My girl will be five in a day. 5. How do I put into words the ways in which this girl, Emaline Joy, has rearranged my life in the most achingly beautiful ways?
There just aren't enough words in my vocabulary to say what's in my heart. She and her sister are the two things I am most proud of in this world. This song by ABBA says what I can't. Tonight as I reflect on the sweetness of her 5th birthday party and the last 5 years I listen to this and I cry.
Schoolbag in hand, she leaves home in the early morning
Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile
I watch her go with a surge of that well known sadness
And I have to sit down for a while
The feeling that I'm losing her forever
And without really entering her world
I'm glad whenever I can share her laughter
That funny little girl
Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Do I really see what's in her mind
Each time I think I'm close to knowing
She keeps on growing
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Sleep in our eyes, her and me at the breakfast table
Barely awake I let precious time go by
Then when she's gone, there's that odd melancholy feeling
And a sense of guilt I can't deny
What happened to the wonderful adventures
The places I had planned for us to go
Well, some of that we did, but most we didn't
And why, I just don't know
Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Do I really see what's in her mind
Each time I think I'm close to knowing
She keeps on growing
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Sometimes I wish that I could freeze the picture
And save it from the funny tricks of time
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Schoolbag in hand, she leaves home in the early morning
Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile
Saturday, September 13, 2014
Friday, September 12, 2014
Apples!
Today I am heading with my girls to Lynd's Fruit Farm in Pataskala to pick the first apples of the season!! They are Honeycrisps to boot! I am so excited!! I plan to make some wonderful treats as well as just eat them right off the branches as we pick! These are some of our favorite apples and one of our favorite activities of the year.
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
8 years
Yesterday David and I celebrated eight years of marriage. Eight years ago I was a naive and starry eyed bride, like many brides before and after me. I had very little idea of what marriage would really be like. Sure, people told me it was hard but I just couldn't grasp what they meant by that. Maybe they struggled, but David and I really loved each other. Not only that, but how could it be so hard when you got to have sex?! We waited (with several close calls) until our wedding night to have "marital relations" and I thought we would be immune to certain troubles because of that. To a point that has been true, but mostly I was just naive. I wrote this on my Facebook wall yesterday and wanted to add it here so I could easily find it.
"So few things about the last 8 years of marriage have been as I expected. They have been infinitely more difficult, but also much more beautiful. We have had stupid fights and really ugly ones. We have held our sick baby and trembled with fear. We have held our healthy babies and marveled at the undeserved goodness. We have disagreed on everything from how to discipline a strong willed child to how to load the dishwasher best. Our faith has unraveled and lost all meaning, but together we found something deeper and real on which we stand. We aren't perfect, beyond reproach or temptation. We are partners, best friends and we are committed. I love my husband with all of me and in the light and grace of Jesus. I know we are better together."
I never thought I would want to leave. Not just get in my car and drive away for an hour to cool off, but literally wanting to throw in the towel. I never thought I would want to leave unless my husband cheated on me or became addicted to some poisonous substance, but I have. I have been so outraged by the little things turning into big things that I couldn't tell if it would ever work between us. I never thought I was capable of being so dreadful either. That I could say and do some of the cold and viscous things that I have. Marriage has brought out my ugliest character defects and shone a spotlight on them. No, it hasn't been easy. But we have stayed and we will stay because we want to. Not just because there is so much love and history, but because each day we choose each other.
There is so very much to be said about building a life with another person and about birthing and raising a family with them. The level of intimacy I share with my husband is so beautiful it feels like the sun...you can't really look directly at it. It's a mind blowing intensity. Even though it is so beautiful and my heart about exploded with love for my man, the first year after we became parents was one of our hardest. Another hard year was the one after Eden was born. Transitions are never easy and we tend to find that kind of transition tricky. Mostly because we have to navigate what it looks like to carve out time for our relationship amid all the other demands. Challenge! As hard as it can be I have to say that watching my husband parent our girls has brought unspeakable joy to my heart. They are two blessed little ladies and they know it. I did good picking a daddy for my children.
We went out on a date last night and our time together was a perfect snapshot of who and what we are together. We got in an argument that left me saying "call your mom and tell her not to come. I don't even want to go anywhere with you." Which then turned into me apologizing, then him apologizing. Then we got ready to go and we thought the other was so hot that we were ready to go at it before we walked out the door. At dinner we both cried as we talked about what God is showing us in our lives. In the car "U Can't Touch This" by MC Hammer came on the radio and we busted a gut rapping with each other. We then went to the same place where we became a couple and reminisced about that day nearly ten years ago and laughed and smiled about how precious it was. We hugged. We kissed. We laughed. We cried. We fought. All in one date. Such is our beautiful, real, imperfect life together that I wouldn't trade for anything.
"So few things about the last 8 years of marriage have been as I expected. They have been infinitely more difficult, but also much more beautiful. We have had stupid fights and really ugly ones. We have held our sick baby and trembled with fear. We have held our healthy babies and marveled at the undeserved goodness. We have disagreed on everything from how to discipline a strong willed child to how to load the dishwasher best. Our faith has unraveled and lost all meaning, but together we found something deeper and real on which we stand. We aren't perfect, beyond reproach or temptation. We are partners, best friends and we are committed. I love my husband with all of me and in the light and grace of Jesus. I know we are better together."
I never thought I would want to leave. Not just get in my car and drive away for an hour to cool off, but literally wanting to throw in the towel. I never thought I would want to leave unless my husband cheated on me or became addicted to some poisonous substance, but I have. I have been so outraged by the little things turning into big things that I couldn't tell if it would ever work between us. I never thought I was capable of being so dreadful either. That I could say and do some of the cold and viscous things that I have. Marriage has brought out my ugliest character defects and shone a spotlight on them. No, it hasn't been easy. But we have stayed and we will stay because we want to. Not just because there is so much love and history, but because each day we choose each other.
There is so very much to be said about building a life with another person and about birthing and raising a family with them. The level of intimacy I share with my husband is so beautiful it feels like the sun...you can't really look directly at it. It's a mind blowing intensity. Even though it is so beautiful and my heart about exploded with love for my man, the first year after we became parents was one of our hardest. Another hard year was the one after Eden was born. Transitions are never easy and we tend to find that kind of transition tricky. Mostly because we have to navigate what it looks like to carve out time for our relationship amid all the other demands. Challenge! As hard as it can be I have to say that watching my husband parent our girls has brought unspeakable joy to my heart. They are two blessed little ladies and they know it. I did good picking a daddy for my children.
We went out on a date last night and our time together was a perfect snapshot of who and what we are together. We got in an argument that left me saying "call your mom and tell her not to come. I don't even want to go anywhere with you." Which then turned into me apologizing, then him apologizing. Then we got ready to go and we thought the other was so hot that we were ready to go at it before we walked out the door. At dinner we both cried as we talked about what God is showing us in our lives. In the car "U Can't Touch This" by MC Hammer came on the radio and we busted a gut rapping with each other. We then went to the same place where we became a couple and reminisced about that day nearly ten years ago and laughed and smiled about how precious it was. We hugged. We kissed. We laughed. We cried. We fought. All in one date. Such is our beautiful, real, imperfect life together that I wouldn't trade for anything.
Saturday, September 6, 2014
What if...
Lately I have been experiencing some new freedom. It's counter cultural and is really challenging what I have always accepted as the truth. What if what I have always believed about my body was a lie? What if:
It was alright to love to eat?
My hunger was not something to be ashamed of?
I didn't need to be a certain weight?
I ate healthful food until I was full and became comfortable with the number on the scale?
I could be beautiful and attractive and a size with 2 digits?
Having skin removal surgery wasn't a must because I was ok with what remained?
I looked in the mirror and focused solely on what I love about my body?
Eating was only for nourishing myself and not to fill some kind of hole?
Eating wasn't just about fuel, but connection with others?
I could eat all the food I want in front of others?
I never had to count points again?
I stopped eating when I was full?
My knee jerk reaction to emotions wasn't to open my refrigerator?
"If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them." The Promises from AA
This is happening to me and it is a miracle. This is different than it has ever been. I am eating, I am exercising and I am not obsessed with either. Certainly there are moments when I feel weak, but I am learning not to fight but to surrender to win, to overcome. I am learning that for today there are certain foods that I should avoid because for some reason they are like poison to my mind. Instead of feeling deprived I feel full and I feel sane. After years and years and years of feast or famine it feels like such a gift to be sustained.
It was alright to love to eat?
My hunger was not something to be ashamed of?
I didn't need to be a certain weight?
I ate healthful food until I was full and became comfortable with the number on the scale?
I could be beautiful and attractive and a size with 2 digits?
Having skin removal surgery wasn't a must because I was ok with what remained?
I looked in the mirror and focused solely on what I love about my body?
Eating was only for nourishing myself and not to fill some kind of hole?
Eating wasn't just about fuel, but connection with others?
I could eat all the food I want in front of others?
I never had to count points again?
I stopped eating when I was full?
My knee jerk reaction to emotions wasn't to open my refrigerator?
"If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them." The Promises from AA
This is happening to me and it is a miracle. This is different than it has ever been. I am eating, I am exercising and I am not obsessed with either. Certainly there are moments when I feel weak, but I am learning not to fight but to surrender to win, to overcome. I am learning that for today there are certain foods that I should avoid because for some reason they are like poison to my mind. Instead of feeling deprived I feel full and I feel sane. After years and years and years of feast or famine it feels like such a gift to be sustained.
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