rambles...

my daughter has been sick for a month. it sucks pretty bad for a lot of reasons. obviously because she doesn't feel well and that makes me sad for her. it also interferes with her sleep, which weighs on us all. one other reason it sucks is because it makes me feel inadequate as a momma because breastfeeding didn't pan out for us as we'd have hoped. i can't help but wonder if i had been able to nurse her for longer if my poor girl would be going through this right now. i have often said that our breastfeeding issues were harder for me to deal with than my cesarean and subsequent hematoma. it's true. nothing thus far in mothering has been more infuriating and depressing as my "inability" to nurse my baby. 16 months after her birth it still makes me feel self conscious and in a word, less. less of a woman, a mother, a fighter, you name it...less. rationally i can explain what are issues were and can even accept them. emotionally i still can't. as i think and prepare for the birth of #2 down the road my biggest concern is not vbac, or scheduled c/s, or post-op issues returning, but rather breastfeeding. what birth will help me be able to nurse my second baby with greather ease than last time? no answers yet. it hurts me to see and hear other moms succesfully nursing their babies. all those insecurities just come to the surface. i can't also help but feel as if some women want to make me feel that way. i'm probably just paranoid. when i get down on my body and it's supposed "failure to progress" and failure to produce (milk in my case) it's easy to feel defeated and even angry with my bod. i've recently been introduced to a website called "shape of a mother". wow. countless numbers of women are there sharing pictures and stories of how their bodies made life, milk, and pleasure. this has inspired me to be less critical of myself and all my shortcomings. the truth is that i grew emaline in my body, and she is perfection. healthy, strong, beautiful, smart and full of love. my body may ot have been allowed to act the way it was intended because of medicine and pain, but it did it's job of growing a life. looking at my scar and flab and sagginess reminds me of my journey. my journey as a mother of course, but also of my journey as myself.

i haven't always been kind to my body. in fact i've usually been downright abusive to it. having a baby grow inside me taught me more than i can even convey and it turned my life upside down. or should i say right side up? this week was a personal milestone for a few reasons. 1.)i'm within 10 lbs. of my original goal weight. 2.) my body fat % is in the normal range and 3.) i'm wearing a size ten jeans. that's all wonderful but what's even better is that for the first time i can really see it. i was running on the treadmill the other day and there was a window in front of me and i could see my reflection. i try not to see myself often while exercising. too much flopping and bouncing if ya know what i mean! but on this day when i saw myself i saw something different. i look different. i look better. i feel better. could it be that i am really turning into myself? does the mirror reflect what i actually feel? as i read over this i feel self concious for tooting my own horn while at the same time realizing that these words don't capture what i feel. there aren't really even words for it. this body that i have for years hated and hidden and cursed has changed. i changed it. i am still changing it. it's not out of hate for it that i have done this, but rather love for it. love for the round soft self that carried my child, loved my husband, carried around my heart and mind, and represented me to the world. having emaline taught me to love this body enough to change it and care for it. even love it. not just for her or her father, but for me.