I am a nerd. I like school. This has not always been the case, but it has usually been the case. Now that I am an adult I really enjoy it. The time spent reading academic materials that interest me and then the discussions that follow in class leave me feeling refreshed and...smarter. I love my job. I love staying home with Emaline and when I pass a daycare center I remind myself to count myself blessed to stay home with her. that's why my current school schedule is pretty grand. One night a week I am guaranteed a hot meal to myself with interesting adults to talk to. At times the workload is a bit much. It was especially so when I was in that haze of my first trimester when I was puking like crazy! I took a 6 week break and while it was great to do nothing while Emaline slept, I really missed it. I even missed the reading! Crazy!
So now why do I wonder if I'm doing the right thing? I just started my special education classes a month ago and now I'm beginning to wonder if I'm really going to enjoy being and Intervention Specialist. I talked it over with my advisor and she was no help. She just went on about how great I'll be at it. It was nice to hear, but it didn't really help me figure anything out. Sure, I have a special spot in my heart for people with disabilities and I do think I have a natural ability to work with people. Yet I feel like my passions have changed. Where I once felt passionate about helping people with disabilities gain independence and dignity I now find myself wanting to help obese people. Perhaps it's because for the past two years my exposure to the population I worked with at Arc has been very limited, while I have simultaneously been on a journey to conquer my own obesity. Both experiences were so life giving and so challenging and so worth my time that now I wonder what I should do as a career when I no longer stay home with my babies .
Eventually I want to return to work. Not for some years, like when my youngest is in school all day, but I am sure I want to go back. Motherhood is a joyous responsibility and I am honored to do it. If I don't do this whole mothering thing well then what's the point. Yet I feel an itch to do something in addition to that. Not because I don't think it's enough, because it is. I want to do it because there is a stirring deep in my heart to help people. What will I be doing when I go back? I better figure it out. MVNU ain't cheap.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Pregnancy thus far...
I am almost halfway! It's going fast, that's for sure. Here is a list of what's going on:
How I'm feeling: Right now? Awesome! I'm in that sweet spot. I love being pregnant, but this is a favorite time for me. I'm not sick anymore and I'm not huge yet. Perfect! Mentally/emotionally I am still struggling to grasp that this is a new experience and that my last birth and breastfeeding experience does not determine my future. I need to let it go.
Weight gain: 8 lbs. I'm fine with that, but can't lie. It's hard to watch the scale creep up.
Cravings: It varies, but so far I have craved pineapple, cheeto's puffs, orange sherbet, root beer, the sharpest cheddar cheese I can find, and fruit smoothies.
Prenatal appointments: They are going very well! Baby has a strong heartbeat of 160. My blood pressure is normal as is my blood sugar! Praise GOD! By this time with Em I was a mess. All that hard work paid off!!!! I chose to see a midwife this time around. She is an RN and has been for 30 years and has delivered 2,000 babies! WOW! She is great, well respected and she is thorough! My appointments last an hour and cover so much!
Gender: We are finding out on 10/16! I am walking the half marathon and when I get to the finish line some friends will be there holding a sign revealing the gender! I can't wait for the surprise!
Stay tuned!
How I'm feeling: Right now? Awesome! I'm in that sweet spot. I love being pregnant, but this is a favorite time for me. I'm not sick anymore and I'm not huge yet. Perfect! Mentally/emotionally I am still struggling to grasp that this is a new experience and that my last birth and breastfeeding experience does not determine my future. I need to let it go.
Weight gain: 8 lbs. I'm fine with that, but can't lie. It's hard to watch the scale creep up.
Cravings: It varies, but so far I have craved pineapple, cheeto's puffs, orange sherbet, root beer, the sharpest cheddar cheese I can find, and fruit smoothies.
Prenatal appointments: They are going very well! Baby has a strong heartbeat of 160. My blood pressure is normal as is my blood sugar! Praise GOD! By this time with Em I was a mess. All that hard work paid off!!!! I chose to see a midwife this time around. She is an RN and has been for 30 years and has delivered 2,000 babies! WOW! She is great, well respected and she is thorough! My appointments last an hour and cover so much!
Gender: We are finding out on 10/16! I am walking the half marathon and when I get to the finish line some friends will be there holding a sign revealing the gender! I can't wait for the surprise!
Stay tuned!
Friday, September 23, 2011
2 years old!
Emaline Joy turned 2 on 9/15/11. WHAT?! How can she be two? There don't really seem to be a lot of words I can use to describe what these past two years have been like. All the love, the trials, sacrifices, joys, questioning, and abundant JOY she brings me is truly beyond description. She is growing up so fast, she is a little girl it seems. These days she is talking up a storm and it seems like every hour she is saying new things and communicating more and more.
She made me a mother, and man do I love being her mother. It has made me better in so many ways. It has also challenged me and brought me to my knees on many occasions. What an awesome responsibility I have been entrusted with. Some days I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. I know I must be doing something right though. She is bright. She is sweet. She is loving and affectionate. Even if she was none of those things, she would still be mine. My sweet girl.
She made me a mother, and man do I love being her mother. It has made me better in so many ways. It has also challenged me and brought me to my knees on many occasions. What an awesome responsibility I have been entrusted with. Some days I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. I know I must be doing something right though. She is bright. She is sweet. She is loving and affectionate. Even if she was none of those things, she would still be mine. My sweet girl.
All things AUTUMN
Today is the first day of my most beloved season, Autumn. Or fall, whatever. I love the word autumn so I will use it. Here is a list of why I love this time of year ohsomuch:
-Cooler temps, which means (in my opinion) cuter clothes like boots, jackets, sweaters, corduroy pants and HOODIES! Oh, I love hoodies.
-Apple orchards and pumpkin patches.
-Hayrides
-Bonfires
-The food! Soups, stews, fruit crisps and pies, cider, s'mores, and any food that makes me feel cozy.
-The beautiful leaves
-Beggars night in Franklinton
-Watching reruns of The Gilmore Girls. This can be done anytime, but I like it best in autumn.
-Watching "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" on TV with my family.
-Lighting the fire for the first time.
-Taking a Sunday drive with my love to watch the leaves.
-Lighting my Yankee candle 'Autumn Leaves' candles
-Anticipating what's to come. (i.e Thanksgiving and CHRISTMAS!)
There are probably countless other things I'm forgetting, but these are a few highlights. When the days grown shorter and the temperatures drop I always think of my brother, Mark Palmer though. He too loved all things fall. It makes me feel melancholy that he has never been to Blinntoberfest and that I'll never get to sit in the gardens at 64 King with him for autumn vespers. I had a good cry over his absence today. I know he is better off. I am hopeful of of the resurrection of the dead. Yet as I look around at my life and at the lives of those once a part of LP I can't help but wonder what life would be like had he lived and been healed in this life. I just miss him and his powerful presence in my life and the lives of so many of the ones I love. Today I am grateful for the years I knew him and the way those years shaped my journey.
-Cooler temps, which means (in my opinion) cuter clothes like boots, jackets, sweaters, corduroy pants and HOODIES! Oh, I love hoodies.
-Apple orchards and pumpkin patches.
-Hayrides
-Bonfires
-The food! Soups, stews, fruit crisps and pies, cider, s'mores, and any food that makes me feel cozy.
-The beautiful leaves
-Beggars night in Franklinton
-Watching reruns of The Gilmore Girls. This can be done anytime, but I like it best in autumn.
-Watching "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" on TV with my family.
-Lighting the fire for the first time.
-Taking a Sunday drive with my love to watch the leaves.
-Lighting my Yankee candle 'Autumn Leaves' candles
-Anticipating what's to come. (i.e Thanksgiving and CHRISTMAS!)
There are probably countless other things I'm forgetting, but these are a few highlights. When the days grown shorter and the temperatures drop I always think of my brother, Mark Palmer though. He too loved all things fall. It makes me feel melancholy that he has never been to Blinntoberfest and that I'll never get to sit in the gardens at 64 King with him for autumn vespers. I had a good cry over his absence today. I know he is better off. I am hopeful of of the resurrection of the dead. Yet as I look around at my life and at the lives of those once a part of LP I can't help but wonder what life would be like had he lived and been healed in this life. I just miss him and his powerful presence in my life and the lives of so many of the ones I love. Today I am grateful for the years I knew him and the way those years shaped my journey.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Where were you when the world stopped turning?
Alan Jackson song "Where Were You" about the terrorist attacks on September 11, 2001 always makes me (and surely countless others) stop in my tracks and remember it all. Here's my story.
I was 20 and a sophomore at MVNC. I was in the shower when I heard my phone ringing off the hook. I had no early calsses that day and had slept in. I got out when I was good and ready not at all concerned by the fact that my phone had been ringing. When I answered it was my friend Critter and he said "Go turn on your TV." That was all he said. I was not worried but turned on the radio instead because our tiny old TV didn't get great reception even on basic channels. When I turned on the radio I just got confused. Airplanes, world trade center, attacks, hijacks, WHAT? I knew I needed to visually see the television and know what was going on.
I don't remember who was in our Maplewood 102 apartment that morning but I do remember going downstairs and watching TV and just feeling still so confused. I was watching when the second plane hit the towers and that's when I understood what was happening. I watched until I couldn't watch anymore because I had to go to class. I went to a canceled class were students and the professor had tears in their eyes and the prof told us that there was going to be a special prayer service held in the chapel very soon so I went straight there. I hugged people, cried, prayed for the victims and for the ones dealing with the tragedy. I prayed for my friends Mark, Critter, and Hensley because I knew they would most likely be called up to active duty in the Air National Guard. They were withing the week. My friend Liz had a brother and sister in law living in NYC and we heard that they were safe. My friend Wendy's family lived just outside of Washington DC and it seemed to take forever to hear that her dad was safe. I didn't personally know anyone else who was missing or could have been there, but that didn't stop me from being terrified for the ones I didn't know.
My friend Summer and I were scheduled to leave on a two week African safari through Ford Motor Company on 9/21/01 and we quickly learned that the trip was simply canceled, not to be rescheduled. We learned that international flights were canceled and that people all over the world were to stay put, watch and pray.
I knew our world had changed that day and I feared that it would never be the same. It has not been the same.
I was 20 and a sophomore at MVNC. I was in the shower when I heard my phone ringing off the hook. I had no early calsses that day and had slept in. I got out when I was good and ready not at all concerned by the fact that my phone had been ringing. When I answered it was my friend Critter and he said "Go turn on your TV." That was all he said. I was not worried but turned on the radio instead because our tiny old TV didn't get great reception even on basic channels. When I turned on the radio I just got confused. Airplanes, world trade center, attacks, hijacks, WHAT? I knew I needed to visually see the television and know what was going on.
I don't remember who was in our Maplewood 102 apartment that morning but I do remember going downstairs and watching TV and just feeling still so confused. I was watching when the second plane hit the towers and that's when I understood what was happening. I watched until I couldn't watch anymore because I had to go to class. I went to a canceled class were students and the professor had tears in their eyes and the prof told us that there was going to be a special prayer service held in the chapel very soon so I went straight there. I hugged people, cried, prayed for the victims and for the ones dealing with the tragedy. I prayed for my friends Mark, Critter, and Hensley because I knew they would most likely be called up to active duty in the Air National Guard. They were withing the week. My friend Liz had a brother and sister in law living in NYC and we heard that they were safe. My friend Wendy's family lived just outside of Washington DC and it seemed to take forever to hear that her dad was safe. I didn't personally know anyone else who was missing or could have been there, but that didn't stop me from being terrified for the ones I didn't know.
My friend Summer and I were scheduled to leave on a two week African safari through Ford Motor Company on 9/21/01 and we quickly learned that the trip was simply canceled, not to be rescheduled. We learned that international flights were canceled and that people all over the world were to stay put, watch and pray.
I knew our world had changed that day and I feared that it would never be the same. It has not been the same.
UP
Tomorrow my family is going to head to the state up north...and then we're going to keep on driving. Along with my husband, my daughter and I we will be traveling with my parents. In the past traveling with them is always fun. They do spur of the moment things and are always up for an adventure. They also have, how do I say this tactfully, more funds than we do. They also like to share. That means we will be staying in really cool places, like the Grand Hotel on Mackinac Island.
What I am looking forward to most is not swanky hotels and nice meals out. Nope, not really. I am mostly looking forward to being out in the middle of nowhere. The city gets to me after awhile and I need to see other things besides buildings, concrete, cars and people. I want to be surrounded by trees, water and rocks. That's what I want to see. I look forward to hiking, shopping in quaint little shops in small town and to showing my daughter some new sights. I have never been to the UP myself (the Upper Peninsula) and I am eager to see the area I have heard so much about.
What I am looking forward to most is not swanky hotels and nice meals out. Nope, not really. I am mostly looking forward to being out in the middle of nowhere. The city gets to me after awhile and I need to see other things besides buildings, concrete, cars and people. I want to be surrounded by trees, water and rocks. That's what I want to see. I look forward to hiking, shopping in quaint little shops in small town and to showing my daughter some new sights. I have never been to the UP myself (the Upper Peninsula) and I am eager to see the area I have heard so much about.
Friday, September 9, 2011
5 years...
Five years a ago today I stood beneath a big tree with my beloved as these words were read. These words have deep, DEEP meaning for us. The meant a lot then and they mean a lot now. For me David Fessehazion and this life we are carving out for ourselves embodies this verse. We truly waited on the Lord to bring us together. I had no idea all those years spent praying and waiting that I was waiting for him. I never imagined my dreams and desires could be captured so wonderfully in one man. I am truly better because of him. He said it best when he said "Your strengths cover my weaknesses, and my strengths cover yours".
Life has not always been wonderful in the past 5 years, no sirree. We have had many sorrows, heartaches, setbacks and we've even had times when we honestly weren't sure we had what it was going to take to make it for the long haul. Thankfully, we choose each day to love one another and to put in the work a life together requires.
A few days after we became engaged we went to Haiku with our dear friends Mark and Amy Palmer. That night over sushi and pad thai we asked Mark to officiate our wedding. He told us that he would be honored to do so and he said that during our homily he would incorporate a few verses from Psalm 27, because they reminded him of us. Not exactly being a Bible scholar I asked what those verses said. He told me and then he looked at us and said "You guys remind me that I have seen the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living". Mark was less than 4 weeks from dying from stage 4 colon cancer. I can't recall anyone ever saying anything to me that made me feel the way that statement did.
My David has allowed me to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living in ways I can't express fully to anyone. I am very much in love with my husband, and that feels amazing.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Goodbye, Momma. Hello, Mommy.
Well, it's happened. Emaline is now calling me (mostly) mommy. One one hand I love it. She says it so sweetly and it's something she's come up with. I usually call myself Momma when speaking to her about me. She just wants to call me Mommy. Sweet girl. With that, I just heard her waking. I love her. I love her even more than Christmas.
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