Spiritual Direction

During our time with our previous small group I met a woman named Kelli and I love her. I loved her immediately based solely on the sound of her voice. She has a voice that makes me want to curl up on the couch and take a nap. It's calming in the best way. Once I got to know her I began to love her for more than her voice! She has a spiritual maturity and honesty that I admire and she is on the pastoral staff at my church so she knows her stuff. When our old group birthed our new group she approached me about doing spiritual direction with me. It has long been a desire of my heart to have mentor of sorts and this was a great option for me. So we began. It has richly blessed my life meeting with her once a month.

Last night I met with her and it was again a blessing. She leads us in prayer, then we are silent until I feel like I am ready to talk about whatever I want to talk about. She listens, interjects when necessary or I ask her to, then we pray and say goodbye. Usually our meetings last about 90 minutes and they are some of the best most productive minutes of my month. But they are also challenging and hard and I am faced with the truth. She has gone through very similar experiences as I have in my life and therefore has a wisdom and compassion that is helpful.

What it usually comes down to is this: I have a hard time living constantly in the truth and power of God's unfailing love. I still strive to earn it, to be enough and to please God and others with a downright fervor and obsession. I am truly a work in process and He is still working on me. I want to embrace the truth that He loves me. Not because of who I am  but because of who He is. I have seen the heart of God as love at times but other times I think I need to strive, earn and produce in order to be loved. What a lie. It has been this lie that has led me astray time after time though. This journey does not come with a map! Our American culture values directions and steps on how to gain the things we want but the Kingdom of God is not designed that way. I am learning to be OK with that.