Ramblings

I feel a ramble coming on. For days, weeks maybe, I have felt something within me wanting to get out. Thoughts I am having need to be put down and this is the outlet I'm choosing. I am just going to write, it may not make sense, and that's ok.

I don't want to do "this". I am selfish and tired and I want more out of my days. I feel like I am angry all the time, that I resent my family and that all I really want to do is get out of my house, my minivan, the monotony. This was everything I always said I wanted, but right now, lately, it is suffocating me. I AM SO SELFISH.

My brain doesn't know how to work anymore. I feel like I haven't used my mind for anything. I want to have passions in my life, a vocation that I feel inspired by. I miss my clients and I miss working. Being with adults was wonderful and I miss it. This motherhood thing is so much harder than I ever imagined it would be. I thought it was all fun and that somehow when I would become a mother my desires and dreams would all center around my kids and husband, but that didn't happen.

I want to teach fitness classes. I want to learn more about diet and nutrition. I want to attend classes and get another degree. I want to go away on business and I want to go to a meeting. I want to go on a road trip alone, just me, some music and no agenda. I want to drive and see things and not have to worry about anyone else needing a nap, or a snack. Just me to worry about.

I am wildly selfish and entitled. I feel guilty about that, but it's the truth.

I want to eat what I want. How does anyone eat a delicious meal and stop themselves from eating the whole lot of it and not sit there and fixate on it. Food calls to me. It beckons me. I am angry that I can't just eat as much as I want without paying the consequences for it. The feeling of being thin was wonderful and I want it back.

My poor husband can't do anything right and I expect so much out of him and I know he is frustrated with me. I rely on him too much perhaps, I don't know. I am just worn out and tired and I don't enjoy several aspects of this stage of motherhood and I hope that someday soon I get to feel like me again. I feel a little crazy and sometimes I get so angry/sad/bewildered that I think smoke will indeed start pouring from my ears at any moment.