"We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about
with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an
ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he
cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We
are far too easily pleased."
~ The Weight of Glory
This quote has been rolling around my brain for days now after reading it. Recently I have been forced to face some of my own shortcomings. Battles that have raged war in my mind and for my heart for years and years. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever find real freedom from those thoughts and actions this side of heaven. One part of me says no. Nope, you will just struggle forever. We each have our burdens to bear and our scars from living in the world. Yet there is another side that says yes. YES! You can be free! Jesus died for your ransom from this prison in your mind. You don't have to be in jail, you have been given the key and you have to let yourself out through the blood of the lamb. Sometimes I think the only thing getting in my way is me. I want to know the tools to get out of my way.
This quote makes me really think that maybe, just maybe, God wants more for me here. Right now. Not just in eternity, but right now.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
"Motherhood brings as much joy as ever, but it still brings boredom,
exhaustion, and sorrow too. Nothing else ever will make you as happy or
as sad, as proud or as tired, for nothing is quite as hard as helping a
person develop his own individuality especially while you struggle to
keep your own." -- Marguerite Kelly and Elia Parsons
So, are you guys going to try for that boy?
This question makes me crazy. CRAZY. It does so so for many reasons.
First of all, who says I want to try for one more baby? Not me. I love pregnancy and birth and I love my children, but I think I'm all done. I've had two cesareans, and while many women have great experiences having 3 even 4 of them, I don't think that's a good option for me. I had a hard time healing after the first one and I don't want to chance it again. That being said I don't think I would have a third baby even if I had been able to have a vaginal birth with Eden. I have a story to illustrate my point. A few moths ago just after we moved into our new home Emaline and I were down in the basement pulling out Christmas decor. She found the baby bouncer chair and pulled the little toy that makes a song play. I heard the song and all of a sudden my heart started racing and I got anxious. The reason I felt that way is because when my babies were newborns that sound meant they were discontent and about to need nursed/changed/held etc. The music made me nervous that someone needed me urgently RIGHT NOW and I realized that the idea of a newborn made me feel anxiety. I didn't think about the sweetness, or the smells or their tiny bodies, I thought about work. And sleeplessness. I think that says a lot.
We also plan to adopt soon. Well, relatively soon. We're taking our time and trying to be obedient to the Lord in this. To be honest sometimes I don't want to do this at all. the money and commitment are enough to send me running the other way. However, God has made it clear to us that we are to follow Him and we believe He is leading us toward adoption.
Lastly, if I did have another baby I would be more than happy with another girl. Take that, world. I love having girls and I know about girls. I have all girl stuff. My husband is a tremendous father to girls. In fact, I believe 100% that he is the reason God gave us two girls. David is an amazing daddy of daughters and I know my girls will have a leg up in life because he was their Daddy. They will know their worth and know how they are to be treated because of his earthly example of love and leadership. He would also be great with a boy, but even he said it makes sense for him to be surrounded by women. He loves it. Also, who says my girls are going to be pink wearing ballerinas or my son will love dirt and ball? We have children to raise them into God loving, kind, caring adults, not to make little miniature versions of ourselves.
I feel better now!
First of all, who says I want to try for one more baby? Not me. I love pregnancy and birth and I love my children, but I think I'm all done. I've had two cesareans, and while many women have great experiences having 3 even 4 of them, I don't think that's a good option for me. I had a hard time healing after the first one and I don't want to chance it again. That being said I don't think I would have a third baby even if I had been able to have a vaginal birth with Eden. I have a story to illustrate my point. A few moths ago just after we moved into our new home Emaline and I were down in the basement pulling out Christmas decor. She found the baby bouncer chair and pulled the little toy that makes a song play. I heard the song and all of a sudden my heart started racing and I got anxious. The reason I felt that way is because when my babies were newborns that sound meant they were discontent and about to need nursed/changed/held etc. The music made me nervous that someone needed me urgently RIGHT NOW and I realized that the idea of a newborn made me feel anxiety. I didn't think about the sweetness, or the smells or their tiny bodies, I thought about work. And sleeplessness. I think that says a lot.
We also plan to adopt soon. Well, relatively soon. We're taking our time and trying to be obedient to the Lord in this. To be honest sometimes I don't want to do this at all. the money and commitment are enough to send me running the other way. However, God has made it clear to us that we are to follow Him and we believe He is leading us toward adoption.
Lastly, if I did have another baby I would be more than happy with another girl. Take that, world. I love having girls and I know about girls. I have all girl stuff. My husband is a tremendous father to girls. In fact, I believe 100% that he is the reason God gave us two girls. David is an amazing daddy of daughters and I know my girls will have a leg up in life because he was their Daddy. They will know their worth and know how they are to be treated because of his earthly example of love and leadership. He would also be great with a boy, but even he said it makes sense for him to be surrounded by women. He loves it. Also, who says my girls are going to be pink wearing ballerinas or my son will love dirt and ball? We have children to raise them into God loving, kind, caring adults, not to make little miniature versions of ourselves.
I feel better now!
Monday, February 11, 2013
1
My Eden Elizabeth is turning one year old in a week. Sigh. I can hardly imagine that it's been that long. What a bittersweet milestone it is when your baby turns one. Since the beginning of February I have been thinking about what I was doing one short year ago and as this week approcahed the memories become more and more vivid.
She is my love bug, my barnacle, as we lovingly call her. She is all about her momma and I love it...most of the time. She is sweet and affectionate, yet fiercely independent when she wants to be.
All week I plan on remembering, celebrating, crying a little and trying to old time still. I am pretty positive Eden will be the last baby I give birth to and that makes this milestone extra hard on me.
She is my love bug, my barnacle, as we lovingly call her. She is all about her momma and I love it...most of the time. She is sweet and affectionate, yet fiercely independent when she wants to be.
All week I plan on remembering, celebrating, crying a little and trying to old time still. I am pretty positive Eden will be the last baby I give birth to and that makes this milestone extra hard on me.
Monday, December 31, 2012
A year in review: 2012
Well, I didn't blog much this year. So I will wrap up the year with a review of the last year of my life.
January: January came in rather warm for Ohio. Normally I love to hibernate and let the snow fly, but this year I was thankful for the lack of ice. It's hard enough to waddle around big and pregnant, let alone with ice on the ground! On the 31st I had my home visit with Michelle and Kathy and felt really ready for the new arrival.
February: On the 17th I woke up to a flood of amniotic fluid and the following day at 4:22 pm. I gave birth to my love Eden Elizabeth. Her birth transformed and healed me in big ways and I fell in love all over again. She has been such a delight and such a reflection of God's promises to me, His child. It's only fitting that her name mean paradise/God's promise.
March: March was pretty average. Not much going on, except for learning how to juggle 2 babies!
April: In April we celebrated Easter as a family of 4 and it was a great Holiday. Probably one of my favorites to date. Emaline also got a miserable ear infection and hand foot and mouth disease. Ick.
May: David turned the big 3-0! We celebrated quietly, per his request. This month we also started looking for a new home in earnest. That was both a fun and annoying experience. Thank God for Stratton Alt!
June: David traveled with the young adults to Norther Ireland for 2 weeks. God worked in and through him in big ways and my husband came home changed for the better. I missed him terribly, but we made it! During that time the girls and I headed to FL with my family for 5 days of sun and surf. What a fun trip!
July: On the 24th my girl Emaline broke her arm. It was a rough night in the ER requiring sedation, but she made it. It could be much worse, but it was rough on her...and us. I also turned 31 and began packing for our move. July was hotter than Hades and I was pretty miserable!
August: David and I finally told God we were "all in" and decided to move forward to adopt a child. We made contact and began the process with Spirit of Faith adoptions. We are in the early stages still, but plan to move ahead in 2013. I am excited and terrified. In the same week we also found a home, put in an offer and went into contract! Whew, that was a busy week. The end of that week Kelli turned 31 and we celebrated at Molly's and that night was a highlight of my summer. Great time with lovely loves. On the 25th my cousin Katie married her longtime man Zachary. Emaline was a flower girl! She did a great job and loved every minute of it! David and I had fun dancing the night away.
September: On the 9th David and I celebrated 6 years of marriage. What a great 6 years it's been. Not always easy, not always fun, but always good. He is for me, and I for him. We celebrated our Emaline Joy's birth by having a huge train themed bash at the farm. Many special friends and family members came and we all had a grand time! On the 14th we closed on our house! That very day we left for WV to attend the wedding of Holly and Joel! What a celebration of love that was!
October: Emaline had surgery to put in tubes and remove her adenoids on the 10th. She was a model patient and did great. Life has been easier since this surgery for her. No more ear infections. My friend Amanda married her military man Dan Hayes on 10/12. It was such a beautiful day and so much fun to be with old friends! We finally moved into our new house on the 21st. It was an easy move and we had lots of help. We settled quickly in and have loved our new hometown. Trick-or-treat was not so fun in the rain, but we had fun anyway. My little angel and clown were a hit.
November: This month I never really saw my hubby because he was readying our old house for the new tenants. He got it all done though and I'm thankful for that. We traveled to Georgia for Thanksgiving for 4 days of family fun. the girls did well in the car. Dare I say better than their parents? Ha! Thanksgiving was fun though. Very warm and sunny with good food and great people.
Emaline also started school at All Saints Preschool. Girlfriend loves it so much!
December: My mom, aunts Jathy and Teri, my grandma and my girls traveled to Indiana to use a family friends' cabin for 4 days. It was probably the autumn highlight. So relaxing and fun! I look forward to this becoming an annual trip! Christmas was extra special this year. We spent the majority of it at our home. It was Eden's first one and she seemed to love it. We really focused on spending time together as a family during Advent. It was a bright season indeed.
Happy new year!
January: January came in rather warm for Ohio. Normally I love to hibernate and let the snow fly, but this year I was thankful for the lack of ice. It's hard enough to waddle around big and pregnant, let alone with ice on the ground! On the 31st I had my home visit with Michelle and Kathy and felt really ready for the new arrival.
February: On the 17th I woke up to a flood of amniotic fluid and the following day at 4:22 pm. I gave birth to my love Eden Elizabeth. Her birth transformed and healed me in big ways and I fell in love all over again. She has been such a delight and such a reflection of God's promises to me, His child. It's only fitting that her name mean paradise/God's promise.
March: March was pretty average. Not much going on, except for learning how to juggle 2 babies!
April: In April we celebrated Easter as a family of 4 and it was a great Holiday. Probably one of my favorites to date. Emaline also got a miserable ear infection and hand foot and mouth disease. Ick.
May: David turned the big 3-0! We celebrated quietly, per his request. This month we also started looking for a new home in earnest. That was both a fun and annoying experience. Thank God for Stratton Alt!
June: David traveled with the young adults to Norther Ireland for 2 weeks. God worked in and through him in big ways and my husband came home changed for the better. I missed him terribly, but we made it! During that time the girls and I headed to FL with my family for 5 days of sun and surf. What a fun trip!
July: On the 24th my girl Emaline broke her arm. It was a rough night in the ER requiring sedation, but she made it. It could be much worse, but it was rough on her...and us. I also turned 31 and began packing for our move. July was hotter than Hades and I was pretty miserable!
August: David and I finally told God we were "all in" and decided to move forward to adopt a child. We made contact and began the process with Spirit of Faith adoptions. We are in the early stages still, but plan to move ahead in 2013. I am excited and terrified. In the same week we also found a home, put in an offer and went into contract! Whew, that was a busy week. The end of that week Kelli turned 31 and we celebrated at Molly's and that night was a highlight of my summer. Great time with lovely loves. On the 25th my cousin Katie married her longtime man Zachary. Emaline was a flower girl! She did a great job and loved every minute of it! David and I had fun dancing the night away.
September: On the 9th David and I celebrated 6 years of marriage. What a great 6 years it's been. Not always easy, not always fun, but always good. He is for me, and I for him. We celebrated our Emaline Joy's birth by having a huge train themed bash at the farm. Many special friends and family members came and we all had a grand time! On the 14th we closed on our house! That very day we left for WV to attend the wedding of Holly and Joel! What a celebration of love that was!
October: Emaline had surgery to put in tubes and remove her adenoids on the 10th. She was a model patient and did great. Life has been easier since this surgery for her. No more ear infections. My friend Amanda married her military man Dan Hayes on 10/12. It was such a beautiful day and so much fun to be with old friends! We finally moved into our new house on the 21st. It was an easy move and we had lots of help. We settled quickly in and have loved our new hometown. Trick-or-treat was not so fun in the rain, but we had fun anyway. My little angel and clown were a hit.
November: This month I never really saw my hubby because he was readying our old house for the new tenants. He got it all done though and I'm thankful for that. We traveled to Georgia for Thanksgiving for 4 days of family fun. the girls did well in the car. Dare I say better than their parents? Ha! Thanksgiving was fun though. Very warm and sunny with good food and great people.
Emaline also started school at All Saints Preschool. Girlfriend loves it so much!
December: My mom, aunts Jathy and Teri, my grandma and my girls traveled to Indiana to use a family friends' cabin for 4 days. It was probably the autumn highlight. So relaxing and fun! I look forward to this becoming an annual trip! Christmas was extra special this year. We spent the majority of it at our home. It was Eden's first one and she seemed to love it. We really focused on spending time together as a family during Advent. It was a bright season indeed.
Happy new year!
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Pray for Peace, people everywhere...
During the Vietnam war there was a man who stood outside the White House
every night holding a single candle. After several weeks, the news
discovered him and a reporter came and said something like, “Sir. Do you
really think that standing here with this candle is going to change the
world’s mind?” And the man looked at him and said, “I don’t stand here
with my candle to change the world. I stand here to keep the world from
changing me.”
I love this. I'm trying to figure out what I can do to keep the world from changing me.
My heart breaks for the mothers, fathers, siblings, husbands, wives and friends who lost their loves on Friday. I am also seriously angry. At who, I don't know. Just pissed off that I have babies in this world and that it is such a terrifying place. Hope will spring forth though. It will because it has to, because I know Love wins. God wins. Lord Jesus, have mercy on us. Come quickly and swiftly, Lord.
For now I will choose to love and I will try to love my enemies.
I love this. I'm trying to figure out what I can do to keep the world from changing me.
My heart breaks for the mothers, fathers, siblings, husbands, wives and friends who lost their loves on Friday. I am also seriously angry. At who, I don't know. Just pissed off that I have babies in this world and that it is such a terrifying place. Hope will spring forth though. It will because it has to, because I know Love wins. God wins. Lord Jesus, have mercy on us. Come quickly and swiftly, Lord.
For now I will choose to love and I will try to love my enemies.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
The other night I watched Little Women (the Winona Ryder version) while I folded my laundry. I love this film so very much. I have always been fascinated with the idea of sisters. I never had one and I always wanted one. In the movie there are 4 sisters who laugh, fight, talk, and love one another fiercely. As I watched my mind wandered to me own girls,the sisters that David and I made.
When Eden was born the first words I said were: "A baby girl! Emaline has a sister! I love you sweet girl!" I did not expect to say that, it was just my reaction to learning I had just delivered another girl. Emaline seemed to know Eden was a girl from the moment I told her I was expecting again. She never once wavered on the fact that I was carrying "a girl baby". Now they are pals. It is THE SWEETEST THING. I literally find myself wiping away joyful tears as I watch my Emaline and Eden playing, laughing and loving on one another. They make each other laugh so hard and it's precious. Emmy also gets her heart broken when her sister is upset. If Eden is crying because she's hurt or upset Emaline comforts her and tries to fix whatever is wrong. She's a great big sister.
They are so much alike and so very different. I wonder; will they fight over clothes, etc. as teenagers? Will they call on each other to share their day to day activities? Will they make fun of David and I with each other? Will they keep each others secrets? Will they find that a big life step doesn't feel real without sharing the news with the other? Will they be like Holly and Heidi? I wonder. It makes me smile as I imagine my sweet baby girls turning into young ladies and knowing that they will grow up together. In my mind the names Emmy and Edy flow as if one word.
Being sisters doesn't guarantee friendship, this I know. Maybe they won't be close, who knows. Yet in my life I have seen more sisters that are best friends and confidants than not. I hope my girls will find this to be true and that they will go on to be thick as thieves as adults.
All I know is that they light up my life. And exhaust the crap out of me.
When Eden was born the first words I said were: "A baby girl! Emaline has a sister! I love you sweet girl!" I did not expect to say that, it was just my reaction to learning I had just delivered another girl. Emaline seemed to know Eden was a girl from the moment I told her I was expecting again. She never once wavered on the fact that I was carrying "a girl baby". Now they are pals. It is THE SWEETEST THING. I literally find myself wiping away joyful tears as I watch my Emaline and Eden playing, laughing and loving on one another. They make each other laugh so hard and it's precious. Emmy also gets her heart broken when her sister is upset. If Eden is crying because she's hurt or upset Emaline comforts her and tries to fix whatever is wrong. She's a great big sister.
They are so much alike and so very different. I wonder; will they fight over clothes, etc. as teenagers? Will they call on each other to share their day to day activities? Will they make fun of David and I with each other? Will they keep each others secrets? Will they find that a big life step doesn't feel real without sharing the news with the other? Will they be like Holly and Heidi? I wonder. It makes me smile as I imagine my sweet baby girls turning into young ladies and knowing that they will grow up together. In my mind the names Emmy and Edy flow as if one word.
Being sisters doesn't guarantee friendship, this I know. Maybe they won't be close, who knows. Yet in my life I have seen more sisters that are best friends and confidants than not. I hope my girls will find this to be true and that they will go on to be thick as thieves as adults.
All I know is that they light up my life. And exhaust the crap out of me.
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