"Dear God, thank you for Mommy. Thank you for daddy. Thank you for the table."
I melted.
She said it after David prayed and then I prayed as we lit the fourth candle on our Advent wreath. She said she wanted to pray and that's what she said.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
This season, and by that I mean the Christmas season, can get really busy really fast. There are so many parties to attend, dishes to prepare, gifts to purchase and wrap and family obligations to fulfill. This year I have really tried to keep it simple. Minimal gifts, some handmade, and all from the heart. I desire to keep it simple because I don't want to lose the meaning or the purpose of why it is I do all of this. I want to be motivated by celebration at the coming of my King rather than because I'm supposed to. I have tried to enjoy all of the preparations for Christmas this year and I honestly have. Decorating the house has been a joy when I see my sweet daughter light up when she sees it all put together. Baking and cooking has been fun too because I have two little helping hands eager to go!
What I'm saying is that I have really loved getting ready for the birth of Christ this year, even more than normal. Emaline Joy helps me see the meaning and wonder in all of the stuff we do.
What I'm saying is that I have really loved getting ready for the birth of Christ this year, even more than normal. Emaline Joy helps me see the meaning and wonder in all of the stuff we do.
Monday, December 12, 2011
The 3rd trimester!
I am now in my third trimester! In 8-13 weeks or so I will be meeting this wee one! Here is an update on how it's all going for me and baby.
How I'm feeling: Overall, pretty great. It's getting harder to bend over, shave my legs and carry Emaline for long, but no real complaints. Sleeping is also tough with a burgeoning belly, numb hands from blood supply getting cut off and having to pee all the time, but I can handle it.
Weight Gain: 14.8 pounds. Already 3 pounds more than I gained with Em! This is a good thing though. I will say it pushed me over that unmentionable number on the scale and that was hard to swallow, but hey, the kid is healthy and so am I. It'll come off. Now's not the time to worry about it. I had a thought: why worry about the number on the scale but rather concern myself with impeccable nutrition and let the numbers be what they will. So far so good!
Overall health of us: Fab. My sugar is still normal (unless I eat something stupid...like a soft pretzel...ooops!) and I am so happy about that! Blood pressure is still hanging out around 112/64 which is waaaaay better than last time. Baby has a heartbeat of 144-152 beat per minute and feels normal, even though my uterus is measuring large. My MW says that's most likely because i have an anterior placenta and because this is my 2nd baby. I have another ultrasound at 34 weeks to check on things with my placenta to make sure it's not too low for a vaginal delivery. It was right on the line for being too close to my incision sight so I need ti have it checked once more. I wish I didn't need to, but I'll do what I need to do. Baby is kicking right now! Baby is also laying in a transverse position, but I'm confident he/she will turn head down in a few weeks. Em was just like this. I'm seeing a chiropractor too and that should help with positioning.
VBAC: I'm still planning for a vaginal birth after cesarean (VBAC) and really believe that's the best decision at this time. As long as everything goes as planned I feel like this is the safest option. I've done a tremendous amount of research and feel really good about it. It's not a one size fits all decision and I think women should have access to the kind of birth they want in most scenarios...but that's another blog for another day.
Cravings: PEANUT BUTTER.
I think that sums it up. I feel great and really love being pregnant. It's a miracle.
How I'm feeling: Overall, pretty great. It's getting harder to bend over, shave my legs and carry Emaline for long, but no real complaints. Sleeping is also tough with a burgeoning belly, numb hands from blood supply getting cut off and having to pee all the time, but I can handle it.
Weight Gain: 14.8 pounds. Already 3 pounds more than I gained with Em! This is a good thing though. I will say it pushed me over that unmentionable number on the scale and that was hard to swallow, but hey, the kid is healthy and so am I. It'll come off. Now's not the time to worry about it. I had a thought: why worry about the number on the scale but rather concern myself with impeccable nutrition and let the numbers be what they will. So far so good!
Overall health of us: Fab. My sugar is still normal (unless I eat something stupid...like a soft pretzel...ooops!) and I am so happy about that! Blood pressure is still hanging out around 112/64 which is waaaaay better than last time. Baby has a heartbeat of 144-152 beat per minute and feels normal, even though my uterus is measuring large. My MW says that's most likely because i have an anterior placenta and because this is my 2nd baby. I have another ultrasound at 34 weeks to check on things with my placenta to make sure it's not too low for a vaginal delivery. It was right on the line for being too close to my incision sight so I need ti have it checked once more. I wish I didn't need to, but I'll do what I need to do. Baby is kicking right now! Baby is also laying in a transverse position, but I'm confident he/she will turn head down in a few weeks. Em was just like this. I'm seeing a chiropractor too and that should help with positioning.
VBAC: I'm still planning for a vaginal birth after cesarean (VBAC) and really believe that's the best decision at this time. As long as everything goes as planned I feel like this is the safest option. I've done a tremendous amount of research and feel really good about it. It's not a one size fits all decision and I think women should have access to the kind of birth they want in most scenarios...but that's another blog for another day.
Cravings: PEANUT BUTTER.
I think that sums it up. I feel great and really love being pregnant. It's a miracle.
Food and Christmas
Food and Christmas are apparently linked together in my brain. The two go together like peanut butter and jelly to me. This year has been especially difficult for me because I have been forced to separate them, and it kinda ticks me off! I know that Christmas is about Jesus and the anticipation of his coming, and not cookies and the like. So then why do I feel like I can't really celebrate the coming Christ child because I can't eat all the yummy treats? Silly as it seems I can't help myself from feeling like I'm missing something.
I know I have food addiction issues. I have worked hard for a long time to break free, and in many ways I feel like I have a lot more freedom. Three years ago I would've said "Screw it! It's Christmas time! Eat all you want and don't think about it!" I would have listened...and been probably more miserable later on. I guess I just get tired of fighting and want to have a time where I can just let my guard down. Now is not the time for that though. I have to watch every morsel I eat because I am being closely monitored for gestational diabetes. Praise God I don't have it, but if I were to eat a bunch of cookies, bread or potatoes it wouldn't be a weeks time and I would need medicine. I have to stick with protein, vegetables and whole grains...or else.
Sigh. I'm so thankful that I don't need the help of pills to control my sugar and that I'm so much healthier this time. I just wanted to rant a minute and tell cyberspace just how annoying it is to not be able to eat what you want during this season of Christmas. Instead I am focusing on watching the wonder of this time reflected through the eyes of my sweet girl. She loves the lights, her little people Nativity scene and the way everything is decorated. She enjoys reading books and lighting the candles and doing fun activities with her family. She makes me smile everyday and my heart feels so much joy. That's more than enough.
Then there's this baby that I'm already in love with. With every sweet little kick I smile and count my blessings. I have been given a tremendous gift and refuse to take it for granted. I know so many women who have a miserable time trying to conceive and then carry a baby to full-term. That realization has made me grateful for each day of pregnancy, even when it's tough and uncomfortable. For that gift I will forgo the sugar and carbs. WORTH IT.
I know I have food addiction issues. I have worked hard for a long time to break free, and in many ways I feel like I have a lot more freedom. Three years ago I would've said "Screw it! It's Christmas time! Eat all you want and don't think about it!" I would have listened...and been probably more miserable later on. I guess I just get tired of fighting and want to have a time where I can just let my guard down. Now is not the time for that though. I have to watch every morsel I eat because I am being closely monitored for gestational diabetes. Praise God I don't have it, but if I were to eat a bunch of cookies, bread or potatoes it wouldn't be a weeks time and I would need medicine. I have to stick with protein, vegetables and whole grains...or else.
Sigh. I'm so thankful that I don't need the help of pills to control my sugar and that I'm so much healthier this time. I just wanted to rant a minute and tell cyberspace just how annoying it is to not be able to eat what you want during this season of Christmas. Instead I am focusing on watching the wonder of this time reflected through the eyes of my sweet girl. She loves the lights, her little people Nativity scene and the way everything is decorated. She enjoys reading books and lighting the candles and doing fun activities with her family. She makes me smile everyday and my heart feels so much joy. That's more than enough.
Then there's this baby that I'm already in love with. With every sweet little kick I smile and count my blessings. I have been given a tremendous gift and refuse to take it for granted. I know so many women who have a miserable time trying to conceive and then carry a baby to full-term. That realization has made me grateful for each day of pregnancy, even when it's tough and uncomfortable. For that gift I will forgo the sugar and carbs. WORTH IT.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Make new friends, but keep the old...
...one is silver and the others gold. I remember singing this song in Girl Scouts Troop 1387 when I was younger and lately it has been on loop in my head as I have made a lot of new friends in the last year or so. With starting a weight loss program at the Y and starting graduate school I have been introduced to a lot of new people. My parents have often told me throughout the years that I am a "career friend'. What they mean (because I have asked) is that I have a full-time job just maintaining my personal relationships. Amen to that!
I have wonderful friends, I always have. Recently I have made two new "everyday" friends that have been so encouraging and life giving to me and I am blessed to have them. So blessed that I don't like that the song would call them silver!
This week I have also been reminded how loved and supported I am by some of my "old" friends. Not everyone has relationships that are rich and meaningful and I strive not to take these relationships for granted.
I have wonderful friends, I always have. Recently I have made two new "everyday" friends that have been so encouraging and life giving to me and I am blessed to have them. So blessed that I don't like that the song would call them silver!
This week I have also been reminded how loved and supported I am by some of my "old" friends. Not everyone has relationships that are rich and meaningful and I strive not to take these relationships for granted.
Marathon
Yesterday I completed my 2nd half marathon! This year my friend Elisha and I walked it, and we're both pregnant. She is 34 weeks and I am 21. It was tough, but so worth it. I love to challenge myself and to feel the sense of accomplishment, strength and even pain makes me feel more alive, like I am testing the limits or something. I think that must be why 17,000 people ran or walked in the half or full marathon yesterday.
I have several friends who ran the full 26.2 for the first time yesterday and they all finished! WOW! I was inspired in new ways by all of them. Some of them have been my partners in weight loss, and one has been a friend for over 10 years and is now a neighbor. Each of them ran the race for a different reason and all of them worked through injuries, distractions and negativity to get to the start line and then the finish line.
I find marathons to be emotional. To watch someone achieve something they had worked so hard for makes me cry. I know that kind of work and determination, and I have been changed by it. Silly as it may seem, I see God in it. He made us and made our bodies that can withstand so much, but are still so fragile. When I saw friends running across the line or in the race I was overcome. To a lot of people running that far seems stupid to say the least. What's the point? Is it worth the time, money and energy? Aren't there better things to put your time into? Yet for those of us out there that have tasted and seen the power God put within us in this way it makes sense.
26.2? Someday.
I have several friends who ran the full 26.2 for the first time yesterday and they all finished! WOW! I was inspired in new ways by all of them. Some of them have been my partners in weight loss, and one has been a friend for over 10 years and is now a neighbor. Each of them ran the race for a different reason and all of them worked through injuries, distractions and negativity to get to the start line and then the finish line.
I find marathons to be emotional. To watch someone achieve something they had worked so hard for makes me cry. I know that kind of work and determination, and I have been changed by it. Silly as it may seem, I see God in it. He made us and made our bodies that can withstand so much, but are still so fragile. When I saw friends running across the line or in the race I was overcome. To a lot of people running that far seems stupid to say the least. What's the point? Is it worth the time, money and energy? Aren't there better things to put your time into? Yet for those of us out there that have tasted and seen the power God put within us in this way it makes sense.
26.2? Someday.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Gender, part 2
We have chosen not to find out the gender of this baby. While I'm excited about the surprise of it all, I'd be lying if I said I'm 100% happy about that choice right now.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Gender
Since I became pregnant with my second child people have been asking me "what I want" in terms of gender. I too have asked people this question out of sheer curiosity and because some people definitely have a strong preference. I don't. No really, I don't. I really want...either one.
It also occurred to me this time that just because I give birth to a child of one gender that doesn't mean they are going to fit into that "role". Yes, I think we all have ideas about what it means to be masculine or feminine. Therefore just because E is a girl that does not mean she will want to wear pink dresses, play drees up and hate being dirty. Or maybe she'll love all those things, who knows. My point is that just because a child is male or female does not mean they will identify with that label/role at all.
So here's what I want...
Why I REALLY want a GIRL: I never had a sister and I akways wanted one. My mom has 3 sisters and a brother and the bond between she and her sisters is remarkable and I've always been envious of that. I would love it if my sweet Emaline had a baby sister. I realize that doesn't mean she'll always get along with her. I know plenty of sisters who don't. I also love and have loved the idea of raising up strong, confident women. There aren't enough of them. In fact I'm working on that in myself. There is also the reason that I love my daughter with such passion that I can't even imagine a boy. My husband is so precious to watch with our daughter. I get all kinds of warm fuzzies watching him interact with her so tenderly. I also have a lot of feminine clothes...
Why I REALLY want a BOY: I don't have a son, and I would love to know what a boy my lover and I created together would be like. Since I don't have a sister but am not an only child, this means I have a brother. I LOVE my brother. He is 12 months and 6 days my junior and we have not always gotten along, to say the least. However I couldn't imagine my life without my baby brother and think it would be so cool for Emaline to have that. I also want a son because David wants a son. He cares. He wants a boy. With Emaline he actually wanted a girl, but this time he wants to round out his family and see his son. I also love the idea of raising a man after God's own heart. There surely aren't enough of those. I also have a perfect name picked out for him...
I am having my ultrasound in a few days and will have the opportunity to find out. I'm on the fence about knowing, but will probably find out. Mostly because the way I have planned to learn of my baby's gender might even be cooler than checking between their legs myself once he/she is born. ;)
It also occurred to me this time that just because I give birth to a child of one gender that doesn't mean they are going to fit into that "role". Yes, I think we all have ideas about what it means to be masculine or feminine. Therefore just because E is a girl that does not mean she will want to wear pink dresses, play drees up and hate being dirty. Or maybe she'll love all those things, who knows. My point is that just because a child is male or female does not mean they will identify with that label/role at all.
So here's what I want...
Why I REALLY want a GIRL: I never had a sister and I akways wanted one. My mom has 3 sisters and a brother and the bond between she and her sisters is remarkable and I've always been envious of that. I would love it if my sweet Emaline had a baby sister. I realize that doesn't mean she'll always get along with her. I know plenty of sisters who don't. I also love and have loved the idea of raising up strong, confident women. There aren't enough of them. In fact I'm working on that in myself. There is also the reason that I love my daughter with such passion that I can't even imagine a boy. My husband is so precious to watch with our daughter. I get all kinds of warm fuzzies watching him interact with her so tenderly. I also have a lot of feminine clothes...
Why I REALLY want a BOY: I don't have a son, and I would love to know what a boy my lover and I created together would be like. Since I don't have a sister but am not an only child, this means I have a brother. I LOVE my brother. He is 12 months and 6 days my junior and we have not always gotten along, to say the least. However I couldn't imagine my life without my baby brother and think it would be so cool for Emaline to have that. I also want a son because David wants a son. He cares. He wants a boy. With Emaline he actually wanted a girl, but this time he wants to round out his family and see his son. I also love the idea of raising a man after God's own heart. There surely aren't enough of those. I also have a perfect name picked out for him...
I am having my ultrasound in a few days and will have the opportunity to find out. I'm on the fence about knowing, but will probably find out. Mostly because the way I have planned to learn of my baby's gender might even be cooler than checking between their legs myself once he/she is born. ;)
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Staying home
Today has been one of "those days" where I think to myself that it would probably benefit my entire household if I went to work. What that means is, it would benefit me to be away from my sweet girl for a few hours. It's just a fleeting thought, but I thought if I wrote it down I might feel better right this minute. NO, I am not planning to go back to work anytime soon. Truth is I normaly lovelovelove staying home with her, even on bad days
Some days there is entirely too much going on and I get overwhelmed.
Today I heard from an old college friend and she said that her 8 year old daughter is experiencing kidney failure and they are waiting for a donor kidney. In the meantime this sweet little girl will be on dialysis for 8 hours a day, 3 days a week at Columbus Children's Hospital, an hour from their home. Suddenly my days with a sometimes loud, often defiant and HEALTHY toddler have been feeling like a gift. That's because they are.
Some days there is entirely too much going on and I get overwhelmed.
Today I heard from an old college friend and she said that her 8 year old daughter is experiencing kidney failure and they are waiting for a donor kidney. In the meantime this sweet little girl will be on dialysis for 8 hours a day, 3 days a week at Columbus Children's Hospital, an hour from their home. Suddenly my days with a sometimes loud, often defiant and HEALTHY toddler have been feeling like a gift. That's because they are.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
This pregnancy in contrast to the one that resulted in Emaline...
This pregnancy could not be more different, and I want to document it here.
Sickness: With Emaline I felt pretty great and never really experienced "morning sickness", but I was fatigued in a major way. This time? I threw up multiple times a day from weeks 7 to roughly 13. WORTH IT.
My health: Last time I was diagnose with GD at 10 weeks and had high BP and was taking meds twice a day. This time my sugar has been perfect and my BP has been the same. PRAISE GOD!
Movement: With Emaline all movements felt very strong and powerful, even early on. This baby seems to flutter around and just kind of peacefully stretch. It's amazing either way. I LOVE feeling my babies move in my womb.
Weight gain: With Em I lost 6 pounds the first trimester and then gained 18 after that, or 12 pounds more than pre-pregnancy weight. At 18 weeks I was up 8 pounds...and I lost none in the beginning.
Prenatal care: Last time I saw an OB and he was great, but he spent very little time with me. I also had appointments with great frequency. This time I am seeing a MW and my appointments last an hour and are so in depth.
Birth: With Emaline I was induced and after a looooong labor I had a cesarean for "failure to progress". This time I am hoping to have a water VBAC. If things keep going like they are, I'd say I have a great chance of that happening.
As long as the end result is the same, a HEALTHY baby, I will take whatever this pregnancy has to give me, just like I did last time.
Sickness: With Emaline I felt pretty great and never really experienced "morning sickness", but I was fatigued in a major way. This time? I threw up multiple times a day from weeks 7 to roughly 13. WORTH IT.
My health: Last time I was diagnose with GD at 10 weeks and had high BP and was taking meds twice a day. This time my sugar has been perfect and my BP has been the same. PRAISE GOD!
Movement: With Emaline all movements felt very strong and powerful, even early on. This baby seems to flutter around and just kind of peacefully stretch. It's amazing either way. I LOVE feeling my babies move in my womb.
Weight gain: With Em I lost 6 pounds the first trimester and then gained 18 after that, or 12 pounds more than pre-pregnancy weight. At 18 weeks I was up 8 pounds...and I lost none in the beginning.
Prenatal care: Last time I saw an OB and he was great, but he spent very little time with me. I also had appointments with great frequency. This time I am seeing a MW and my appointments last an hour and are so in depth.
Birth: With Emaline I was induced and after a looooong labor I had a cesarean for "failure to progress". This time I am hoping to have a water VBAC. If things keep going like they are, I'd say I have a great chance of that happening.
As long as the end result is the same, a HEALTHY baby, I will take whatever this pregnancy has to give me, just like I did last time.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Grad School
I am a nerd. I like school. This has not always been the case, but it has usually been the case. Now that I am an adult I really enjoy it. The time spent reading academic materials that interest me and then the discussions that follow in class leave me feeling refreshed and...smarter. I love my job. I love staying home with Emaline and when I pass a daycare center I remind myself to count myself blessed to stay home with her. that's why my current school schedule is pretty grand. One night a week I am guaranteed a hot meal to myself with interesting adults to talk to. At times the workload is a bit much. It was especially so when I was in that haze of my first trimester when I was puking like crazy! I took a 6 week break and while it was great to do nothing while Emaline slept, I really missed it. I even missed the reading! Crazy!
So now why do I wonder if I'm doing the right thing? I just started my special education classes a month ago and now I'm beginning to wonder if I'm really going to enjoy being and Intervention Specialist. I talked it over with my advisor and she was no help. She just went on about how great I'll be at it. It was nice to hear, but it didn't really help me figure anything out. Sure, I have a special spot in my heart for people with disabilities and I do think I have a natural ability to work with people. Yet I feel like my passions have changed. Where I once felt passionate about helping people with disabilities gain independence and dignity I now find myself wanting to help obese people. Perhaps it's because for the past two years my exposure to the population I worked with at Arc has been very limited, while I have simultaneously been on a journey to conquer my own obesity. Both experiences were so life giving and so challenging and so worth my time that now I wonder what I should do as a career when I no longer stay home with my babies .
Eventually I want to return to work. Not for some years, like when my youngest is in school all day, but I am sure I want to go back. Motherhood is a joyous responsibility and I am honored to do it. If I don't do this whole mothering thing well then what's the point. Yet I feel an itch to do something in addition to that. Not because I don't think it's enough, because it is. I want to do it because there is a stirring deep in my heart to help people. What will I be doing when I go back? I better figure it out. MVNU ain't cheap.
So now why do I wonder if I'm doing the right thing? I just started my special education classes a month ago and now I'm beginning to wonder if I'm really going to enjoy being and Intervention Specialist. I talked it over with my advisor and she was no help. She just went on about how great I'll be at it. It was nice to hear, but it didn't really help me figure anything out. Sure, I have a special spot in my heart for people with disabilities and I do think I have a natural ability to work with people. Yet I feel like my passions have changed. Where I once felt passionate about helping people with disabilities gain independence and dignity I now find myself wanting to help obese people. Perhaps it's because for the past two years my exposure to the population I worked with at Arc has been very limited, while I have simultaneously been on a journey to conquer my own obesity. Both experiences were so life giving and so challenging and so worth my time that now I wonder what I should do as a career when I no longer stay home with my babies .
Eventually I want to return to work. Not for some years, like when my youngest is in school all day, but I am sure I want to go back. Motherhood is a joyous responsibility and I am honored to do it. If I don't do this whole mothering thing well then what's the point. Yet I feel an itch to do something in addition to that. Not because I don't think it's enough, because it is. I want to do it because there is a stirring deep in my heart to help people. What will I be doing when I go back? I better figure it out. MVNU ain't cheap.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Pregnancy thus far...
I am almost halfway! It's going fast, that's for sure. Here is a list of what's going on:
How I'm feeling: Right now? Awesome! I'm in that sweet spot. I love being pregnant, but this is a favorite time for me. I'm not sick anymore and I'm not huge yet. Perfect! Mentally/emotionally I am still struggling to grasp that this is a new experience and that my last birth and breastfeeding experience does not determine my future. I need to let it go.
Weight gain: 8 lbs. I'm fine with that, but can't lie. It's hard to watch the scale creep up.
Cravings: It varies, but so far I have craved pineapple, cheeto's puffs, orange sherbet, root beer, the sharpest cheddar cheese I can find, and fruit smoothies.
Prenatal appointments: They are going very well! Baby has a strong heartbeat of 160. My blood pressure is normal as is my blood sugar! Praise GOD! By this time with Em I was a mess. All that hard work paid off!!!! I chose to see a midwife this time around. She is an RN and has been for 30 years and has delivered 2,000 babies! WOW! She is great, well respected and she is thorough! My appointments last an hour and cover so much!
Gender: We are finding out on 10/16! I am walking the half marathon and when I get to the finish line some friends will be there holding a sign revealing the gender! I can't wait for the surprise!
Stay tuned!
How I'm feeling: Right now? Awesome! I'm in that sweet spot. I love being pregnant, but this is a favorite time for me. I'm not sick anymore and I'm not huge yet. Perfect! Mentally/emotionally I am still struggling to grasp that this is a new experience and that my last birth and breastfeeding experience does not determine my future. I need to let it go.
Weight gain: 8 lbs. I'm fine with that, but can't lie. It's hard to watch the scale creep up.
Cravings: It varies, but so far I have craved pineapple, cheeto's puffs, orange sherbet, root beer, the sharpest cheddar cheese I can find, and fruit smoothies.
Prenatal appointments: They are going very well! Baby has a strong heartbeat of 160. My blood pressure is normal as is my blood sugar! Praise GOD! By this time with Em I was a mess. All that hard work paid off!!!! I chose to see a midwife this time around. She is an RN and has been for 30 years and has delivered 2,000 babies! WOW! She is great, well respected and she is thorough! My appointments last an hour and cover so much!
Gender: We are finding out on 10/16! I am walking the half marathon and when I get to the finish line some friends will be there holding a sign revealing the gender! I can't wait for the surprise!
Stay tuned!
Friday, September 23, 2011
2 years old!
Emaline Joy turned 2 on 9/15/11. WHAT?! How can she be two? There don't really seem to be a lot of words I can use to describe what these past two years have been like. All the love, the trials, sacrifices, joys, questioning, and abundant JOY she brings me is truly beyond description. She is growing up so fast, she is a little girl it seems. These days she is talking up a storm and it seems like every hour she is saying new things and communicating more and more.
She made me a mother, and man do I love being her mother. It has made me better in so many ways. It has also challenged me and brought me to my knees on many occasions. What an awesome responsibility I have been entrusted with. Some days I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. I know I must be doing something right though. She is bright. She is sweet. She is loving and affectionate. Even if she was none of those things, she would still be mine. My sweet girl.
She made me a mother, and man do I love being her mother. It has made me better in so many ways. It has also challenged me and brought me to my knees on many occasions. What an awesome responsibility I have been entrusted with. Some days I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. I know I must be doing something right though. She is bright. She is sweet. She is loving and affectionate. Even if she was none of those things, she would still be mine. My sweet girl.
All things AUTUMN
Today is the first day of my most beloved season, Autumn. Or fall, whatever. I love the word autumn so I will use it. Here is a list of why I love this time of year ohsomuch:
-Cooler temps, which means (in my opinion) cuter clothes like boots, jackets, sweaters, corduroy pants and HOODIES! Oh, I love hoodies.
-Apple orchards and pumpkin patches.
-Hayrides
-Bonfires
-The food! Soups, stews, fruit crisps and pies, cider, s'mores, and any food that makes me feel cozy.
-The beautiful leaves
-Beggars night in Franklinton
-Watching reruns of The Gilmore Girls. This can be done anytime, but I like it best in autumn.
-Watching "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" on TV with my family.
-Lighting the fire for the first time.
-Taking a Sunday drive with my love to watch the leaves.
-Lighting my Yankee candle 'Autumn Leaves' candles
-Anticipating what's to come. (i.e Thanksgiving and CHRISTMAS!)
There are probably countless other things I'm forgetting, but these are a few highlights. When the days grown shorter and the temperatures drop I always think of my brother, Mark Palmer though. He too loved all things fall. It makes me feel melancholy that he has never been to Blinntoberfest and that I'll never get to sit in the gardens at 64 King with him for autumn vespers. I had a good cry over his absence today. I know he is better off. I am hopeful of of the resurrection of the dead. Yet as I look around at my life and at the lives of those once a part of LP I can't help but wonder what life would be like had he lived and been healed in this life. I just miss him and his powerful presence in my life and the lives of so many of the ones I love. Today I am grateful for the years I knew him and the way those years shaped my journey.
-Cooler temps, which means (in my opinion) cuter clothes like boots, jackets, sweaters, corduroy pants and HOODIES! Oh, I love hoodies.
-Apple orchards and pumpkin patches.
-Hayrides
-Bonfires
-The food! Soups, stews, fruit crisps and pies, cider, s'mores, and any food that makes me feel cozy.
-The beautiful leaves
-Beggars night in Franklinton
-Watching reruns of The Gilmore Girls. This can be done anytime, but I like it best in autumn.
-Watching "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" on TV with my family.
-Lighting the fire for the first time.
-Taking a Sunday drive with my love to watch the leaves.
-Lighting my Yankee candle 'Autumn Leaves' candles
-Anticipating what's to come. (i.e Thanksgiving and CHRISTMAS!)
There are probably countless other things I'm forgetting, but these are a few highlights. When the days grown shorter and the temperatures drop I always think of my brother, Mark Palmer though. He too loved all things fall. It makes me feel melancholy that he has never been to Blinntoberfest and that I'll never get to sit in the gardens at 64 King with him for autumn vespers. I had a good cry over his absence today. I know he is better off. I am hopeful of of the resurrection of the dead. Yet as I look around at my life and at the lives of those once a part of LP I can't help but wonder what life would be like had he lived and been healed in this life. I just miss him and his powerful presence in my life and the lives of so many of the ones I love. Today I am grateful for the years I knew him and the way those years shaped my journey.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Where were you when the world stopped turning?
Alan Jackson song "Where Were You" about the terrorist attacks on September 11, 2001 always makes me (and surely countless others) stop in my tracks and remember it all. Here's my story.
I was 20 and a sophomore at MVNC. I was in the shower when I heard my phone ringing off the hook. I had no early calsses that day and had slept in. I got out when I was good and ready not at all concerned by the fact that my phone had been ringing. When I answered it was my friend Critter and he said "Go turn on your TV." That was all he said. I was not worried but turned on the radio instead because our tiny old TV didn't get great reception even on basic channels. When I turned on the radio I just got confused. Airplanes, world trade center, attacks, hijacks, WHAT? I knew I needed to visually see the television and know what was going on.
I don't remember who was in our Maplewood 102 apartment that morning but I do remember going downstairs and watching TV and just feeling still so confused. I was watching when the second plane hit the towers and that's when I understood what was happening. I watched until I couldn't watch anymore because I had to go to class. I went to a canceled class were students and the professor had tears in their eyes and the prof told us that there was going to be a special prayer service held in the chapel very soon so I went straight there. I hugged people, cried, prayed for the victims and for the ones dealing with the tragedy. I prayed for my friends Mark, Critter, and Hensley because I knew they would most likely be called up to active duty in the Air National Guard. They were withing the week. My friend Liz had a brother and sister in law living in NYC and we heard that they were safe. My friend Wendy's family lived just outside of Washington DC and it seemed to take forever to hear that her dad was safe. I didn't personally know anyone else who was missing or could have been there, but that didn't stop me from being terrified for the ones I didn't know.
My friend Summer and I were scheduled to leave on a two week African safari through Ford Motor Company on 9/21/01 and we quickly learned that the trip was simply canceled, not to be rescheduled. We learned that international flights were canceled and that people all over the world were to stay put, watch and pray.
I knew our world had changed that day and I feared that it would never be the same. It has not been the same.
I was 20 and a sophomore at MVNC. I was in the shower when I heard my phone ringing off the hook. I had no early calsses that day and had slept in. I got out when I was good and ready not at all concerned by the fact that my phone had been ringing. When I answered it was my friend Critter and he said "Go turn on your TV." That was all he said. I was not worried but turned on the radio instead because our tiny old TV didn't get great reception even on basic channels. When I turned on the radio I just got confused. Airplanes, world trade center, attacks, hijacks, WHAT? I knew I needed to visually see the television and know what was going on.
I don't remember who was in our Maplewood 102 apartment that morning but I do remember going downstairs and watching TV and just feeling still so confused. I was watching when the second plane hit the towers and that's when I understood what was happening. I watched until I couldn't watch anymore because I had to go to class. I went to a canceled class were students and the professor had tears in their eyes and the prof told us that there was going to be a special prayer service held in the chapel very soon so I went straight there. I hugged people, cried, prayed for the victims and for the ones dealing with the tragedy. I prayed for my friends Mark, Critter, and Hensley because I knew they would most likely be called up to active duty in the Air National Guard. They were withing the week. My friend Liz had a brother and sister in law living in NYC and we heard that they were safe. My friend Wendy's family lived just outside of Washington DC and it seemed to take forever to hear that her dad was safe. I didn't personally know anyone else who was missing or could have been there, but that didn't stop me from being terrified for the ones I didn't know.
My friend Summer and I were scheduled to leave on a two week African safari through Ford Motor Company on 9/21/01 and we quickly learned that the trip was simply canceled, not to be rescheduled. We learned that international flights were canceled and that people all over the world were to stay put, watch and pray.
I knew our world had changed that day and I feared that it would never be the same. It has not been the same.
UP
Tomorrow my family is going to head to the state up north...and then we're going to keep on driving. Along with my husband, my daughter and I we will be traveling with my parents. In the past traveling with them is always fun. They do spur of the moment things and are always up for an adventure. They also have, how do I say this tactfully, more funds than we do. They also like to share. That means we will be staying in really cool places, like the Grand Hotel on Mackinac Island.
What I am looking forward to most is not swanky hotels and nice meals out. Nope, not really. I am mostly looking forward to being out in the middle of nowhere. The city gets to me after awhile and I need to see other things besides buildings, concrete, cars and people. I want to be surrounded by trees, water and rocks. That's what I want to see. I look forward to hiking, shopping in quaint little shops in small town and to showing my daughter some new sights. I have never been to the UP myself (the Upper Peninsula) and I am eager to see the area I have heard so much about.
What I am looking forward to most is not swanky hotels and nice meals out. Nope, not really. I am mostly looking forward to being out in the middle of nowhere. The city gets to me after awhile and I need to see other things besides buildings, concrete, cars and people. I want to be surrounded by trees, water and rocks. That's what I want to see. I look forward to hiking, shopping in quaint little shops in small town and to showing my daughter some new sights. I have never been to the UP myself (the Upper Peninsula) and I am eager to see the area I have heard so much about.
Friday, September 9, 2011
5 years...
Five years a ago today I stood beneath a big tree with my beloved as these words were read. These words have deep, DEEP meaning for us. The meant a lot then and they mean a lot now. For me David Fessehazion and this life we are carving out for ourselves embodies this verse. We truly waited on the Lord to bring us together. I had no idea all those years spent praying and waiting that I was waiting for him. I never imagined my dreams and desires could be captured so wonderfully in one man. I am truly better because of him. He said it best when he said "Your strengths cover my weaknesses, and my strengths cover yours".
Life has not always been wonderful in the past 5 years, no sirree. We have had many sorrows, heartaches, setbacks and we've even had times when we honestly weren't sure we had what it was going to take to make it for the long haul. Thankfully, we choose each day to love one another and to put in the work a life together requires.
A few days after we became engaged we went to Haiku with our dear friends Mark and Amy Palmer. That night over sushi and pad thai we asked Mark to officiate our wedding. He told us that he would be honored to do so and he said that during our homily he would incorporate a few verses from Psalm 27, because they reminded him of us. Not exactly being a Bible scholar I asked what those verses said. He told me and then he looked at us and said "You guys remind me that I have seen the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living". Mark was less than 4 weeks from dying from stage 4 colon cancer. I can't recall anyone ever saying anything to me that made me feel the way that statement did.
My David has allowed me to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living in ways I can't express fully to anyone. I am very much in love with my husband, and that feels amazing.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Goodbye, Momma. Hello, Mommy.
Well, it's happened. Emaline is now calling me (mostly) mommy. One one hand I love it. She says it so sweetly and it's something she's come up with. I usually call myself Momma when speaking to her about me. She just wants to call me Mommy. Sweet girl. With that, I just heard her waking. I love her. I love her even more than Christmas.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
My little girl will be two next month. Hard to believe. I always enjoy her, but lately there has been an extra sweetness to our time together (which is all day everyday). The thing is, her time as my only child is limited. Her brother or sister will be here before we know it and that is really going to change things. Sunday night after a particularly precious bedtime routine I sat down and thought about how much it was about to change and before I knew it I had tears rolling down my cheeks. Don't get me wrong, this is a very wanted pregnancy! It was planned and prayed for and we are elated. It's just that Emaline will not be able to be the only focus of the majority of my time and energy come March. My love for her is fierce. It has taken hold of me with such power that I sometimes find it shocking. It is the love of a mother for her child. It absolutely blows my mind that I will feel this for another human being. It seems inconceivable, even impossible. Yet, I know it's true. This little one growing inside me will steal my heart forever, just like Big Sister did. This baby is a gift to us all. More to come on that later...
Nearly every night I sneak into my girls room and scoop her into my arms for snuggles. I rock her and hold her and pray for her while she quietly dreams. I won't always be able to do this. One day she'll be too big for me to hold and instead I will hold the memories of these days close in my heart. The days where it was just she and I sitting by a pond feeding ducks and her being content just to sit in my lap and let me stroke her hair. The days when my kisses cure everything. The days when it's just she and I in the house when she says to me "I mama's girl" or "I luh you, mama" for no reason at all except that she loves me. This is a special, miraculous time and I have a feeling that these are some of my best days. Not everyday is rainbows and flowers. It's easy to take the good times for granted when I'm sick, she's cranky and we both need a nap. Life is forever changing and is not promised to us and I am doing my best to savor this sweet times. It is, she is, slipping through my fingers.
Nearly every night I sneak into my girls room and scoop her into my arms for snuggles. I rock her and hold her and pray for her while she quietly dreams. I won't always be able to do this. One day she'll be too big for me to hold and instead I will hold the memories of these days close in my heart. The days where it was just she and I sitting by a pond feeding ducks and her being content just to sit in my lap and let me stroke her hair. The days when my kisses cure everything. The days when it's just she and I in the house when she says to me "I mama's girl" or "I luh you, mama" for no reason at all except that she loves me. This is a special, miraculous time and I have a feeling that these are some of my best days. Not everyday is rainbows and flowers. It's easy to take the good times for granted when I'm sick, she's cranky and we both need a nap. Life is forever changing and is not promised to us and I am doing my best to savor this sweet times. It is, she is, slipping through my fingers.
Monday, August 1, 2011
I'm KNOCKED UP!
I am pregnant. With child. Expecting. This fact makes me feel, in a word, elated. I am a mother of two. Emaline will be a sister. It's all just so exciting!
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Vacation!
In just a few hours I will board a jet with my beloved and fly on down to the beach on Sanibel Island! I can't wait! Well, sorta...
You see, Emaline is NOT coming. This is part of the reason I'm excited. It's also the reason that I have had a quivering lip for the past 24 hours. I am in turmoil about leaving her. Yes, turmoil is a great word to describe what I feel about leaving my daughter for 5 days.
On one hand...I can't wait. I need this. It's been an eventful two years to say the least. Pregnancy, parenthood, weight loss, and grad school have all been on my plate and so much has changed. So much in fact that there was actually a day when I went to write my name and I drew a blank. Literally. I feel so different (between becoming a mother and not being fat anymore) that it felt strange that I could still be called Amanda T. Fessehazion. Weird. I need to do nothing for a while. I need to sit and just let my mind go. I need to eat hot food. I need to sleep until I'm ready to wake up. I need to spend time with my husband, to connect with him separate from the rigors of parenthood. I need to just be still and not worry about working out, weighing in and counting points. I look forward to sitting in a hot tub with a glass of wine and just being me, Amanda T. Fessehazion. She is different, but I like her now more than ever.
On the other hand...I will ache for my daughter. She has become my world. Not just her, but this family I have made for myself has become my world. I will miss waking up to the sound of her playing. I will miss reading her books. I will miss watching her play. I will miss the snuggles, hugs, kisses and loves that she so generously gives me. I will miss the sounds of her eating and drinking and sleeping. I will miss getting her dressed each morning and putting on her shoes and fixing her hair. I will miss her smells. I fear that when I get home she's not going to like me as much as she likes her Nanny and Pawpaw. I fear that she's going to come back addicted to sugar and totally off her sleep schedule. I fear that I am going to regret having left and wishing I hadn't let these 5 days go by without her in them.
Alas, I will go. These words from the great Henri J.M. Nouwen spoke to me this week as I have been praying about leaving my sweet E.
" When you love someone or miss someone, you experience and inner pain. Bit by bit you have to discover the nature of this pain. When your deepest self is connected with the deepest self of another, that person's absence may be painful, but it will lead you to a profound communion with the person, because loving each other is loving in God. When the place where God dwells in you is intimately connected with the place where God dwells in the other, the absence of the other person is not destructive. On the contrary, it will challenge you to enter more deeply into communion with God, the source of all unity and communion among people."
Therefore I know when I get home, she will still love her momma! She will also find that her mommy is more patient, relaxed and energized than before, making her a better momma. God gave me this sweet gift in my daughter. I want to be the very best I can be for her and I think this little retreat will help me be that for her.
I know all of this has probably sounded dramatic. When I knew I was expecting Emaline I never dreamed I was capable of this much love. This week will be tough, but wonderful. Here I go...
You see, Emaline is NOT coming. This is part of the reason I'm excited. It's also the reason that I have had a quivering lip for the past 24 hours. I am in turmoil about leaving her. Yes, turmoil is a great word to describe what I feel about leaving my daughter for 5 days.
On one hand...I can't wait. I need this. It's been an eventful two years to say the least. Pregnancy, parenthood, weight loss, and grad school have all been on my plate and so much has changed. So much in fact that there was actually a day when I went to write my name and I drew a blank. Literally. I feel so different (between becoming a mother and not being fat anymore) that it felt strange that I could still be called Amanda T. Fessehazion. Weird. I need to do nothing for a while. I need to sit and just let my mind go. I need to eat hot food. I need to sleep until I'm ready to wake up. I need to spend time with my husband, to connect with him separate from the rigors of parenthood. I need to just be still and not worry about working out, weighing in and counting points. I look forward to sitting in a hot tub with a glass of wine and just being me, Amanda T. Fessehazion. She is different, but I like her now more than ever.
On the other hand...I will ache for my daughter. She has become my world. Not just her, but this family I have made for myself has become my world. I will miss waking up to the sound of her playing. I will miss reading her books. I will miss watching her play. I will miss the snuggles, hugs, kisses and loves that she so generously gives me. I will miss the sounds of her eating and drinking and sleeping. I will miss getting her dressed each morning and putting on her shoes and fixing her hair. I will miss her smells. I fear that when I get home she's not going to like me as much as she likes her Nanny and Pawpaw. I fear that she's going to come back addicted to sugar and totally off her sleep schedule. I fear that I am going to regret having left and wishing I hadn't let these 5 days go by without her in them.
Alas, I will go. These words from the great Henri J.M. Nouwen spoke to me this week as I have been praying about leaving my sweet E.
" When you love someone or miss someone, you experience and inner pain. Bit by bit you have to discover the nature of this pain. When your deepest self is connected with the deepest self of another, that person's absence may be painful, but it will lead you to a profound communion with the person, because loving each other is loving in God. When the place where God dwells in you is intimately connected with the place where God dwells in the other, the absence of the other person is not destructive. On the contrary, it will challenge you to enter more deeply into communion with God, the source of all unity and communion among people."
Therefore I know when I get home, she will still love her momma! She will also find that her mommy is more patient, relaxed and energized than before, making her a better momma. God gave me this sweet gift in my daughter. I want to be the very best I can be for her and I think this little retreat will help me be that for her.
I know all of this has probably sounded dramatic. When I knew I was expecting Emaline I never dreamed I was capable of this much love. This week will be tough, but wonderful. Here I go...
Saturday, May 21, 2011
P is for Peanut butter, Pregnancy and Porches...
I am fairly certain if I could only eat one thing for the rest of my life, peanut butter might be it. I love the stuff. Alas, I can't even have it in my house. Why? Allergies? Nope, I will eat it. By the spoonful. All. Day. Long.
I have said before that I am becoming a somewhat birth and pregnancy obsessed weirdo. It seems like I can't get my hands on enough information about the topic. When I was actually pregnant with Emaline Joy I wasn't even this interested. Maybe I have too much time on my hands. Or maybe, just maybe, this stuff is a big deal to a 20-something woman. Hmmm...
When I was a child I always dreamed of having a front porch. I wanted a big one that wrapped around the whole house. I wanted a swing and rocking chairs and a jug of sun tea and a big dog laying there in the sun. Basically I wanted a country time lemonade commercial. Well, now we have one. I do love it but I don't sit out there as much as I anticipated I would. My very favorite time to be out there is during a rain storm, which we have had a lot of this spring in central Ohio. It is thrilling to me to be out when most everyone else is running for cover. A goal I have for this summer is to spend more time out on my front porch. Not such a demanding goal!
I have said before that I am becoming a somewhat birth and pregnancy obsessed weirdo. It seems like I can't get my hands on enough information about the topic. When I was actually pregnant with Emaline Joy I wasn't even this interested. Maybe I have too much time on my hands. Or maybe, just maybe, this stuff is a big deal to a 20-something woman. Hmmm...
When I was a child I always dreamed of having a front porch. I wanted a big one that wrapped around the whole house. I wanted a swing and rocking chairs and a jug of sun tea and a big dog laying there in the sun. Basically I wanted a country time lemonade commercial. Well, now we have one. I do love it but I don't sit out there as much as I anticipated I would. My very favorite time to be out there is during a rain storm, which we have had a lot of this spring in central Ohio. It is thrilling to me to be out when most everyone else is running for cover. A goal I have for this summer is to spend more time out on my front porch. Not such a demanding goal!
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
O is for Octagon, Oranges, and Olive Garden...
The word octagon is fun to say. Try it.
How is it that I absolutely love a fresh orange, but orange juice gives me terrible heartburn to the point that I can't even drink it? Weird. I sometimes forget (or just ignore) the fact that a glass of OJ makes me feel like I just ate a 4 alarm hot pepper and then I pay the price. Awful.
Here in Columbus there are a TON of wonderful, unique, and tasty restaurants. There isn't a whole lot to do here in central Ohio, especially in the winter months, and we buckeyes like to eat! David and I prefer to go to a local non-chain place to get our grub on, but once in awhile I crave the Olive Garden! There are some fantastic Italian restaurants in Columbus like Spagio, Trattoria Roma, and Giuseppe's. I love these places. Yet sometimes I want some salad, unlimited bread sticks and a bowl of capellini pomodoro! Since we're talking O's and chain restaurants, I also love the Outback steakhouse. There is something to be said for being able to go a restaurant at home or on the road and be able to order what you know and love.
How is it that I absolutely love a fresh orange, but orange juice gives me terrible heartburn to the point that I can't even drink it? Weird. I sometimes forget (or just ignore) the fact that a glass of OJ makes me feel like I just ate a 4 alarm hot pepper and then I pay the price. Awful.
Here in Columbus there are a TON of wonderful, unique, and tasty restaurants. There isn't a whole lot to do here in central Ohio, especially in the winter months, and we buckeyes like to eat! David and I prefer to go to a local non-chain place to get our grub on, but once in awhile I crave the Olive Garden! There are some fantastic Italian restaurants in Columbus like Spagio, Trattoria Roma, and Giuseppe's. I love these places. Yet sometimes I want some salad, unlimited bread sticks and a bowl of capellini pomodoro! Since we're talking O's and chain restaurants, I also love the Outback steakhouse. There is something to be said for being able to go a restaurant at home or on the road and be able to order what you know and love.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
N AND O...
N is for Northstar Cafe, Needles, and (The) Netherlands...
I am in love with Northstar Cafe. The first time I went I thought it was pretentious and overpriced. Those things might be slightly true. I've heard people "name drop" Northstar before! Funny. However, the food speaks for itself. If you have not been there, GO. My favorite menu items are: the cloud 9 pancakes, chopped salad with rosemary foccacia, and the delectable Northstar burger ( a veggie burger), ham and cheese scones, and the dark chocolate truffle cookie. Oh. My. Word.
I'm not really afraid of needles. I'm actually more afraid of the blood pressure cuff.
My husband is half Dutch and half Eritrean. That makes for a beautiful combo in my humble opinion. In December of 2006 (just 3 months after our wedding) we traveled to the Netherlands for a small family reception hosted by my new aunt and uncle in-laws. It was a fabulous party! The whole trip was a whirlwind, but so fantastic. David and I plan to go back soon, and often. Well, we'd like to anyway. His family is a highlight of the trip. Their hospitality toward us was so warm and yet not intrusive. My favorite things about the country are:the windmills (molen), the architecture, the cheese, pancakes, and pofridges, the beaches, and the Anne Frank house.
I am in love with Northstar Cafe. The first time I went I thought it was pretentious and overpriced. Those things might be slightly true. I've heard people "name drop" Northstar before! Funny. However, the food speaks for itself. If you have not been there, GO. My favorite menu items are: the cloud 9 pancakes, chopped salad with rosemary foccacia, and the delectable Northstar burger ( a veggie burger), ham and cheese scones, and the dark chocolate truffle cookie. Oh. My. Word.
I'm not really afraid of needles. I'm actually more afraid of the blood pressure cuff.
My husband is half Dutch and half Eritrean. That makes for a beautiful combo in my humble opinion. In December of 2006 (just 3 months after our wedding) we traveled to the Netherlands for a small family reception hosted by my new aunt and uncle in-laws. It was a fabulous party! The whole trip was a whirlwind, but so fantastic. David and I plan to go back soon, and often. Well, we'd like to anyway. His family is a highlight of the trip. Their hospitality toward us was so warm and yet not intrusive. My favorite things about the country are:the windmills (molen), the architecture, the cheese, pancakes, and pofridges, the beaches, and the Anne Frank house.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
M is for Mandy, Me, and Myself...
Silly. I just don't have a lot to say but didn't want to miss my daily blog. I'm sleepy. More tomorrow. Onto N...
Saturday, April 30, 2011
L is for Lemon, Lakes and Love...
I love most things involving a lemon. I enjoy cooking with them, drinking water with one and love lemon flavored candy: read Starburst's. Mmmmm...
My family has had a place on lake St. Mary's for about 14 years now. We also have always had a family cabin not far from Lake Cumberland in Somerset, KY. I love my time out on the boat. There is nothing more carefree than floating on a lake drinking something cold and listening to some tunes. To me that scenario just says: "Summer is here! RELAX".
Love is in the air today! I am headed to Granville, OH to witness my two dear friends, Aric and Amber, become husband and wife. For most couples the time spent dating and being engaged is one full of much joy and fun. They have had their fair share of that for sure. They have also gone through more pain and tragedy than the average betrothed couple. Life has no guarantees and I don't know what the future will hold for them. I am fairly certain though that what they went through has glued them together in a way that is truly forever. It's an honor and a blessing to be part of a wedding where I feel such utter joy because these two are together. I will be smiling from ear to ear and there is not a doubt in my mind that these two are better together. How refreshing is that? May God richly bless them as they step out onto this new journey.
My family has had a place on lake St. Mary's for about 14 years now. We also have always had a family cabin not far from Lake Cumberland in Somerset, KY. I love my time out on the boat. There is nothing more carefree than floating on a lake drinking something cold and listening to some tunes. To me that scenario just says: "Summer is here! RELAX".
Love is in the air today! I am headed to Granville, OH to witness my two dear friends, Aric and Amber, become husband and wife. For most couples the time spent dating and being engaged is one full of much joy and fun. They have had their fair share of that for sure. They have also gone through more pain and tragedy than the average betrothed couple. Life has no guarantees and I don't know what the future will hold for them. I am fairly certain though that what they went through has glued them together in a way that is truly forever. It's an honor and a blessing to be part of a wedding where I feel such utter joy because these two are together. I will be smiling from ear to ear and there is not a doubt in my mind that these two are better together. How refreshing is that? May God richly bless them as they step out onto this new journey.
Friday, April 29, 2011
K is for Krispy Kreme,Kissing and Kate (Windsor, nee Middleton)
Krispy Kreme donuts are excellent. I really enjoy a hot, soft, delicious glazed creme filled donut. That being said, they do not hold a candle to the deliciosity of a donut from Jim's Donut's in the thriving metropolis of Vandalia, Ohio. I am most definitely biased.
Kissing is wonderful isn't it? My 3 favorite people to kiss or be kissed by? Two are no brainers, while one may be surprising...
1.) My husband, David. I don't really get tired of kissing that guy.
2.) Emaline Joy. The sweetest, purest, tenderest kisses I have ever known.
3.) A gentleman who used to be a client of mine who is now a good, good friend. I can't write his name but I can give you his initials: BLC. Each day he would greet me by saying something like "Well hello there my itty-bitty, teeny-tiny, squishy baby pumpkin" and then kiss me on the cheek gor a solid 20 seconds as I wiggled and giggles, grinning from ear to ear. The man smells like he just came out of a warm dryer. So fresh and so clean and SO sweet. He made work fun. I miss his face.
I was one of "those" people who woke up at the crack of dawn to watch the Royal Wedding. I dig that sort of thing. I love the pomp and circumstance, the gorgeous clothes, the fact that in 50 years I will see this on some flashback show and think about this morning. I watched Diana and Charles wed 30 years ago at the breast of my mother as I was not even 24 hours old. My mom tells the story of how it was just she and I in the hospital and I had stirred for a feeding just in time to watch Diana get out of the car. She recalls the moment with fondness and so now when I see pictures from that day nearly 30 years ago I feel all warm inside. This morning was not nearly as special, but I tried. I got up and made myself some tea and sat there in the dark (with a hat on...a Red's cap!) This I will remember. A stolen hour out of a busy day of mothering to indulge in fussy frivolity...wearing one of my "dresses" and a ball cap.
As for the wedding. It was beautiful, albeit a bit of a snooze fest at some points. I LOVED her down. So classy and modern all at once. I was a bit disappointed in the lack of drama from the train, (although Diana's 25-foot train was ludicrous). I was also reminded that I love chamber music. A lot. The whole affair was prim and proper, very demure and like a great peice of eye candy to me. I know it's silly and that all that money could have been better spent though and that dampened my mood. Just thinking about how much it all cost made me feel...not sure how it made me feel. Alas, I enjoyed my morning and I made a memory for certain.
Kissing is wonderful isn't it? My 3 favorite people to kiss or be kissed by? Two are no brainers, while one may be surprising...
1.) My husband, David. I don't really get tired of kissing that guy.
2.) Emaline Joy. The sweetest, purest, tenderest kisses I have ever known.
3.) A gentleman who used to be a client of mine who is now a good, good friend. I can't write his name but I can give you his initials: BLC. Each day he would greet me by saying something like "Well hello there my itty-bitty, teeny-tiny, squishy baby pumpkin" and then kiss me on the cheek gor a solid 20 seconds as I wiggled and giggles, grinning from ear to ear. The man smells like he just came out of a warm dryer. So fresh and so clean and SO sweet. He made work fun. I miss his face.
I was one of "those" people who woke up at the crack of dawn to watch the Royal Wedding. I dig that sort of thing. I love the pomp and circumstance, the gorgeous clothes, the fact that in 50 years I will see this on some flashback show and think about this morning. I watched Diana and Charles wed 30 years ago at the breast of my mother as I was not even 24 hours old. My mom tells the story of how it was just she and I in the hospital and I had stirred for a feeding just in time to watch Diana get out of the car. She recalls the moment with fondness and so now when I see pictures from that day nearly 30 years ago I feel all warm inside. This morning was not nearly as special, but I tried. I got up and made myself some tea and sat there in the dark (with a hat on...a Red's cap!) This I will remember. A stolen hour out of a busy day of mothering to indulge in fussy frivolity...wearing one of my "dresses" and a ball cap.
As for the wedding. It was beautiful, albeit a bit of a snooze fest at some points. I LOVED her down. So classy and modern all at once. I was a bit disappointed in the lack of drama from the train, (although Diana's 25-foot train was ludicrous). I was also reminded that I love chamber music. A lot. The whole affair was prim and proper, very demure and like a great peice of eye candy to me. I know it's silly and that all that money could have been better spent though and that dampened my mood. Just thinking about how much it all cost made me feel...not sure how it made me feel. Alas, I enjoyed my morning and I made a memory for certain.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
J is for Jeans, Juxtaposition and J-term...
I hate jeans. There, I said it. Maybe that's not so true now, but it has usually been true in my life. When people talk about wanting to get comfortable by putting on their blue jeans I think to myself "Man, they most lead much more important lives than i do to wear such uncomfortable clothes that jeans feel good." When I want to be comfortable it's sweat all the way! My disdain for jeans is threefold. 1.) It's hard to find a good comfortable fit that are also flattering. 2.) Having been overweight for most of my life I found them to be binding and sort of miserable. 3.) I prefer dresses and skirts. I was born in the wrong time period I suppose.
I think one of my most favorite words in the English language is juxtaposition. I like the way it looks and sounds. Sort of bad ass, no?
When I was a freshman at MVNC in 2000 I experienced my first January term, otherwise known as J-term. It was MISERABLE. Cold, dreary and lonely feeling. I took a basic Psychology class that did not take much time. I was left the rest if the dark days to my own devices. Those devices usually involved eating sweets, watching movies, eating chips, trips to Kenyon, eating ice cream, visiting with friends, and eating at Hunan Garden. I vowed after that first J-term that I would get out of dodge for J-term for every other year of college. I made good on that promise and went to Italy in 2001 and Washington D.C. in 2002. Both radically different and life changing trips for me. In 2003 I stayed back at MVNU because I ahd just returned from a 4 month semester in Romania. I'm glad I was home because I lost a good friend that January and my best friend lost her mother. It was a SHITTY month, to say the least. That year that same best friend, Kelli, and I decided to dub the month of January "Helluary" because, well, January sucks. I still dislike the month in general and I feel like bad stuff usually happens during that month. Someday I will get over it.
I think one of my most favorite words in the English language is juxtaposition. I like the way it looks and sounds. Sort of bad ass, no?
When I was a freshman at MVNC in 2000 I experienced my first January term, otherwise known as J-term. It was MISERABLE. Cold, dreary and lonely feeling. I took a basic Psychology class that did not take much time. I was left the rest if the dark days to my own devices. Those devices usually involved eating sweets, watching movies, eating chips, trips to Kenyon, eating ice cream, visiting with friends, and eating at Hunan Garden. I vowed after that first J-term that I would get out of dodge for J-term for every other year of college. I made good on that promise and went to Italy in 2001 and Washington D.C. in 2002. Both radically different and life changing trips for me. In 2003 I stayed back at MVNU because I ahd just returned from a 4 month semester in Romania. I'm glad I was home because I lost a good friend that January and my best friend lost her mother. It was a SHITTY month, to say the least. That year that same best friend, Kelli, and I decided to dub the month of January "Helluary" because, well, January sucks. I still dislike the month in general and I feel like bad stuff usually happens during that month. Someday I will get over it.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
I is for Igloo, Icee and Idaho...
I have always wanted to make an igloo. I would settle for going inside one though. During college at MVNU some guys made one but I didn't go in. I wonder why I didn't???
One of my very favorite frozen treats is a cherry Icee. I love the flavor, the texture and how refreshing it is. I DO NOT love the sugar, artificial color and flavor or calories though.
When I was 21 I traveled to Boise, Idaho to visit some old friends that lived out in Nampa, Idaho. To be honest, I wasn't expecting much from the potato state. Man oh man, was I blown out of the water! It was beautiful! There was so much to do. I thoroughly enjoyed wandering through the quaint little neighborhoods with nice shops and bookstores and coffee houses. Boise had such a neat art scene too! Loads of art galleries and museums to look at. The views around the city were breathtaking with snow capped peaks surrounding us. Someday I'd love to go back with my little family.
One of my very favorite frozen treats is a cherry Icee. I love the flavor, the texture and how refreshing it is. I DO NOT love the sugar, artificial color and flavor or calories though.
When I was 21 I traveled to Boise, Idaho to visit some old friends that lived out in Nampa, Idaho. To be honest, I wasn't expecting much from the potato state. Man oh man, was I blown out of the water! It was beautiful! There was so much to do. I thoroughly enjoyed wandering through the quaint little neighborhoods with nice shops and bookstores and coffee houses. Boise had such a neat art scene too! Loads of art galleries and museums to look at. The views around the city were breathtaking with snow capped peaks surrounding us. Someday I'd love to go back with my little family.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
H is for Hair, Hot air balloons, and Holocaust
I like my hair. I am really striving to be positive about my body. I have an impressionable young lady in my presence and I want her to hear her mama say good things about herself because I want EJ to think positively in herself too. So, my hair is nice. That's a start!
I have a love for hot air balloons. When I was a kid I lived a few miles from the Dayton airport and each year they had an air show, complete with a hot air balloon launch. My dad would get us up early and get us donuts and chocolate milk and we would chase a balloon or two until they landed. It felt magical. They are so vibrant and graceful as they float gently in the sky. I even got to go up in one when I was 10 and it was such a rush. Someday I'd like to do that again.
Lately I have been reading a lot about the Holocaust. I'm not sure what brought that on. I have always been fascinated at the fact that a mere 65 or so years ago 11 million people were murdered....and the world did nothing. I have always heard survivors and Jewish people talk about how we must never forget, but keep the memory alive. I guess I try and do that by reading and studying about those that survived it. One thing that I had never thought of before was who was killed. Not just names or even faces, but what would those men, women and children have become had they been given their right to live. Would AIDS have a cure? Would I be rocking out to a song by a European Jewish descendant? How many works of art would be showcased in a museum? Were there any great designers, architects, poets, writers, philosophers? The answer is yes, there were. Our world will never be the same and we can't even fathom all the beautiful things we are missing out on. I want to remember what should be.
I have a love for hot air balloons. When I was a kid I lived a few miles from the Dayton airport and each year they had an air show, complete with a hot air balloon launch. My dad would get us up early and get us donuts and chocolate milk and we would chase a balloon or two until they landed. It felt magical. They are so vibrant and graceful as they float gently in the sky. I even got to go up in one when I was 10 and it was such a rush. Someday I'd like to do that again.
Lately I have been reading a lot about the Holocaust. I'm not sure what brought that on. I have always been fascinated at the fact that a mere 65 or so years ago 11 million people were murdered....and the world did nothing. I have always heard survivors and Jewish people talk about how we must never forget, but keep the memory alive. I guess I try and do that by reading and studying about those that survived it. One thing that I had never thought of before was who was killed. Not just names or even faces, but what would those men, women and children have become had they been given their right to live. Would AIDS have a cure? Would I be rocking out to a song by a European Jewish descendant? How many works of art would be showcased in a museum? Were there any great designers, architects, poets, writers, philosophers? The answer is yes, there were. Our world will never be the same and we can't even fathom all the beautiful things we are missing out on. I want to remember what should be.
Monday, April 25, 2011
G is for Gas, Groceries and Gone with the Wind...
It's not a secret that gas prices are through the roof. When I think back on my high school days when I was just learning to drive I can remember gas costing a mere $0.99 a gallon! I feel like and old lady when I say this, but it's true! Just Saturday I pain $3.76 a gallon! Ludicrous! My dad owns a few car dealerships and this has hit him kinda hard. He said that when it hits $4.00 a gallon that's when people will really start getting mad and stop driving. Maybe that's a good thing? I don't know...
I love to go grocery shopping. Let me rephrase that: I love to go grocery shopping without my daughter. I enjoy the process of meal planning, making a list and then going out to get what I need. I find it sort of thrilling. What a nerd! I anticipate when Em and I will take walks to the Pearl Alley farmer's market in just a few short months to do some of our shopping there. Only another month or so! Yay!
My favorite movie is Gone with the Wind. I'm not sure why, it just is. Maybe it's because it is so dramatic. Maybe it's because it was so cutting edge when it was made in 1939. Maybe it's because I have a lot of family who live in south Georgia and you can still see the effects of the cicil war there some 150 years later. I think what I love the most are the characters. Some memorable characters have come out of this epic film and I get lost in them whenever I watch the movie. It's nearly 3.5 hours long and is quite a commitment to watch but I try and manage to do so once a year. It's a tradition and doing so make me feel all warm and fuzzy.
I love to go grocery shopping. Let me rephrase that: I love to go grocery shopping without my daughter. I enjoy the process of meal planning, making a list and then going out to get what I need. I find it sort of thrilling. What a nerd! I anticipate when Em and I will take walks to the Pearl Alley farmer's market in just a few short months to do some of our shopping there. Only another month or so! Yay!
My favorite movie is Gone with the Wind. I'm not sure why, it just is. Maybe it's because it is so dramatic. Maybe it's because it was so cutting edge when it was made in 1939. Maybe it's because I have a lot of family who live in south Georgia and you can still see the effects of the cicil war there some 150 years later. I think what I love the most are the characters. Some memorable characters have come out of this epic film and I get lost in them whenever I watch the movie. It's nearly 3.5 hours long and is quite a commitment to watch but I try and manage to do so once a year. It's a tradition and doing so make me feel all warm and fuzzy.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
F is for Freckles, Feet and Freedom...
I think freckles are beautiful.
I think I have kinda cute feet as far as feet go. I also think David has nice (aslbeit LONG) feet. It goes without saying that EJ's feet are perfection. I look forward to the day when we can all wear sandals and expose our rockin feet.
Today is Easter and I feel the need to write about the fact that because He lives I am FREE! I hope to someday understand the magnitude of that but I bet I won't grasp it until I see Jesus' face. I want to live like I'm free...
I think I have kinda cute feet as far as feet go. I also think David has nice (aslbeit LONG) feet. It goes without saying that EJ's feet are perfection. I look forward to the day when we can all wear sandals and expose our rockin feet.
Today is Easter and I feel the need to write about the fact that because He lives I am FREE! I hope to someday understand the magnitude of that but I bet I won't grasp it until I see Jesus' face. I want to live like I'm free...
Saturday, April 23, 2011
E is for Elephants, Easter and Emaline...
In 2002 I had one of the greatest priviliges of my life thus far, I traveled to Kenya, Africa on a mission trip. One the last 2 days of our trip our group got to go on a real-life safari! It was nothing short of stunning. We were riding in a land rover through the wilds looking for animals big and small. We drove into a large open area with few trees and we spotted what looked like hundred's of elephants. They were so breathtakingly beautiful and HUGE and I must have taken 30 pictures of them. Every since then I have sort of had a thing for elephants.
Easter is tomorrow and this year I am really anxiously anticipating celebrating the risen Lord. David and I participated in the stations of the cross at the Village Vineyard Thursday evening. It was powerful, profound, painful and surprisingly peaceful. ( A whole lotta P's to describe the event...) Our dear friends Aaron and Kristina usually put the effort together with a few others and it is now a wonderful Easter tradition in our family. Last night while driving home I turned to David and asked "Can you believe Jesus died for us? That He loves us that much." David replied "It's crazy, isn't it?" It is. I greatly look forward to the celebration tomorrow.
Emaline is now 19 months old and here are a few things I want to remember:
-She is totally enthralled with the plastic alphabet letters that are magnetized and go on the fridge. She has even learned the letter "I" and walks around with the "I" saying it over and over again and points out that letter in words. Genius!
-She is NOT FUN at the table these days. She is suddenly picky. She still eats a variety of things but I never know from one day to the next what she's going to want to eat. Yesterday she wouldn't eat peas, today she will probably love them. I don't get it. She is also SUPER messy because she refuses to eat unless she has her utensils...which is great but messy since she doesn't have a lot of control yet.
-She is taking baby gymnastics and LOVES it! Her favorite part is the trampoline!
-Her coloring is her daddy's, but the rest of her is just like Mama. Our baby pictures are so similar.
-She calls my dad "PawPaw", Betty "NaNaNa", David's mom "Oma", and my mom "Mimi".
-She is obsessed with Silas and calls him "Si". They are adprable together and Elisha and I took them to get their pictures taken Thursday. Precious!
-We got a swing set in our backyard for Em and she loves it. She can climb up all by herself and go down the slide. She calls the whole thing "WEE".
-Her 18 month check-up was last week and she weighs 21lbs. 15 oz and is 31.5 inches long. The doctor said Emaline is right on target developmentally except with her gross motor skills. In that area she's ahead of the curve. Baby girl can walk up and down stairs, climb up anything, runs, and she can manuever herself on unsteady surfaces. She gives her mama a heart attack by the hour.
-She is so full of JOY and we are in love...
Easter is tomorrow and this year I am really anxiously anticipating celebrating the risen Lord. David and I participated in the stations of the cross at the Village Vineyard Thursday evening. It was powerful, profound, painful and surprisingly peaceful. ( A whole lotta P's to describe the event...) Our dear friends Aaron and Kristina usually put the effort together with a few others and it is now a wonderful Easter tradition in our family. Last night while driving home I turned to David and asked "Can you believe Jesus died for us? That He loves us that much." David replied "It's crazy, isn't it?" It is. I greatly look forward to the celebration tomorrow.
Emaline is now 19 months old and here are a few things I want to remember:
-She is totally enthralled with the plastic alphabet letters that are magnetized and go on the fridge. She has even learned the letter "I" and walks around with the "I" saying it over and over again and points out that letter in words. Genius!
-She is NOT FUN at the table these days. She is suddenly picky. She still eats a variety of things but I never know from one day to the next what she's going to want to eat. Yesterday she wouldn't eat peas, today she will probably love them. I don't get it. She is also SUPER messy because she refuses to eat unless she has her utensils...which is great but messy since she doesn't have a lot of control yet.
-She is taking baby gymnastics and LOVES it! Her favorite part is the trampoline!
-Her coloring is her daddy's, but the rest of her is just like Mama. Our baby pictures are so similar.
-She calls my dad "PawPaw", Betty "NaNaNa", David's mom "Oma", and my mom "Mimi".
-She is obsessed with Silas and calls him "Si". They are adprable together and Elisha and I took them to get their pictures taken Thursday. Precious!
-We got a swing set in our backyard for Em and she loves it. She can climb up all by herself and go down the slide. She calls the whole thing "WEE".
-Her 18 month check-up was last week and she weighs 21lbs. 15 oz and is 31.5 inches long. The doctor said Emaline is right on target developmentally except with her gross motor skills. In that area she's ahead of the curve. Baby girl can walk up and down stairs, climb up anything, runs, and she can manuever herself on unsteady surfaces. She gives her mama a heart attack by the hour.
-She is so full of JOY and we are in love...
Friday, April 22, 2011
D is for Doors, Dolphins and David
We got a new front door as a Christmas gift from my parents, and we love it. It really changed the look of the front of our home for the better!
Dolphins are probably my favorite animal. I think they are beautiful and I hear they're quite smart. When I was about 8 my family took a trip out on a dolphin cruise in Florida and it was stellar! When I saw those dolphins chasing our boat I got so worked up with excitement that I could hardly contain myself. When I see one now I get that same rush of excitement and I feel like that 8 year old girl all over again.
David. I'm in love. In about 3 weeks my man will be turning 29 so in honor of that occasion here are 29 reasons I'm so in love.
1.) We are a good team.
2.) He works so hard for our family.
3.) He has beautiful hands and forearms.
4.) Emaline lights up when he's around. What an amazing Daddy she has.
5.) He loves my family...dysfunction and all.
6.) He thought I was beautiful when I felt invisible.
7.) His servant heart.
8.) A liar he is not!
9.) The way he takes care of our home.
10.) He let's me sleep in every once in awhile.
11.) He takes care of his mother.
12.) He loves the Lord.
13.) He supportive of me.
14.) His family comes first.
15.) He is strong.
16.) He calms me down and balances me out.
17.) His easygoing nature.
18.) The way he thoughtfully considers his options.
19.) He is good at finding a deal.
20.) He loves a good adventure!
21.) The way he holds fast to both his Dutch and Eritrean culture.
22.) The way he is bringing Emaline into the fold of those cultures.
23.) He loves to travel...even if it's only to Dayton for the weekend.
24.) He likes getting together with MVNU alumni almost as much as I do.
25.) He pushes me when I need it and he backs off when I need it.
26.) He speaks softly and kindly.
27.) He loves my clients and they love him back.
28.) He's not afraid to cry.
29.) I just have to say it...he's great in the sack. :)
I HAD to be a little inappropriate! It's Fez I'm describing! Seriously though, I could go on (and on, and on...) about all the ways in which I feel blessed by the man I married. He is a treasure and I just know that in 50 years I'll feel equally as blessed.
Dolphins are probably my favorite animal. I think they are beautiful and I hear they're quite smart. When I was about 8 my family took a trip out on a dolphin cruise in Florida and it was stellar! When I saw those dolphins chasing our boat I got so worked up with excitement that I could hardly contain myself. When I see one now I get that same rush of excitement and I feel like that 8 year old girl all over again.
David. I'm in love. In about 3 weeks my man will be turning 29 so in honor of that occasion here are 29 reasons I'm so in love.
1.) We are a good team.
2.) He works so hard for our family.
3.) He has beautiful hands and forearms.
4.) Emaline lights up when he's around. What an amazing Daddy she has.
5.) He loves my family...dysfunction and all.
6.) He thought I was beautiful when I felt invisible.
7.) His servant heart.
8.) A liar he is not!
9.) The way he takes care of our home.
10.) He let's me sleep in every once in awhile.
11.) He takes care of his mother.
12.) He loves the Lord.
13.) He supportive of me.
14.) His family comes first.
15.) He is strong.
16.) He calms me down and balances me out.
17.) His easygoing nature.
18.) The way he thoughtfully considers his options.
19.) He is good at finding a deal.
20.) He loves a good adventure!
21.) The way he holds fast to both his Dutch and Eritrean culture.
22.) The way he is bringing Emaline into the fold of those cultures.
23.) He loves to travel...even if it's only to Dayton for the weekend.
24.) He likes getting together with MVNU alumni almost as much as I do.
25.) He pushes me when I need it and he backs off when I need it.
26.) He speaks softly and kindly.
27.) He loves my clients and they love him back.
28.) He's not afraid to cry.
29.) I just have to say it...he's great in the sack. :)
I HAD to be a little inappropriate! It's Fez I'm describing! Seriously though, I could go on (and on, and on...) about all the ways in which I feel blessed by the man I married. He is a treasure and I just know that in 50 years I'll feel equally as blessed.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
C is for Cesareans, Cee-Lo Green and Chic-Fil-A
I had a cesarean in 2009 and that's how Emaline Joy emerged into the world. While I wish it had gone differently I tread lightly with those thoughts because out of that birth grew education, courage and a change I can't into words. I am thankful for cesareans and I wish they weren't overused.
"F You" by Cee-Lo Green is Emaline's favorite song. It's a tad (or a LOT) inappropriate, but it's so darn catchy and we love it. Baby Girl loves to shake her groove thang. She's so much like her mama...
In the past 7 days we have eaten at Chick-Fil-A 4 times. EMBARRASSING. Here's why:
1.) It's reasonably healthy. Well, it is the way I order it. Grilled chicken sandwich and a side salad for mama, chicken nuggets (not organic but real all white meat chicken) and a fruit cup for Emaline.
2.) They help me with EJ. Yep, they bring me a place mat, refill our drinks (water), bring our food out to us and clean up after the food ends up in the floor.
3.) We got a gift card from EJ's papa (My dad) so it's cheap.
4.) Toddlerhood has brought many eating challenges. It seems that meal time usually involves a huge mess, tears, and a kid that has eaten very little protein. This has not always been an issue with EJ. She loves to eat but in her toddler age she is showing her colors. Not so at Chic-Fila-A! She will sit ther and eat independently for ages and that means mama and daddy eat in peace.
We will stop it soon. I promise. I am still cooking dinner nightly. Can you read in that I have some mommy guilt with this? Something about putting it into writing has made me feel slightly bad about soooo much fast food. SIGH.
"F You" by Cee-Lo Green is Emaline's favorite song. It's a tad (or a LOT) inappropriate, but it's so darn catchy and we love it. Baby Girl loves to shake her groove thang. She's so much like her mama...
In the past 7 days we have eaten at Chick-Fil-A 4 times. EMBARRASSING. Here's why:
1.) It's reasonably healthy. Well, it is the way I order it. Grilled chicken sandwich and a side salad for mama, chicken nuggets (not organic but real all white meat chicken) and a fruit cup for Emaline.
2.) They help me with EJ. Yep, they bring me a place mat, refill our drinks (water), bring our food out to us and clean up after the food ends up in the floor.
3.) We got a gift card from EJ's papa (My dad) so it's cheap.
4.) Toddlerhood has brought many eating challenges. It seems that meal time usually involves a huge mess, tears, and a kid that has eaten very little protein. This has not always been an issue with EJ. She loves to eat but in her toddler age she is showing her colors. Not so at Chic-Fila-A! She will sit ther and eat independently for ages and that means mama and daddy eat in peace.
We will stop it soon. I promise. I am still cooking dinner nightly. Can you read in that I have some mommy guilt with this? Something about putting it into writing has made me feel slightly bad about soooo much fast food. SIGH.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
B is for Baths, Blueberries and Birth...
Last January we had our bathroom remodeled and we got a new bathtub. I promptly fell in love with it. Since then there has not been a day when I haven't indulged in a bubble bath.
Blueberries are Emaline's favorite fruit...by far. She is always saying "Mama, more BWEEEZ!" Yep, she calls them bweez and I think it's adorable. The girls gets her antioxidant's that's for sure!
As of late (the past two years) I have become a sponge for anything and everything about birth. I love reading birth stories, blogs, and websites dedicated to birth. I have seen everything Netflix has to offer on the subject. Anyone and everyone who will listen has heard me talk about birth. Emaline's delivery has only increased my desire to know more. Part of me wants to have another baby just so I can have a reason to talk birth all day long. What a weirdo I am becoming.
Blueberries are Emaline's favorite fruit...by far. She is always saying "Mama, more BWEEEZ!" Yep, she calls them bweez and I think it's adorable. The girls gets her antioxidant's that's for sure!
As of late (the past two years) I have become a sponge for anything and everything about birth. I love reading birth stories, blogs, and websites dedicated to birth. I have seen everything Netflix has to offer on the subject. Anyone and everyone who will listen has heard me talk about birth. Emaline's delivery has only increased my desire to know more. Part of me wants to have another baby just so I can have a reason to talk birth all day long. What a weirdo I am becoming.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Quote
"Sometime symbols are all we have to help us to remember our resolve, to help us remember our most cherished and our darkest days." -Peter Schroeder
A is for Apples, Arbonne, and Acrobats
I am copying off of my good friend Wendy D. Hutcheson and am going to try and blog for 26 consecutive days about things starting with that days letter. Today is day one, letter A.
Lady Alice apples+lime juice=my favorite snack of 2011.
In December of 2010 I began seling Arbonne products. They are 100% natural and I LOVE them. However I am terrible at selling and I mostly just like my discount. :)
Acrobats...that's a starnge thing, no? Recently David and I finished a 6 episode documentary by PBS on Netflix called "Circus". It was excellent! I loved the soundtrack, the layers of each perforemer and crew member and I loved how visually stimulating the cinematography was. All around pretty excellent and I was surprised by how much we enjoyed it.
The circus is not one of my favorite things but I'd be lying if I didn't say that I am astounded by the talent of the acrobats. The flying trapeze has always left me speechless. It looks so simple, easy even and oh so graceful. I wonder what it would be like to fly around weightless like that. David and I are both sad that the series is over and we even sort of want to go see the circus now. Hmmmm....
Lady Alice apples+lime juice=my favorite snack of 2011.
In December of 2010 I began seling Arbonne products. They are 100% natural and I LOVE them. However I am terrible at selling and I mostly just like my discount. :)
Acrobats...that's a starnge thing, no? Recently David and I finished a 6 episode documentary by PBS on Netflix called "Circus". It was excellent! I loved the soundtrack, the layers of each perforemer and crew member and I loved how visually stimulating the cinematography was. All around pretty excellent and I was surprised by how much we enjoyed it.
The circus is not one of my favorite things but I'd be lying if I didn't say that I am astounded by the talent of the acrobats. The flying trapeze has always left me speechless. It looks so simple, easy even and oh so graceful. I wonder what it would be like to fly around weightless like that. David and I are both sad that the series is over and we even sort of want to go see the circus now. Hmmmm....
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Rest...
My body is just plain old worn out. Tomorrow morning David will be running the CBUS 10 miler without me. My body is just screaming at me to slow down or else it may just stop cooperating. Logically I understand why I need to bow out tomorrow, but I won't lie, it hurts. I trained hard and worked for this and I can't do it. David reminded me that I have nothing to prove to myself or anyone. 10 miles is 3 less than what I did in October and I can stand behind that. Still...
I have been apprehensive to write about the struggles I am having as I learn to deal with how hard it has been for my mind to catch up to my body. Body image is still a struggle and I always figured it wouldn't be once I was at my goal weight. WRONG. What would lead me to believe such a thing? Women (and men) of all sizes and shapes struggle with this so what makes me think a "magic number" would change that for me?
My challenge right now is this: I need to sit in this. I need to come to terms with what I have done to my body (in a very poitive but challenging kind of way). Most importantly I need to bask in the assurance, abundance and mercy of God and his love for me and remember that it's always been there.
I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. That both exhilarates and terrifies me. I am SO different and most of those changes are not physical. I am having learning where I fit. God is drawing me out of the season of weight loss and into new territory. My tendency is to want a new goal, a challenge. Yet right now I keep being told to just sit, just be. Huh? How do I do that?
I have been apprehensive to write about the struggles I am having as I learn to deal with how hard it has been for my mind to catch up to my body. Body image is still a struggle and I always figured it wouldn't be once I was at my goal weight. WRONG. What would lead me to believe such a thing? Women (and men) of all sizes and shapes struggle with this so what makes me think a "magic number" would change that for me?
My challenge right now is this: I need to sit in this. I need to come to terms with what I have done to my body (in a very poitive but challenging kind of way). Most importantly I need to bask in the assurance, abundance and mercy of God and his love for me and remember that it's always been there.
I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. That both exhilarates and terrifies me. I am SO different and most of those changes are not physical. I am having learning where I fit. God is drawing me out of the season of weight loss and into new territory. My tendency is to want a new goal, a challenge. Yet right now I keep being told to just sit, just be. Huh? How do I do that?
Friday, March 25, 2011
When I lay my head down at night...
Maybe some of you stay-at-home momma's can identify with me here. Each day I spend my time doing a myriad of things that (from an outsider, ha even my own husband) look like nothing at all. In addition to asking myself at the end of the day what I've actually accomplished, I sometimes feel like I failed at the unseen things I did do. So today I decided that as time permits I'm going to write a list of all the things I've done in a day, seen and unseen. Here was what today looked like:
*Fed Emaline breakfast
*Read Emaline about 30 books
*Got in 50 minutes of exercise at the Y while Emaline played
*Babysat for Silas for an hour and fed two babies lunch
*Made a pot of chili
*Took a bath
*Cleaned the sink, toilet and mirror in the bathroom
*De-cluttered the guest room, the entryway and dining room
*Cleaned Em's high-chair and kitchen table
*Made a grocery list and meal plan for the coming week
*Watched an episode of The Office online (ok, that's not exactly productive...)
*Sang songs with Emaline
*Filled up a sippy cup 3 times
*Changed 4 diapers (so far)
*Written this here blog
*Caught up on Facebook (I know, I know)
*Checked up on my BFF who is in the hospital and told those awaiting info the scoop (and prayed about it continually)
*Read a portion of Ruth 4
*Mothered: this is intangible. As much as I want to label my activity this one just can't be labeled. All the loving embraces and thoughtful explanations or gentle corrections cannot be seen right away. They will show up later in the kind of woman she becomes. She is already making this mommy proud of what I've done so far. I have a smart, curious and tender toddler who loves people and loves to laugh. That's enough for me. I am a mother, I am her mother. Even if at the end of the day nothing else got done (kinda like Tuesday and Wednesday of this week) I hope I'd be able to say this is enough, because it is.
Maybe not the most productive day ever, but not too shabby either. Now when I lay down to go to sleep tonight I'll have this list and i think it just might help me.
My life is full.
*Fed Emaline breakfast
*Read Emaline about 30 books
*Got in 50 minutes of exercise at the Y while Emaline played
*Babysat for Silas for an hour and fed two babies lunch
*Made a pot of chili
*Took a bath
*Cleaned the sink, toilet and mirror in the bathroom
*De-cluttered the guest room, the entryway and dining room
*Cleaned Em's high-chair and kitchen table
*Made a grocery list and meal plan for the coming week
*Watched an episode of The Office online (ok, that's not exactly productive...)
*Sang songs with Emaline
*Filled up a sippy cup 3 times
*Changed 4 diapers (so far)
*Written this here blog
*Caught up on Facebook (I know, I know)
*Checked up on my BFF who is in the hospital and told those awaiting info the scoop (and prayed about it continually)
*Read a portion of Ruth 4
*Mothered: this is intangible. As much as I want to label my activity this one just can't be labeled. All the loving embraces and thoughtful explanations or gentle corrections cannot be seen right away. They will show up later in the kind of woman she becomes. She is already making this mommy proud of what I've done so far. I have a smart, curious and tender toddler who loves people and loves to laugh. That's enough for me. I am a mother, I am her mother. Even if at the end of the day nothing else got done (kinda like Tuesday and Wednesday of this week) I hope I'd be able to say this is enough, because it is.
Maybe not the most productive day ever, but not too shabby either. Now when I lay down to go to sleep tonight I'll have this list and i think it just might help me.
My life is full.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Chicago...
I'm here in Chicago with two great friends. Today on the agenda is...sleeping until we wake up (which was 6:56 for me), working out, shopping until we drop and then get a nice dinner out. This is all in celebration of me hitting my goal weight. The only problem is, I still have 3 more pounds (depending on the scale. One says 180.5, the other 183). Oh well, close enough I guess. No, I'm not stopping, this weekend just worked for us. There are two girls with me and their names are Heather and Elisha. It was no accident that I wanted this shopping trip to be with the two of them. There have been so many people who have supported and encouraged me on this journey, none less than my wonderful husband, and I wish I could take all of them (you?) on a little getaway. During the day in and day out Elisha and Heather have been unwavering in their absolute belief that I can and would reach my goal. Both of these women came to the two big races of 2010 and believed in me throughout. Elisha even ran them with me! Both of these women listened to me cry, and complain, and vent and cheer about how excruciatingly wonderful this experience has been. Neither one of them ever made me feel like I was being selfish for spending so much time away from home taking care of this. Both of them thought I was beautiful even at 266 pounds (my largest in 2000). Both of these women have bragged about my accomplishment to their friends and family as if it was their own. Both of these women have celbrated the little milestones along the way. I wanted them here with me when I celebrated what has happened. It only made sense.
As I sit here on the 35th floor of a hotel suite in downtown Chicago I am overcome. This thing in my life that I have always deemed impossible to conquer now lay in the corner, dead. I killed it. I kicked it's ass. I'm still kicking it's ass. Yeah, yeah I've still got 3 or so pounds. I also think 175 i s a better goal. Today, I celebrate though. I celebrate that I am free from bondage and free from my own control. I am free to shop at stores that the other girls can go to. I am free to ride a roller coaster...and fit in the seat. I am free to eat in public without shame, free to eat with gusto and enjoyment. I am free to LIVE. Live in a body that I feel good in.
Now, it's off to the gym.
As I sit here on the 35th floor of a hotel suite in downtown Chicago I am overcome. This thing in my life that I have always deemed impossible to conquer now lay in the corner, dead. I killed it. I kicked it's ass. I'm still kicking it's ass. Yeah, yeah I've still got 3 or so pounds. I also think 175 i s a better goal. Today, I celebrate though. I celebrate that I am free from bondage and free from my own control. I am free to shop at stores that the other girls can go to. I am free to ride a roller coaster...and fit in the seat. I am free to eat in public without shame, free to eat with gusto and enjoyment. I am free to LIVE. Live in a body that I feel good in.
Now, it's off to the gym.
Monday, February 28, 2011
It's his turn...
David and I signed up to run a 10 mile race on April 10. This means that my husband needs to get himself out and running, stat! Like I've said before, he's been my biggest cheerleader throughout this weight loss journey I've been on. He joined the running group at our YMCA and has to complete a certain number of minutes per week of cardio exercise. This has created quite the scheduling conflict within our home. He started just one week ago and I already feel like I never get to see him. He wants to do this though and so that means it is worth it. This has really opened my eyes to see just how much he has sacrificed to help me reach my goals. Even though I know this , this does not mean that I have been gracious about it all the time. I wish I could say that I am as selfless as my husband but I'm not. I've gotten used to our routine and this change has been an adjustment. Take today for instance. Usually he gets home around four and allows me to cook dinner with out Emaline at my feet. Then we eat together and then I go to the Y after she goes to sleep at 7. Today he came home and changed clothes and was gone to get in his minutes. Instead of being and encouragement to him as he is to me I was wishing he would stay. I need to be better. Period. The end. He's given me so much encouragement and support and he deserves nothing but that for his running goals.
On a lighter note, my daughter is talking so much! It seems like everyday she says a new word or phrase and I get so excited! She is making her needs and wants more and more and that heps out a ton. She is calling David "DA-EEE" and me "MAMA". I love, love, love hearing her say mama! She is my joy...
On a lighter note, my daughter is talking so much! It seems like everyday she says a new word or phrase and I get so excited! She is making her needs and wants more and more and that heps out a ton. She is calling David "DA-EEE" and me "MAMA". I love, love, love hearing her say mama! She is my joy...
Monday, February 21, 2011
Baby of Mine...
Here are some lyrics to a lullaby I love. My favorite version is by Allison Krause who sings everything like a heavenly being in my opinion! Ever since I heard this song sung on Dumbo it has had the power to make me weep. Today I heard it and it was no different, I wept through the whole thing. My love for Emaline has no bounds.
Baby mine, don't you cry
Baby mine, dry your eyes
Rest your head close to my heart
Never to part, baby of mine
Little one when you play
Don't you mind what you say
Let those eyes sparkle and shine
Never a tear, baby of mine
If they knew sweet little you
They'd end up loving you too
All those same people who scold you
What they'd give just for
The right to hold you
From your head to your toes
You're not much, goodness knows
But you're so precious to me
Cute as can be, baby of mine
Baby mine, don't you cry
Baby mine, dry your eyes
Rest your head close to my heart
Never to part, baby of mine
Little one when you play
Don't you mind what you say
Let those eyes sparkle and shine
Never a tear, baby of mine
If they knew sweet little you
They'd end up loving you too
All those same people who scold you
What they'd give just for
The right to hold you
From your head to your toes
You're not much, goodness knows
But you're so precious to me
Cute as can be, baby of mine
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Our family table...
It may sound corny, but I really and truly love feeding my family. Becoming pregnant with Emaline started me in my own personal food revolution. My diet changed when I was expecting her and my eyes have been opened more and more to the issues surrounding food in America. From the time I saw that little blue line on a pregnancy stick I knew I wanted my child to have the best I could give her, no matter the sacrifice it meant for me. I began on a quest to learn about where my food comes from, whats in it and what my body, my husband's body and my child's body needed. There is a lot of valuable information out there, but a lot of differing opinions on what we should and should not eat. All of my life I have been able to read a cookbook like a novel, pouring over delicious sounding recipes and noting things I'd like to try. Feeding David and Emaline a meal that they enjoy and that is packed with healthy nutrients gives me and honest to goodness rush. I feel like I am helping to sustain them and nourish them, and I am! Simple, whole, unprocessed foods that taste delicious are good for the body and soul. I wish I could say that our diets are free from anything processed or not organic, but they are. Our wallets limit us in this area, and so does convenience. Emaline doesn't get processed foods (at least not often under my watch) but David and I enjoy a good soda or snack food from time to time! As for organic, well I try. Truth is most days we can't afford organic meat. This means we go without meat quite often or have it as side dish sized portion, or we eat non organic meat. Sigh. Too bad good quality meat isn't available for most people because of price. My parents are generous though and give us a great deal of the meat they buy locally. They buy an entire cow and pig each year and David and I reap the benefits of that!
I find it fun, almost like a game, to come up with nutritious and tasty meals that everyone in my family will like. What I've decided is this: eating is a joy and a gift from God. It is a form of celebration and togetherness. Breaking bread or sharing a meal is Biblical and a central part of community, and I'm so thankful for that. Food didn't have to taste good, it didn't have to vary in color and texture, and it could have been something God never even created. I like to think he gave that to us as a gift. This gift is to be enjoyed with gusto and thoughtfulness. For so long I have eaten in shame and with no thought to what I was actually consuming, but no more. Changing the way I eat does not mean that I enjoy it less, in fact for me it has meant the opposite! I'm thankful that God was thoughtful enough to bless us with tasty food. He loves us, oh how He loves us.
I find it fun, almost like a game, to come up with nutritious and tasty meals that everyone in my family will like. What I've decided is this: eating is a joy and a gift from God. It is a form of celebration and togetherness. Breaking bread or sharing a meal is Biblical and a central part of community, and I'm so thankful for that. Food didn't have to taste good, it didn't have to vary in color and texture, and it could have been something God never even created. I like to think he gave that to us as a gift. This gift is to be enjoyed with gusto and thoughtfulness. For so long I have eaten in shame and with no thought to what I was actually consuming, but no more. Changing the way I eat does not mean that I enjoy it less, in fact for me it has meant the opposite! I'm thankful that God was thoughtful enough to bless us with tasty food. He loves us, oh how He loves us.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
My Valentine...
Some call him David, most call him Fez, I call him my husband. I often wonder how on Earth I was so blessed and why in the world he chose me. So many women in the world and he chose me. There are days when marriage is tough. Days when we look at each other and all we seem to see is our glaring differences. There are days when we can't communicate, or worse still there are days when our communication is harsh. Even on these days there is always assurance that we make each other better people. He told me on the day he asked me to be his wife that my strengths covered his weaknesses, and his mine. The truth in that statement is profound. He is patient when I am antsy, I am diligent when he is carefree, and he is calm when I am anxious. These stark contrasts create friction at times, but most of the time it is spot on and just what we need. David is my biggest cheerleader, my gentle teacher, my provider and the great love of my life. My words fail me often, but the depth of feeling and tenderness in my heart towards this man flow freely in the form of tears, embraces and looks.
Watching him father our daughter has taken this love and made it multiply. We are novice parents and at times we don't see eye to eye, but OH. My. GOODNESS. he is an amazing dad. I knew he would be, and he has not disappointed in the least. My girl is blessed to be growing up with a dad that will teach her just what she deserves in a mate someday. I get so much joy when I watch them interact. She lights up when he's around and I know that they are buddies already. Parenting has challenged us in so many ways and we've had our fair share of tense times as we've navigated this new chapter. As we go we ease up and have found that this time has strengthened us rather than weakened us. Our marriage is more solid than ever and our love has really been multiplies with the birth of Emaline Joy.
Watching him father our daughter has taken this love and made it multiply. We are novice parents and at times we don't see eye to eye, but OH. My. GOODNESS. he is an amazing dad. I knew he would be, and he has not disappointed in the least. My girl is blessed to be growing up with a dad that will teach her just what she deserves in a mate someday. I get so much joy when I watch them interact. She lights up when he's around and I know that they are buddies already. Parenting has challenged us in so many ways and we've had our fair share of tense times as we've navigated this new chapter. As we go we ease up and have found that this time has strengthened us rather than weakened us. Our marriage is more solid than ever and our love has really been multiplies with the birth of Emaline Joy.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Birth...
I said a few posts ago that I met with a few new doctors and feel as if I found one. During my consultation with Dr. I, I asked a lot of questions about VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean), gestational diabetes, white coat syndrome, and other things pertaining to my health and birth(s). One thing that really stuck out to me was when Dr. I said (and I'm paraphrasing here) "People need to realize that the c-section rate is 33% in our country. This rate has gone up significantly since I've been an OB/GYN. One thing we're all afraid to say is that American have never been unhealthier than they are right now." I can only speak in my situation, but my cesarean was directly correlated with my obesity. I venture to say no one would ever say that to me, but it's the truth. I KNOW there are so many doctors out there doing random unnecesareans all the time. I know they aren't giving mothers the time or resources they need to birth their babies. I know some women are electing to have them. Birth is messy and inconvenient. There is no sure way to predict when it will happen. It's a beautiful mystery when it is allowed to unravel in it's own way. There are certainly times when a cesarean is necessary! I believe mine was. I understand why Emaline needed to be birn when she was. I thank God for the technology and efficiency of cesareans. Yet, in my case I am the one that made it necessary. My body was no longer safe for her because years prior to my even expecting her I consumed 10,000+ calories a day and got myself into a situation I couldn't get out of. I did all I could do once I knew she was coming along, but it was a little late. Damage had been done.
So when Dr. I said what no one else has had the guts to say to me before, I agreed. The way so many American's eat is appalling. The sedentary lives so many lead is frightening. I know, I've been guilty of it! In many cases it is doctors calling for too many interventions. In many scenario's women are just ready to not be pregnant anymore and ask to be induced. In no way am I blaming women for the myriad of injustices put on them by our very screwy health care system. All I'm saying is that I think there is truth in the theory that there is indeed a strong correlation between unhealthy/overweight American's and the cesarean rate in this country. In my case, this is fact.
So when Dr. I said what no one else has had the guts to say to me before, I agreed. The way so many American's eat is appalling. The sedentary lives so many lead is frightening. I know, I've been guilty of it! In many cases it is doctors calling for too many interventions. In many scenario's women are just ready to not be pregnant anymore and ask to be induced. In no way am I blaming women for the myriad of injustices put on them by our very screwy health care system. All I'm saying is that I think there is truth in the theory that there is indeed a strong correlation between unhealthy/overweight American's and the cesarean rate in this country. In my case, this is fact.
So tired of fighting...
I have been on this weight loss journey for 13 months now, and let me tell you, I'M TIRED OF FIGHTING. Everyday is a constant struggle within myself. Well, that's dramatic, but many days feel like a huge battle. I think maybe I'm just burning out, losing steam. If I'm perfectly honest I'd say I am almost always hungry. I'm on weight watchers, which works, but I feel like I'm always fighting the urge to eat. Admittedly sometimes I just want to eat, but most of the time I am just honest to God hungry. Going to the gym is also getting lower on my list of fun ways to spend my time. Like I said, I think I may be burning out. Maybe I should take a break. How can I do that now though when I'm so close to my goal? I think I'm going to just take a week off. I need it. The most difficult part is that I feel like this war is never going to end. I have come to realize that even when I get to that blessed number I will have to keep working to stay there. I won't get to stop trying and go back to old ways or else I'll be right back where I started. No, quitting isn't an option. I still want this, I still need this. My loved ones need it. Even more than all that, God has asked me to do it. Yes, I know that's a crazy bold statement, but for me it's true. I have always known my weight was a spiritual issue. I've felt "convicted" about it so many times, but have run away. Now is the time and I know it. I have felt the presence of God in every step of this road and know that now I need to keep at it, even though it's harder than ever.
I sometimes wonder when I'll feel like I'm done, when it's been enough. When I started I wanted 2 things: to weigh a certain amount, and wear a size 12. Well, I got one down, 7 more pounds to go and I still feel like a heifer. The truth is, I don't really see it. I look at myself on most days and see the hanging skin and the love handles and the spare tire and think I look pretty rough. Others see it and give me reassuring compliments, but I still don't see it. I even have a hard time buying the right size clothes, forgetting that this body is different. I don't need an XL anymore, I don't need plus sized tights, etc. I automatically go fo the old standards and forget! Yet, I am still not happy. I'm not sure what to do about it. I think so many women struggle in this area. I know I'm helthier and I surely feel better, but what's a girl to do when the mirror and the mind don't match?
I sometimes wonder when I'll feel like I'm done, when it's been enough. When I started I wanted 2 things: to weigh a certain amount, and wear a size 12. Well, I got one down, 7 more pounds to go and I still feel like a heifer. The truth is, I don't really see it. I look at myself on most days and see the hanging skin and the love handles and the spare tire and think I look pretty rough. Others see it and give me reassuring compliments, but I still don't see it. I even have a hard time buying the right size clothes, forgetting that this body is different. I don't need an XL anymore, I don't need plus sized tights, etc. I automatically go fo the old standards and forget! Yet, I am still not happy. I'm not sure what to do about it. I think so many women struggle in this area. I know I'm helthier and I surely feel better, but what's a girl to do when the mirror and the mind don't match?
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
shoulder...
i tore my rotator cuff, and that just plain old sucks. i trained with chris (my amazing trainer) today and he workeed around it and man, my legs are singing to me today for sure. i actually feel loike i've got flu symptoms i'm so sore, and i pay for this torture! down two more pounds today but no weigh in last week so it seems i'm doing about a pound a week and that's fine by me. after a 4 month plateau this fall i'll take anything i can get.
i had my good friend rachel cut emaline's bangs on saturday and she looks even more adorable! such a toddler look to her now, and it makes me sad, but in a very good way.
i think i've found my new ob/gyn in dr. frank isabelle of women's contemporary health care. their practice has 4 doctors and two midwives and i can see any one of them specifically or all of them at once if i want. they said all the right things without knowing my agenda and made me feel at ease. dr. isabelle actually gave me a hug, which i found totally charming in a doctor. they want to review my post operative note but they think i could be a good vbac candidate if that's what i choose. still on the fence about that. i need to blog about what dr. isabelle had to say about the rising c-section rate (33% of all births in the US). for the record, his is onl 9%, which i find amazing.
i had my good friend rachel cut emaline's bangs on saturday and she looks even more adorable! such a toddler look to her now, and it makes me sad, but in a very good way.
i think i've found my new ob/gyn in dr. frank isabelle of women's contemporary health care. their practice has 4 doctors and two midwives and i can see any one of them specifically or all of them at once if i want. they said all the right things without knowing my agenda and made me feel at ease. dr. isabelle actually gave me a hug, which i found totally charming in a doctor. they want to review my post operative note but they think i could be a good vbac candidate if that's what i choose. still on the fence about that. i need to blog about what dr. isabelle had to say about the rising c-section rate (33% of all births in the US). for the record, his is onl 9%, which i find amazing.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
to cut or not to cut...
emaline needs her bangs trimmed and has for some time. i'm not quite sure if i'm ready for this though. she is turning more and more into a little girl and it makes me feel a bit sad. she went from being connected to me and living inside of me, to completely dependent on me and now she is really gaining independence and wanting to do so much on her own. this is the goal of parenting but it feels depressing today for some reason. people will tell you it goes too fast and that you will miss these days but it's hard to believe how fast it really does go by. my baby girl is 16 months old. she is walking and talking so much, feeding herself with a spoon, and telling me when she wants/needs a new diaper. we even got the potty out this month and she's showing an interest already. she seems to be her mother's daughter and wants to be independent and self-sufficient. she's playing by herself better these days and i find that i can fold a load of laundry or get dinner going while she entertains herself. that being said, i have to watch her like a hawk. the girl can climb. she has climbed up onto the table, her highchair, and once out of her crib. she is a doll and i love the little lady she is becoming, even if it's too fast for my liking.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
rambles...
my daughter has been sick for a month. it sucks pretty bad for a lot of reasons. obviously because she doesn't feel well and that makes me sad for her. it also interferes with her sleep, which weighs on us all. one other reason it sucks is because it makes me feel inadequate as a momma because breastfeeding didn't pan out for us as we'd have hoped. i can't help but wonder if i had been able to nurse her for longer if my poor girl would be going through this right now. i have often said that our breastfeeding issues were harder for me to deal with than my cesarean and subsequent hematoma. it's true. nothing thus far in mothering has been more infuriating and depressing as my "inability" to nurse my baby. 16 months after her birth it still makes me feel self conscious and in a word, less. less of a woman, a mother, a fighter, you name it...less. rationally i can explain what are issues were and can even accept them. emotionally i still can't. as i think and prepare for the birth of #2 down the road my biggest concern is not vbac, or scheduled c/s, or post-op issues returning, but rather breastfeeding. what birth will help me be able to nurse my second baby with greather ease than last time? no answers yet. it hurts me to see and hear other moms succesfully nursing their babies. all those insecurities just come to the surface. i can't also help but feel as if some women want to make me feel that way. i'm probably just paranoid. when i get down on my body and it's supposed "failure to progress" and failure to produce (milk in my case) it's easy to feel defeated and even angry with my bod. i've recently been introduced to a website called "shape of a mother". wow. countless numbers of women are there sharing pictures and stories of how their bodies made life, milk, and pleasure. this has inspired me to be less critical of myself and all my shortcomings. the truth is that i grew emaline in my body, and she is perfection. healthy, strong, beautiful, smart and full of love. my body may ot have been allowed to act the way it was intended because of medicine and pain, but it did it's job of growing a life. looking at my scar and flab and sagginess reminds me of my journey. my journey as a mother of course, but also of my journey as myself.
i haven't always been kind to my body. in fact i've usually been downright abusive to it. having a baby grow inside me taught me more than i can even convey and it turned my life upside down. or should i say right side up? this week was a personal milestone for a few reasons. 1.)i'm within 10 lbs. of my original goal weight. 2.) my body fat % is in the normal range and 3.) i'm wearing a size ten jeans. that's all wonderful but what's even better is that for the first time i can really see it. i was running on the treadmill the other day and there was a window in front of me and i could see my reflection. i try not to see myself often while exercising. too much flopping and bouncing if ya know what i mean! but on this day when i saw myself i saw something different. i look different. i look better. i feel better. could it be that i am really turning into myself? does the mirror reflect what i actually feel? as i read over this i feel self concious for tooting my own horn while at the same time realizing that these words don't capture what i feel. there aren't really even words for it. this body that i have for years hated and hidden and cursed has changed. i changed it. i am still changing it. it's not out of hate for it that i have done this, but rather love for it. love for the round soft self that carried my child, loved my husband, carried around my heart and mind, and represented me to the world. having emaline taught me to love this body enough to change it and care for it. even love it. not just for her or her father, but for me.
i haven't always been kind to my body. in fact i've usually been downright abusive to it. having a baby grow inside me taught me more than i can even convey and it turned my life upside down. or should i say right side up? this week was a personal milestone for a few reasons. 1.)i'm within 10 lbs. of my original goal weight. 2.) my body fat % is in the normal range and 3.) i'm wearing a size ten jeans. that's all wonderful but what's even better is that for the first time i can really see it. i was running on the treadmill the other day and there was a window in front of me and i could see my reflection. i try not to see myself often while exercising. too much flopping and bouncing if ya know what i mean! but on this day when i saw myself i saw something different. i look different. i look better. i feel better. could it be that i am really turning into myself? does the mirror reflect what i actually feel? as i read over this i feel self concious for tooting my own horn while at the same time realizing that these words don't capture what i feel. there aren't really even words for it. this body that i have for years hated and hidden and cursed has changed. i changed it. i am still changing it. it's not out of hate for it that i have done this, but rather love for it. love for the round soft self that carried my child, loved my husband, carried around my heart and mind, and represented me to the world. having emaline taught me to love this body enough to change it and care for it. even love it. not just for her or her father, but for me.
Friday, January 7, 2011
new doc...
today i bit the bullet and made a consultation appointment with a new ob/gyn. i have to switch doctors because i'm now covered under david's osu insurance. while i'm super grateful to have health insurance, i'm really sad that i have to leave dr. k's practice. he was the first doctor i ever had where i felt truly comfortable and knew he was hearing me. an ob/gyn is a very personal doctor and i beleive that i need to be totally comfortable with whoever i choose. right now i'm just setting up consultations and will pick a doctor from the interviews. let's hope dr. landon from osu lives up to the stellar recommendations i received about him. my doula friend told me that he wrote what is probably the most important piece of research concerning vbac in the last 10 years. he also specializes in diabetes in pregnancy and since i had sugar issues with e.j. that was like music to my ears. i just wish our healthcare system wasn't so... not even sure of the word. i just wish people were put first rather than dollars. i'm thankful that i have been empowered by so many strong women out there to take ownership of my health care and not just pick a name out of the yellow pages and use them just because they're in my network. let the search begin...
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