A year in review: 2012

Well, I didn't blog much this year. So I will wrap up the year with a review of the last year of my life.

January: January came in rather warm for Ohio. Normally I love to hibernate and let the snow fly, but this year I was thankful for the lack of ice. It's hard enough to waddle around big and pregnant, let alone with ice on the ground! On the 31st I had my home visit with Michelle and Kathy and felt really ready for the new arrival.

February: On the 17th I woke up to a flood of amniotic fluid and the following day at 4:22 pm. I gave birth to my love Eden Elizabeth. Her birth transformed and healed me in big ways and I fell in love all over again. She has been such a delight and such a reflection of God's promises to me, His child. It's only fitting that her name mean paradise/God's promise.

March: March was pretty average. Not much going on, except for learning how to juggle 2 babies!

April: In April we celebrated Easter as a family of 4 and it was a great Holiday. Probably one of my favorites to date. Emaline also got a miserable ear infection and hand foot and mouth disease. Ick.

May: David turned the big 3-0! We celebrated quietly, per his request. This month we also started looking for a new home in earnest. That was both a fun and annoying experience. Thank God for Stratton Alt!

June: David traveled with the young adults to Norther Ireland for 2 weeks. God worked in and through him in big ways and my husband came home changed for the better. I missed him terribly, but we made it! During that time the girls and I headed to FL with my family for 5 days of sun and surf. What a fun trip!

July: On the 24th my girl Emaline broke her arm. It was a rough night in the ER requiring sedation, but she made it. It could be much worse, but it was rough on her...and us. I also turned 31 and began packing for our move. July was hotter than Hades and I was pretty miserable!

August: David and I finally told God we were "all in" and decided to move forward to adopt a child. We made contact and began the process with Spirit of Faith adoptions. We are in the early stages still, but plan to move ahead in 2013. I am excited and terrified. In the same week we also found a home, put in an offer and went into contract! Whew, that was a busy week. The end of that week Kelli turned 31 and we celebrated at Molly's and that night was a highlight of my summer. Great time with lovely loves. On the 25th my cousin Katie married her longtime man Zachary. Emaline was a flower girl! She did a great job and loved every minute of it! David and I had fun dancing the night away.

September: On the 9th David and I celebrated 6 years of marriage. What a great 6 years it's been. Not always easy, not always fun, but always good. He is for me, and I for him. We celebrated our Emaline Joy's birth by having a huge train themed bash at the farm. Many special friends and family members came and we all had a grand time! On the 14th we closed on our house! That very day we left for WV to attend the wedding of Holly and Joel! What a celebration of love that was!

October: Emaline had surgery to put in tubes and remove her adenoids on the 10th. She was a model patient and did great. Life has been easier since this surgery for her. No more ear infections. My friend Amanda married her military man Dan Hayes on 10/12. It was such a beautiful day and so much fun to be with old friends! We finally moved into our new house on the 21st. It was an easy move and we had lots of help. We settled quickly in and have loved our new hometown. Trick-or-treat was not so fun in the rain, but we had fun anyway. My little angel and clown were a hit.

November: This month I never really saw my hubby because he was readying our old house for the new tenants. He got it all done though and I'm thankful for that. We traveled to Georgia for Thanksgiving for 4 days of family fun. the girls did well in the car. Dare I say better than their parents? Ha! Thanksgiving was fun though. Very warm and sunny with good food and great people.
Emaline also started school at All Saints Preschool. Girlfriend loves it so much!

December: My mom, aunts Jathy and Teri, my grandma and my girls traveled to Indiana to use a family friends' cabin for 4 days. It was probably the autumn highlight. So relaxing and fun! I look forward to this becoming an annual trip! Christmas was extra special this year. We spent the majority of it at our home. It was Eden's first one and she seemed to love it. We really focused on spending time together as a family during Advent. It was a bright season indeed.

Happy new year! 

Pray for Peace, people everywhere...

During the Vietnam war there was a man who stood outside the White House every night holding a single candle. After several weeks, the news discovered him and a reporter came and said something like, “Sir. Do you really think that standing here with this candle is going to change the world’s mind?” And the man looked at him and said, “I don’t stand here with my candle to change the world. I stand here to keep the world from changing me.”

I love this. I'm trying to figure out what I can do to keep the world from changing me.

My heart breaks for the mothers, fathers, siblings, husbands, wives and friends who lost their loves on Friday. I am also seriously angry. At who, I don't know. Just pissed off that I have babies in this world and that it is such a terrifying place. Hope will spring forth though. It will because it has to, because I know Love wins. God wins. Lord Jesus, have mercy on us. Come quickly and swiftly, Lord. 

For now I will choose to love and I will try to love my enemies.

The other night I watched Little Women (the Winona Ryder version) while I folded my laundry. I love this film so very much. I have always been fascinated with the idea of sisters. I never had one and I always wanted one. In the movie there are 4 sisters who laugh, fight, talk, and love one another fiercely. As I watched my mind wandered to me own girls,the sisters that David and I made.

When Eden was born the first words I said were: "A baby girl! Emaline has a sister! I love you sweet girl!" I did not expect to say that, it was just my reaction to learning I had just delivered another girl. Emaline seemed to know Eden was a girl from the moment I told her I was expecting again. She never once wavered on the fact that I was carrying "a girl baby". Now they are pals. It is THE SWEETEST THING. I literally find myself wiping away joyful tears as I watch my Emaline and Eden playing, laughing and loving on one another. They make each other laugh so hard and it's precious. Emmy also gets her heart broken when her sister is upset. If Eden is crying because she's hurt or upset Emaline comforts her and tries to fix whatever is wrong. She's a great big sister.

They are so much alike and so very different. I wonder; will they fight over clothes, etc. as teenagers? Will they call on each other to share their day to day activities? Will they make fun of David and I with each other? Will they keep each others secrets? Will they find that a big life step doesn't feel real without sharing the news with the other? Will they be like Holly and Heidi? I wonder. It makes me smile as I imagine my sweet baby girls turning into young ladies and knowing that they will grow up together. In my mind the names Emmy and Edy flow as if one word.

Being sisters doesn't guarantee friendship, this I know. Maybe they won't be close, who knows. Yet in my life I have seen more sisters that are best friends and confidants than not. I hope my girls will find this to be true and that they will go on to be thick as thieves as adults.

All I know is that they light up my life. And exhaust the crap out of me.

My favorite part...

Breastfeeding. It ain't easy. I was HELL BENT on nursing sweet Eden. After being unable to both mentally and physically with Emaline I knew if I was ever blessed with another baby I would do things differently so I could nurse successfully. Well, my girl is all about the boob. I mean really, she loves it more than anything, and that fills my heart. Hear are a few of the reasons I love it, even if it is is hard work. (Well, not so hard anymore, but those first two weeks are tough. I'd say now it's more of a personal sacrifice rather than a hardship. A sacrifice I make gladly!

10. It's FREE!
9. Only I can give it to her.
8. It's super convenient! No bottle cleaning...hooray!
7. It helps me lose weight!
6. It's healing to my mommy heart.
5. It's the best thing for her.
4. It's a bonding experience.
3. Her "milk drunk" state after a good feeding.
2. The ease of night feedings.
1. The way her little face eases and her eyes roll back into her head as if she is in ecstasy. THIS is my favorite part. It makes me feel all tingly with love for her and it gives me a great sense of pride that I can do that for her.

I'm taking this one day at a time, and loving it.

My birth story...

Sometimes you have to be cut to be healed. Sometimes facing your biggest fear is what brings freedom from that fear. Here is the birth story (and some background information) of my second daughter, Eden Elizabeth.

When I got a positive pregnancy test on June 16, 2011 I knew one think for certain. I was NOT going to have a cesarean like I did with my first daughter, Emaline. I had been traumatized by my failed induction turned cesarean and the extremely difficult recovery. This traumatic birth set me on a path and changed my world in every way imaginable. I had done my research and I knew my options. I knew in my heart that planning a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) was what I wanted and what was optimal for my new baby and I. In the years between my first and second pregnancy I did everything I could do to make this goal possible. I lost 70 pounds, found a supportive midwife, read everything about VBAC I could get my hands on and went to a counselor to work through my birth and pregnancy related fears. To say I was prepared for this pregnancy was a true understatement.

My pregnancy was pretty wonderful and a complete 180 from my first one. While I did vomit for about 14 weeks in the beginning, I had no real health problems to speak of. With Emaline I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes (GD) at 11 weeks and had high blood pressure, both of which required medication. This time my blood pressure and glucose levels were normal thanks to my weight loss. I received prenatal care from a wonderful midwife and bean to plan my home birth. I was so excited and confident in this choice and so was my midwife. Things progressed like normal throughout my pregnancy and before I knew it I was 37 weeks, full term! My due date was February 26, 2012 but I was so convinced this baby would be late that I told my family that I was due March 10 just so they wouldn’t hound me about when the baby was coming. (This was a BRILLIANT decision!)

When my water broke 9 days before my estimated due date (EDD) I was shocked. I had been given a cervical check to help my midwife get a good feel of baby and his/her position (we did not know the gender) my cervix was so high and posterior that my midwife couldn’t tell how dilated or effaced I was. I thought I had weeks. WRONG! I woke up at 6 am to, yet again; use the restroom, when I had a gush of water followed by pink discharge. I was so very excited to wake my husband, David, and tell him IT’S TIME! I was induced the first time and was robbed of this joy. Regular contractions started by 8 am and I alerted my birth team (I told them not to come just yet), sent Emaline to my parent’s house and tried to rest. I was scheduled for a prenatal massage that morning and the massage therapist graciously said she would come to me! The massage therapist is also one of my midwife’s two apprentices. She arrived around ten am and I was already having to work through contractions! She called my midwife and doula and told them to come over. One by one my midwife, doula, apprentice midwife and best friend were here to support and encourage me.

There was a notable difference in my contractions by one pm. They were intense and I was serious through them and in between them. I asked for a cervical check because I just had to know. I was 3-4 and I was happy with that! I wanted to get in the tub but was apprehensive. I was afraid they would make contractions stop. I decided around three that it was worth a try. True confession: I didn’t care for the tub. This surprised me quite a bit. I found that I needed leverage and that the weightlessness made me feel out of control, so the tub was short lived. I tried the shower but didn’t like that either. At this point I was beginning to feel a great deal of rectal pressure and started to vomit quite a bit. I was also shaking uncontrollably so my midwife thought it could be transition, but I knew it wasn’t just yet. She checked me and I was about 6 cm and 0 station. More progress, but I was getting tired and feeling like I couldn’t do it. This is when I found my rhythm with the help of a stern talking to from my husband and my doula. They reminded me of what I was capable of and what I was already doing. Before I knew it I was verbalizing “Whooooooooooooa” and counting in my head to get through contractions. This was my “Laborland”. All the while I was praying quietly to myself, asking Jesus to help me surrender and to give me strength. I never asked to be removed from the pain but rather to let it happen and to ride it out.

This must have worked because by 6:11 pm. I was 9.5 centimeters dilated and begging to push through contractions! My midwife could feel an anterior lip of cervix and told me to breathe through the contractions so that my cervix wouldn’t swell from premature pushing. This proved to be impossible. I literally couldn’t help but to push, and sure enough I swelled a bit. My midwife could stretch my cervix to a 10 when I was on my back and encouraged me to push while she stretched the cervix. This now sounds awful, but it was such a relief! I couldn’t move the baby down past the lip so I tried getting back in the tub, walking up and down the stairs and everything else I could think of but my body still felt insane amounts of pressure and I could not stop from pushing. An hour or so later she checked me and I had gone back down to 7-8 centimeters. SO DISCOURAGING.

It was at this point (around 10 pm) that I finally verbalized that I was serious and I wanted to go to the hospital. I wanted to stop pushing and let myself dilate and I was beginning to believe that the only way this would happen was if I had an epidural. I began sobbing and telling my birth team I felt like a failure but that I wanted to transfer. I knew in my heart that I could not stop the pushing and that I was doing harm to my opening cervix. My birth team encouraged me, but I think they believed that transferring was a good option for me. I was bouncing around between 7-9.5 cm. and my contractions were only about 30-45 seconds long but crazy intense. This was a hard decision, but in the end I felt good about it. By 11:30 we were on our way to Grant Medical Center.

When we got to Grant I was dilated to 9 cm, baby was doing great, but my contractions were short, albeit intense. I was admitted and given an epidural. I thought for sure I would take a nap, wake up ready to push and I’d have my baby. I was wrong. My contractions had completely stopped because of the epidural. The on call doctor said a low dose of pitocin would be fine, but they did nothing to give any contractions. At 7 am there was a shift change and I was introduced to my new nurse and the doctor on call. I didn’t know it at the time, but this was a huge blessing. My nurse, Felicia, told me she wanted what I wanted and as long as baby looked good we could proceed for as long as I wanted. Meanwhile my membranes had been ruptured 25 hours. She treated me as if I was her only patient and gave me excellent care. She helped me move into different positions, even though I was dead weight, in order to get gravity on my side. She never once said I should have a cesarean even though I think she knew it was a real possibility. By two o’clock I was very discouraged, 7 centimeters dilated, and not having contractions even with pitocin. I finally started talking about having a cesarean.

The on call physician, Dr. Hart, came in at 2:40 and we talked for awhile. He was amazing. I asked him all sorts of questions about my labor stall and what he thought I should do. He answered the questions so gently and calmly and really listened to me. I felt at ease. After he left I spoke with my husband, doula and friend and I uttered the words “I don’t want to have a cesarean, butat this point I know I need one”. Dr. Hart was summoned back in and I told him I was ready to have a cesarean, but that I had some requests. He obliged to almost all of them, but I’ll get to that later. My birth team and I then had an incredibly beautiful time of prayer where I cried and then submitted to what was happening. I was flooded with an overwhelming sense of peace from God and knew in my heart that He was with me and that all of this was part of my story and part of my healing.

I was wheeled into the OR at 3:55 or so and my husband came back ten minutes later once I was prepped and ready to go. Dr. Hart began the surgery promptly after David came in. He talked to me every step of the way. At 4:20 Dr. Hart told me he was “walking out” my sweet baby and it wouldn’t be long now. Instead of intense fundal pressure he gently pulled my baby out into a bright but serene and quiet OR. At 4:22 he said “Baby is born!” He held her up for me to see and my husband called out “It’s a GIRL! It’s Eden Elizabeth!” I started sobbing and saying “A GIRL! A GIRL! Emaline has a sister!” I was fully with it and already in love. Dr. Hart allowed 4 or 5 minutes to for her cord to stop pulsing so she could get all the blood from it. Then they wrapped her up, did a quick suction and laid her on my chest with the help of David and a nurse. Dr. Hart then began to sew me up layer by layer and talked to me through the whole thing. He used sutures instead of staples at my request. He even told me twice that he was very careful to cauterize all the blood vessels to prevent a hematoma like I had last time. He was an angel. While this was happening my sweet husband was busy holding our sweet Eden skin to skin under his scrubs. He removed his shirt before coming into the OR so he could do this. No one batted an eye. In what seemed like no time I was ready to go to recovery. On our way there they gave Eden to me to hold skin to skin. I cried again. Then on the way there (a two minute ride) she began rooting. I led her down to my breast and SHE LATCHED without one problem. She stayed there for an hour. No one tried to take her from me to be weighed, given a bath or checked out. Her Apgar’s were 9 and 9 and done in our arms. When they came in to do her checks it was only after I called them in when she was done nursing. No one even asked to take her. It was AMAZING.

Eden Elizabeth Fessehazion was born at 4:22 pm on February 18, 2012. She weighed 8 lbs. 5 oz. and was 20.5 inches long. She wasn’t born the way I had envisioned. In fact she was born in a way that I was terrified of. What I wanted was a peaceful, quiet birth at home surrounded by loving family and friends and a health care provider that was skilled and supportive of my wishes. I ended up with a peaceful quiet birth in an OR with a husband who was so supportive of every decision made and a team of doctors and nurses who I just met but who were eager to support my wishes. Even as I type this I am flooded with tears. It was beautiful and empowering and fulfilling and it was a cesarean. I am glad it turned out the way it did.

I don’t feel like a failure one bit. Truth be told, I feel like a rock star. I labored at home for 15 hours. Then I rode in a car to the hospital and labored there for another 16 hours, although a majority of that was with an epidural. I have no idea why my labor stalled out at 9.5 centimeters. My midwife said it was not my pelvis and that I had plenty of room from what she could tell. I have no idea why my contractions stopped although Dr. Hart says my uterus just grew tired and stopped contracting. Who knows? What I do know is that I feel at peace with what happened. I know I did everything I could do to bring Eden into this world in the safest way possible. I wanted a VBAC but I got a CBAC that I am proud of. Most importantly I got Eden Elizabeth.

Weather

I really love winter. Really. Most people grin and bare it, but not me. That's sort of how I feel about summer. I don't love the heat. I love being outside, barbecues, swimming, and the fact that it stays light out for much longer. This winter has been pretty disappointing to me. Don't get me wrong, it's had it's perks but really I WANT SNOW. I want a good solid ground covering snowfall. I want to play outside (or just walk...) with my daughter. I want to come in out of the cold to some soup and a mug of hot cocoa. I want to sit by the fire with my love wrapped under blankets and watch the snow fly. Is that too much to ask?

Oh well. I will settle for having a warm home and food on the table. At least it's not 90 out!

The indignaties or pregnancy...

I love being pregnant...most of the time. There are times though when it's hard. I blog for me mostly and I thought I'd write a little about the not so fun parts. It's not all joy and wonder and bliss. It also means:

*I pee my pants when I sneeze, cough or laugh too hard. I mean I really do pee. My. PANTS.
*It feels like the baby is going to come out of my crotch any second.
*There is very little sleep.
*I have some pretty intense lower pack pain.
*My feet go numb when I sit on the floor (which is often because I have a 2 year old)
*I can't poop. Gross but true.
*Getting out of bed is a tough job.

That being said, I wouldn't trade the experience of growing these little souls. I love it.

Bob

My heart is heavy today. On Sunday I learned that my neighbor and friend, Bob Carter, passed away after having had a massive stroke about a week before that. I keep thinking that it's just not fair. Bob has 4 children, two adult girls and two young sons. He also has a loving wife. He loves the Lord and lives that out in ways I have honestly marveled at. Really and truly, I have. I have had the blessing of living across the street from him since 2005 when I bought this home. During that time I have come to know Bob, Melaney, Henry and Gus well. I coached soccer with Bob in my pre-baby days even. We looked out for one anothers homes and helped each other out. We were real, true neighbors and I love that.

I wonder why he had to die. Why him? Why now? He home-schools his two boys, is very active in Franklinton and a leader in his church. So, why him? I am no stranger to death and the unfairness of it all. I have watched as many dear ones to me passed away leaving a mess behind them. Here's what I think: We care a tremendous amount more about our lives on Earth than God does. This life is a flash in the pan to Him who is eternal. It is meaningless to Him in a way, but this is all we know and we hold onto it with everything we are because our human minds are simple and cannot grasp the fullness of the Kingdom of God. God loves us and wants us to comfort us and answer our prayers, this I believe. I can't buy into the idea that "God needed another angel in Heaven" or "So much good will come out of the loss of this one". Maybe those things are true, maybe not. What I can but into is that our lives here on Earth are brief and that they are surely not the point of our creation. We were created to be a part of the Kingdom.

I am going to post Bob's obituary. It made me weep because it's so beautiful and simple. Bib was incredible. I will miss him often.

CARTER Robert "Bob" Stewart Carter, November 4, 1958 - January 15, 2012. A wonderful man who trusted God, accepted and enjoyed God's love for him, and sought to glorify God in his life. A graduate of Ohio University and Princeton Theological Seminary. A man who served God by serving the homeless for many years in Athens and Columbus, Ohio, by serving children in the Franklinton community through teaching preschool, Sunday school, and afterschool Bible Club, and coaching soccer, and by serving all who would receive his words and acts of encouragement. Survived by a grieving wife, Melaney Anne Fullerton Carter, who misses him terribly but hopes to see him again in God's house (John 14:2); by two daughters, Jessica Laurel Carter and Sarah Elizabeth Wood Carter; and two sons, Charles Henry Carter and Robert Augustine Carter; by loving parents, Robert and Marlene Carter; by brother, David (Christina) Carter; and sister, Michelle (John) Eades; by parents-in-law, Gary and June Fullerton; by sister-in-law, Jennifer (Joe) Reardon; and brother-in-law, Paul (Sarah) Fullerton; and by many other relatives and friends. The family will receive friends beginning at 1 p.m. with a Celebration of Life Service to begin at 2 p.m. on Wednesday, January 18, 2012 at the Youth for Christ City Life Center, 40 Chicago Ave., Columbus, OH 43222. In lieu of flowers, please consider making a contribution in Bob's memory to Good Works, Inc., PO Box 4, Athens, OH 45701; Gladden Community House, 183 Hawkes Ave., Columbus, OH 43223; or Xenos Christian Fellowship, Humanitarian Aid Fund, 1340 Community Park Drive, Columbus, OH 43229. Arrangements by RUTHERFORD-SHROYER FUNERAL HOME, 1278 W. Broad Street, Columbus, OH 43222. Condolences for the family may be sent to: www.rutherfordfuneralhomes.com.

1 Cor 15:54-55 When our perishable earthly bodies have been transformed into heavenly bodies that will never die -- then at last the Scriptures will come true: "Death is swallowed up in victory. O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?"