Starting at the beginning of April David and I started co-hosting/co-leading a small group through our church, Vineyard Columbus. This is such an answer to prayer for me as a wife. There were several years when my dear husband (and I) were walking in a desert place and I wondered what would ever come of it. When the church we helped plant crumbled we were jaded, wounded, angry, cynical and doubtful about the whole Jesus thing. Alas, God was with us even when we ignored Him and He carries us through that time. I won't speak for David, but I know that walking through that time was hard but it was good. It was good because after I unpacked everything I thought I knew I came back to Jesus and entered into a real relationship with Him. Of course I am not perfect by any means, but my love for Jesus is real, palpable and I believe He is alive in me and in others. It's a good place to be.
That being said, I had some anxiety about leading a small group. Even though we worked through a lot of our baggage from our past church experiences, some of that stuff came up again as we prepared. There were a few classes we needed to take and in those classes we talked about our past experiences leading and with church and it was hard! I was surprised by my emotion, especially about Landing Place. I hear those two words and I have an almost guttural reaction. So much of my life is the way it is because of my time at 64 King Avenue. I do not regret it one bit, but there are some very real feeling of failure as I think about our Franklinton church plant and even about how in the days and months before Mark died I made my religion link directly to Mark's earthly physical healing and when that did not happen I was at a loss for what to do with my spiritual life. David and I helped start an LP group in Franklinton, but it wasn't about Jesus. It was about Mark. It was about carrying on by sheer will. It was about living out his vision. It was a distraction from our exhausting grief, even a distraction from facing God after He chose not o heal Mark in the way we wanted. I have worked through many of these things, but the enemy wants to remind me of it and the way it failed. I have learned though that success isn't about anything other than obedience. We feel strongly that God is calling us to do this at this time. That is for sure, it has been very faith building to watch God unfold all of this in His timing. Yet, there is some trepidation for sure.
It has already been messy. It has already been beautiful. God has been ever present with us as we follow and trust Him. I am excited about what He is doing and I choose to keep Him as the center though it all.
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Monday, April 21, 2014
Menu, April 21 2014
Here is the menu for the week! Looking forward to trying out a new recipe this week on Wednesday!
Monday:Grilling burgers on this beautiful spring day! To go with it we will have baked beans and fruit salad.
Tuesday: Tacos!
Wednesday: Avocado chicken salad, we are having a pincic at small group.
Thursday: Pork raost, baked sweet potatoes and green beans
Friday: Spaghetti. A classic fave for the girls. Tossed green salad on the side.
Monday:Grilling burgers on this beautiful spring day! To go with it we will have baked beans and fruit salad.
Tuesday: Tacos!
Wednesday: Avocado chicken salad, we are having a pincic at small group.
Thursday: Pork raost, baked sweet potatoes and green beans
Friday: Spaghetti. A classic fave for the girls. Tossed green salad on the side.
Monday, April 14, 2014
Menu
It is no secret if you know me that I really enjoy food. In my life I have read countless cookbooks as if they were a novel. Heck, I even like sopping for the food. In an effort to remember these days of life I want to begin posting my weekly meal plan here. The goal would be to post it every Monday, but my tack record of posting is not so hot! We shall see. Here goes week 1:
Monday: Homemade pizza, veggies and dip.
Tuesday: Chicken quinoa chili (A fave that we don't eat much in the summer, but tomorrow will be 40)
Wednesday: Small group night, and I will be baking a ham
Thursday: Sweet potato black bean burritos
Friday: Chicken vegetable stir fry
One thing I deeply enjoy is feeding my family real, nourishing foods. One the weekends we eat out a few times and keep it simple or eat leftovers.
Monday: Homemade pizza, veggies and dip.
Tuesday: Chicken quinoa chili (A fave that we don't eat much in the summer, but tomorrow will be 40)
Wednesday: Small group night, and I will be baking a ham
Thursday: Sweet potato black bean burritos
Friday: Chicken vegetable stir fry
One thing I deeply enjoy is feeding my family real, nourishing foods. One the weekends we eat out a few times and keep it simple or eat leftovers.
Monday, April 7, 2014
So about the babe inside...
***I drafted this over 2 years ago and just stumbled on it again. I thought I would post it now as it still rings true!
When I had just had Emaline and was processing my pregnancy and her birth I had an overwhelming belief that she was "born for me". What I think that means is that she was (partly) born to be my gentle teacher, to rub off the calloused parts of me and to force me to look into the darkest corners of my soul for her. It also means that I had her because I felt ready to be a mother and to have a child. These beliefs bring my both comfort and a sense of guilt. That sounds a tad selfish, no? This does NOT mean that I think my daughter was born just so I could learn these things from her. No siree! I believe that her purpose in this world will reach far, far past her mother. I have no idea what that purpose is, but I have no doubt that it is wonderful.
I also have no idea about what the baby growing in my womb is coming to Earth for. All I know is that choosing to conceive him/her sort of chose us. I figured we would like to have more than one child if were so blessed to be able to so the idea of a second pregnancy and birth was always on our radar. It's just that in the same way that I believe Emaline was "born for me" I believe this child is "born for everyone else".
When I had just had Emaline and was processing my pregnancy and her birth I had an overwhelming belief that she was "born for me". What I think that means is that she was (partly) born to be my gentle teacher, to rub off the calloused parts of me and to force me to look into the darkest corners of my soul for her. It also means that I had her because I felt ready to be a mother and to have a child. These beliefs bring my both comfort and a sense of guilt. That sounds a tad selfish, no? This does NOT mean that I think my daughter was born just so I could learn these things from her. No siree! I believe that her purpose in this world will reach far, far past her mother. I have no idea what that purpose is, but I have no doubt that it is wonderful.
I also have no idea about what the baby growing in my womb is coming to Earth for. All I know is that choosing to conceive him/her sort of chose us. I figured we would like to have more than one child if were so blessed to be able to so the idea of a second pregnancy and birth was always on our radar. It's just that in the same way that I believe Emaline was "born for me" I believe this child is "born for everyone else".
Garden
Spring is upon us! Every year I think it would be a great idea to plant a vegetable garden. My family can eat vegetables at the speed of light and we are at the grocery/farmers market 2-3 times a week! The thing is though, I am not a gardener. I don't enjoy it really. First off, I hate to be hot! Ha! That's ridiculous but very true. I also have no idea what in the world I am doing. My parents are gardeners and keep a HUGE vegetable garden at their farm and an amazing flower garden at their home. They did not really teach me about it though as they got into it after all the kids were out of the house.
I want to try though. I love the idea of going out into my backyard and getting inspiration about what to make for dinner. At our old house in Franklinton we had neighbors who were avid gardeners and gave me free reign over their fruits and veggies. To this day Emaline asks if we can plant a raspberry bush like what we had at our old house. Two single guys lived there and could never keep up with all the bounty they had and so I would harvest it, cook or preserve it and feed them along with my own family. I miss that set up!
If only I can get my dear husband to get on board!
I want to try though. I love the idea of going out into my backyard and getting inspiration about what to make for dinner. At our old house in Franklinton we had neighbors who were avid gardeners and gave me free reign over their fruits and veggies. To this day Emaline asks if we can plant a raspberry bush like what we had at our old house. Two single guys lived there and could never keep up with all the bounty they had and so I would harvest it, cook or preserve it and feed them along with my own family. I miss that set up!
If only I can get my dear husband to get on board!
Sunday, April 6, 2014
Ramblings
I feel a ramble coming on. For days, weeks maybe, I have felt something within me wanting to get out. Thoughts I am having need to be put down and this is the outlet I'm choosing. I am just going to write, it may not make sense, and that's ok.
I don't want to do "this". I am selfish and tired and I want more out of my days. I feel like I am angry all the time, that I resent my family and that all I really want to do is get out of my house, my minivan, the monotony. This was everything I always said I wanted, but right now, lately, it is suffocating me. I AM SO SELFISH.
My brain doesn't know how to work anymore. I feel like I haven't used my mind for anything. I want to have passions in my life, a vocation that I feel inspired by. I miss my clients and I miss working. Being with adults was wonderful and I miss it. This motherhood thing is so much harder than I ever imagined it would be. I thought it was all fun and that somehow when I would become a mother my desires and dreams would all center around my kids and husband, but that didn't happen.
I want to teach fitness classes. I want to learn more about diet and nutrition. I want to attend classes and get another degree. I want to go away on business and I want to go to a meeting. I want to go on a road trip alone, just me, some music and no agenda. I want to drive and see things and not have to worry about anyone else needing a nap, or a snack. Just me to worry about.
I am wildly selfish and entitled. I feel guilty about that, but it's the truth.
I want to eat what I want. How does anyone eat a delicious meal and stop themselves from eating the whole lot of it and not sit there and fixate on it. Food calls to me. It beckons me. I am angry that I can't just eat as much as I want without paying the consequences for it. The feeling of being thin was wonderful and I want it back.
My poor husband can't do anything right and I expect so much out of him and I know he is frustrated with me. I rely on him too much perhaps, I don't know. I am just worn out and tired and I don't enjoy several aspects of this stage of motherhood and I hope that someday soon I get to feel like me again. I feel a little crazy and sometimes I get so angry/sad/bewildered that I think smoke will indeed start pouring from my ears at any moment.
I don't want to do "this". I am selfish and tired and I want more out of my days. I feel like I am angry all the time, that I resent my family and that all I really want to do is get out of my house, my minivan, the monotony. This was everything I always said I wanted, but right now, lately, it is suffocating me. I AM SO SELFISH.
My brain doesn't know how to work anymore. I feel like I haven't used my mind for anything. I want to have passions in my life, a vocation that I feel inspired by. I miss my clients and I miss working. Being with adults was wonderful and I miss it. This motherhood thing is so much harder than I ever imagined it would be. I thought it was all fun and that somehow when I would become a mother my desires and dreams would all center around my kids and husband, but that didn't happen.
I want to teach fitness classes. I want to learn more about diet and nutrition. I want to attend classes and get another degree. I want to go away on business and I want to go to a meeting. I want to go on a road trip alone, just me, some music and no agenda. I want to drive and see things and not have to worry about anyone else needing a nap, or a snack. Just me to worry about.
I am wildly selfish and entitled. I feel guilty about that, but it's the truth.
I want to eat what I want. How does anyone eat a delicious meal and stop themselves from eating the whole lot of it and not sit there and fixate on it. Food calls to me. It beckons me. I am angry that I can't just eat as much as I want without paying the consequences for it. The feeling of being thin was wonderful and I want it back.
My poor husband can't do anything right and I expect so much out of him and I know he is frustrated with me. I rely on him too much perhaps, I don't know. I am just worn out and tired and I don't enjoy several aspects of this stage of motherhood and I hope that someday soon I get to feel like me again. I feel a little crazy and sometimes I get so angry/sad/bewildered that I think smoke will indeed start pouring from my ears at any moment.
This season
This season has been a hard one for my little family. Lots of little things adding up to some really stressful situations. Here's what has been going on.
One February 28th Eden was diagnosed with Nephrotic Syndrome, a rare kidney disease. It seems that she will make a full recovery, but there will be some rough days on the horizon. Part of that disease means that she has been on steroids for the past 5 weeks. OY VEY. They make her hungrier, more energetic, stronger (read: more aggressive) and also causes more sleep problems. Plus she has a very compromised immune system so we have been isolated. That all being said I am very grateful that she is doing so well and that the doctors were able to diagnose and treat her so well.
I had a real panic attack while at the hospital. So, yeah.
My husband has been working a lot more hours. He is at work 6 or 7 days a week and we miss him. His absence has come at a bad time in terms of Eden being ill. Doing it all alone and also not being able to do my normal things has made me feel a little, or a lot, nutty! They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but lately that has been anything but the truth. we are arguing a lot and feel disconnected.
We launched a small group with our awesome neighbors! This is actually very exciting and has been a tremendous faith builder for me as I sat back and watch as God orchestrated everything before my eyes. The timing is not what I would have picked, but it's what He is doing so we go with it. Since we are doing this that means we are no longer meeting with several of the people from our former small group and this is where the rub happens. It just plain bums me out! I loved being with them and I will miss it tremendously.
I am recovering from the backlash of my big weight loss a few years ago. It was a big pendulum swing from what I used to do, but still very compulsive in nature. No longer was I eating myself into an oblivion, but I was forcing myself to over exercise and eating too little. Then the second pregnancy and I basically fried my metabolism. A fried metabolism plus a desire to lose weight makes for a lot of frustration, tears, anger and even depression. In an effort to get back down to my "goal" I made some craptastic decisions. There is hope and recovery, but it is anything but easy or fun!
This coming school year Emaline is eligible to start kindergarten. She will turn 5 on 9/15 and would be one of the youngest children in her class. I am not too keen on sending her, but my husband is. I have yet to get a clear answer out of him as to why he wants to do that, but I think a lot of it is financial which I understand. Sending her to preschool will cost us $215 a month. That is not cheap I know. This decision is weighing heavy on my mommy mind. I know it's not the end of the world if I make the "wrong" decision, but it feels like it. I am so dramatic! Ha!!
So, that's what is up. This si kind of a depressing post, but it's the truth of where I am. All that being said I am so grateful for the good things, and the hard things. God has been closer than skin to me lately and has been revealing himself to me in very real and tangible ways. He is always so good, even when things are rough, especially even.
One February 28th Eden was diagnosed with Nephrotic Syndrome, a rare kidney disease. It seems that she will make a full recovery, but there will be some rough days on the horizon. Part of that disease means that she has been on steroids for the past 5 weeks. OY VEY. They make her hungrier, more energetic, stronger (read: more aggressive) and also causes more sleep problems. Plus she has a very compromised immune system so we have been isolated. That all being said I am very grateful that she is doing so well and that the doctors were able to diagnose and treat her so well.
I had a real panic attack while at the hospital. So, yeah.
My husband has been working a lot more hours. He is at work 6 or 7 days a week and we miss him. His absence has come at a bad time in terms of Eden being ill. Doing it all alone and also not being able to do my normal things has made me feel a little, or a lot, nutty! They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but lately that has been anything but the truth. we are arguing a lot and feel disconnected.
We launched a small group with our awesome neighbors! This is actually very exciting and has been a tremendous faith builder for me as I sat back and watch as God orchestrated everything before my eyes. The timing is not what I would have picked, but it's what He is doing so we go with it. Since we are doing this that means we are no longer meeting with several of the people from our former small group and this is where the rub happens. It just plain bums me out! I loved being with them and I will miss it tremendously.
I am recovering from the backlash of my big weight loss a few years ago. It was a big pendulum swing from what I used to do, but still very compulsive in nature. No longer was I eating myself into an oblivion, but I was forcing myself to over exercise and eating too little. Then the second pregnancy and I basically fried my metabolism. A fried metabolism plus a desire to lose weight makes for a lot of frustration, tears, anger and even depression. In an effort to get back down to my "goal" I made some craptastic decisions. There is hope and recovery, but it is anything but easy or fun!
This coming school year Emaline is eligible to start kindergarten. She will turn 5 on 9/15 and would be one of the youngest children in her class. I am not too keen on sending her, but my husband is. I have yet to get a clear answer out of him as to why he wants to do that, but I think a lot of it is financial which I understand. Sending her to preschool will cost us $215 a month. That is not cheap I know. This decision is weighing heavy on my mommy mind. I know it's not the end of the world if I make the "wrong" decision, but it feels like it. I am so dramatic! Ha!!
So, that's what is up. This si kind of a depressing post, but it's the truth of where I am. All that being said I am so grateful for the good things, and the hard things. God has been closer than skin to me lately and has been revealing himself to me in very real and tangible ways. He is always so good, even when things are rough, especially even.
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