. but also mad that my inclination is to put a for sale sign in the yard and get out of dodge. is that really going to solve anything? for me, yes. for the people that can't leave, no. so that got me thinking again about my idealism of what my family is doing here and how that will affect my child(ren). by me proving some point or living amongst the poor am i hurting or helping emaline? will she be better off in a rural area than she is here? will her education be better here or somewhere else? will she see the kingdom of God better displayed in the country or the inner city? i want her to have the best i can offer her. i want her to be free from fear. i want her to know God and see Him at work. what do i do with these fears? my heart is heavy.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

the un-mentionable number...

i've gone above and below the magic number for a month now and i'm so ready to stay on the under side of it!!!

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

running...

i'm starting to really need my daily run now. what?! yesterday i ran about 4 miles and during it i really enjoyed it, which is rare. usually i get through it for the feeling i get when i'm done! at this point i'm not sure what (if anything) i'm training for, i'm just doing it for me. emaline has accompanied me in her jogging stroller a few times, and she like it too! plus, now that i'm not watching pip i have a lot more time during the day to run which means more time with david!!

there is something empowering for me in it. i feel strong and powerful when i run. it helps me tell off that voice in my mind that says to me "you're too fat to do this" and "you're not really an athlete" or "you're just going to gain all that weight back, so why bother?" when i run i feel like i can tell that voice (myself, really) to screw off. no, i'm not too fat to do this, I"M DOING IT NOW. no, i am an athlete , I DID A TRIATHLON (3 of em, but who's counting...?), no, i'm not going to gain all that weight back, I'M STRONGER THAN THAT. and, so what if i do? my worth is not about a number on a scale. this is why i run. i run for my daughter who needs a confident and strong mommy. i run for my husband because he loved me when i was fat and miserable and loves me just the same now that i'm not. but mostly, i run so i can tell myself that i can do anything. if i can run, i can do anything.

Friday, August 13, 2010

it seems like lately i've been thinking a lot about moving out of franklinton. i get the urge to have space and quiet. not really sure what to do with these thoughts right now. when i bought this home 5 years ago i honestly thought i'd grow old here. now i feel like this home is just not fitting us anymore. it used to. when it was just the roommates and i or even just david and i. even when e.j. was a tiny baby it worked. but now that she's moving all around it just seems like the layout is not working.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

housekeeping...

i used to think i was a pretty clean person. to an extent i still am. i really dislike clutter and i have a hard time relaxing with piles of stuff laying around. however, i don't mind some dust. or, apparently, mold. gross!!!! today i tackled the mold. i also got (literally) on my hands and knees and scrubbed my floor like i've never scrubbed before. it feels good to know that my floors are clean now though.

i always envisioned myself as a stay at home mom and feel blessed to be that today. in that vision i always pictured a clean house though! i pictured me waking up from a restful sleep and then spending my day playing with my child(ren), cleaning, making food, and in general "making a home". my days never look like this, but i'm still loving this life of mine most of the time. i guess what's happened is that the whole taking care of child(ren) is my focus and i feel that the house can wait! i'd rather spend time feeding, playing with, and reading to Emaline than I would dusting, mopping and sweeping. that's a good justification, right?

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

back in the saddle...

i gave up blogging awhile back, and i miss it. not sure anyone will read this, but here it is anyway.