Vacation!

In just a few hours I will board a jet with my beloved and fly on down to the beach on Sanibel Island! I can't wait! Well, sorta...

You see, Emaline is NOT coming. This is part of the reason I'm excited. It's also the reason that I have had a quivering lip for the past 24 hours. I am in turmoil about leaving her. Yes, turmoil is a great word to describe what I feel about leaving my daughter for 5 days.

On one hand...I can't wait. I need this. It's been an eventful two years to say the least. Pregnancy, parenthood, weight loss, and grad school have all been on my plate and so much has changed. So much in fact that there was actually a day when I went to write my name and I drew a blank. Literally. I feel so different (between becoming a mother and not being fat anymore) that it felt strange that I could still be called Amanda T. Fessehazion. Weird. I need to do nothing for a while. I need to sit and just let my mind go. I need to eat hot food. I need to sleep until I'm ready to wake up. I need to spend time with my husband, to connect with him separate from the rigors of parenthood. I need to just be still and not worry about working out, weighing in and counting points. I look forward to sitting in a hot tub with a glass of wine and just being me, Amanda T. Fessehazion. She is different, but I like her now more than ever.

On the other hand...I will ache for my daughter. She has become my world. Not just her, but this family I have made for myself has become my world. I will miss waking up to the sound of her playing. I will miss reading her books. I will miss watching her play. I will miss the snuggles, hugs, kisses and loves that she so generously gives me. I will miss the sounds of her eating and drinking and sleeping. I will miss getting her dressed each morning and putting on her shoes and fixing her hair. I will miss her smells. I fear that when I get home she's not going to like me as much as she likes her Nanny and Pawpaw. I fear that she's going to come back addicted to sugar and totally off her sleep schedule. I fear that I am going to regret having left and wishing I hadn't let these 5 days go by without her in them.

Alas, I will go. These words from the great Henri J.M. Nouwen spoke to me this week as I have been praying about leaving my sweet E.

" When you love someone or miss someone, you experience and inner pain. Bit by bit you have to discover the nature of this pain. When your deepest self is connected with the deepest self of another, that person's absence may be painful, but it will lead you to a profound communion with the person, because loving each other is loving in God. When the place where God dwells in you is intimately connected with the place where God dwells in the other, the absence of the other person is not destructive. On the contrary, it will challenge you to enter more deeply into communion with God, the source of all unity and communion among people."

Therefore I know when I get home, she will still love her momma! She will also find that her mommy is more patient, relaxed and energized than before, making her a better momma. God gave me this sweet gift in my daughter. I want to be the very best I can be for her and I think this little retreat will help me be that for her.

I know all of this has probably sounded dramatic. When I knew I was expecting Emaline I never dreamed I was capable of this much love. This week will be tough, but wonderful. Here I go...