Sometimes you have to be cut to be healed. Sometimes facing your biggest fear is what brings freedom from that fear. Here is the birth story (and some background information) of my second daughter, Eden Elizabeth.
When I got a positive pregnancy test on June 16, 2011 I knew one think for certain. I was NOT going to have a cesarean like I did with my first daughter, Emaline. I had been traumatized by my failed induction turned cesarean and the extremely difficult recovery. This traumatic birth set me on a path and changed my world in every way imaginable. I had done my research and I knew my options. I knew in my heart that planning a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) was what I wanted and what was optimal for my new baby and I. In the years between my first and second pregnancy I did everything I could do to make this goal possible. I lost 70 pounds, found a supportive midwife, read everything about VBAC I could get my hands on and went to a counselor to work through my birth and pregnancy related fears. To say I was prepared for this pregnancy was a true understatement.
My pregnancy was pretty wonderful and a complete 180 from my first one. While I did vomit for about 14 weeks in the beginning, I had no real health problems to speak of. With Emaline I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes (GD) at 11 weeks and had high blood pressure, both of which required medication. This time my blood pressure and glucose levels were normal thanks to my weight loss. I received prenatal care from a wonderful midwife and bean to plan my home birth. I was so excited and confident in this choice and so was my midwife. Things progressed like normal throughout my pregnancy and before I knew it I was 37 weeks, full term! My due date was February 26, 2012 but I was so convinced this baby would be late that I told my family that I was due March 10 just so they wouldn’t hound me about when the baby was coming. (This was a BRILLIANT decision!)
When my water broke 9 days before my estimated due date (EDD) I was shocked. I had been given a cervical check to help my midwife get a good feel of baby and his/her position (we did not know the gender) my cervix was so high and posterior that my midwife couldn’t tell how dilated or effaced I was. I thought I had weeks. WRONG! I woke up at 6 am to, yet again; use the restroom, when I had a gush of water followed by pink discharge. I was so very excited to wake my husband, David, and tell him IT’S TIME! I was induced the first time and was robbed of this joy. Regular contractions started by 8 am and I alerted my birth team (I told them not to come just yet), sent Emaline to my parent’s house and tried to rest. I was scheduled for a prenatal massage that morning and the massage therapist graciously said she would come to me! The massage therapist is also one of my midwife’s two apprentices. She arrived around ten am and I was already having to work through contractions! She called my midwife and doula and told them to come over. One by one my midwife, doula, apprentice midwife and best friend were here to support and encourage me.
There was a notable difference in my contractions by one pm. They were intense and I was serious through them and in between them. I asked for a cervical check because I just had to know. I was 3-4 and I was happy with that! I wanted to get in the tub but was apprehensive. I was afraid they would make contractions stop. I decided around three that it was worth a try. True confession: I didn’t care for the tub. This surprised me quite a bit. I found that I needed leverage and that the weightlessness made me feel out of control, so the tub was short lived. I tried the shower but didn’t like that either. At this point I was beginning to feel a great deal of rectal pressure and started to vomit quite a bit. I was also shaking uncontrollably so my midwife thought it could be transition, but I knew it wasn’t just yet. She checked me and I was about 6 cm and 0 station. More progress, but I was getting tired and feeling like I couldn’t do it. This is when I found my rhythm with the help of a stern talking to from my husband and my doula. They reminded me of what I was capable of and what I was already doing. Before I knew it I was verbalizing “Whooooooooooooa” and counting in my head to get through contractions. This was my “Laborland”. All the while I was praying quietly to myself, asking Jesus to help me surrender and to give me strength. I never asked to be removed from the pain but rather to let it happen and to ride it out.
This must have worked because by 6:11 pm. I was 9.5 centimeters dilated and begging to push through contractions! My midwife could feel an anterior lip of cervix and told me to breathe through the contractions so that my cervix wouldn’t swell from premature pushing. This proved to be impossible. I literally couldn’t help but to push, and sure enough I swelled a bit. My midwife could stretch my cervix to a 10 when I was on my back and encouraged me to push while she stretched the cervix. This now sounds awful, but it was such a relief! I couldn’t move the baby down past the lip so I tried getting back in the tub, walking up and down the stairs and everything else I could think of but my body still felt insane amounts of pressure and I could not stop from pushing. An hour or so later she checked me and I had gone back down to 7-8 centimeters. SO DISCOURAGING.
It was at this point (around 10 pm) that I finally verbalized that I was serious and I wanted to go to the hospital. I wanted to stop pushing and let myself dilate and I was beginning to believe that the only way this would happen was if I had an epidural. I began sobbing and telling my birth team I felt like a failure but that I wanted to transfer. I knew in my heart that I could not stop the pushing and that I was doing harm to my opening cervix. My birth team encouraged me, but I think they believed that transferring was a good option for me. I was bouncing around between 7-9.5 cm. and my contractions were only about 30-45 seconds long but crazy intense. This was a hard decision, but in the end I felt good about it. By 11:30 we were on our way to Grant Medical Center.
When we got to Grant I was dilated to 9 cm, baby was doing great, but my contractions were short, albeit intense. I was admitted and given an epidural. I thought for sure I would take a nap, wake up ready to push and I’d have my baby. I was wrong. My contractions had completely stopped because of the epidural. The on call doctor said a low dose of pitocin would be fine, but they did nothing to give any contractions. At 7 am there was a shift change and I was introduced to my new nurse and the doctor on call. I didn’t know it at the time, but this was a huge blessing. My nurse, Felicia, told me she wanted what I wanted and as long as baby looked good we could proceed for as long as I wanted. Meanwhile my membranes had been ruptured 25 hours. She treated me as if I was her only patient and gave me excellent care. She helped me move into different positions, even though I was dead weight, in order to get gravity on my side. She never once said I should have a cesarean even though I think she knew it was a real possibility. By two o’clock I was very discouraged, 7 centimeters dilated, and not having contractions even with pitocin. I finally started talking about having a cesarean.
The on call physician, Dr. Hart, came in at 2:40 and we talked for awhile. He was amazing. I asked him all sorts of questions about my labor stall and what he thought I should do. He answered the questions so gently and calmly and really listened to me. I felt at ease. After he left I spoke with my husband, doula and friend and I uttered the words “I don’t want to have a cesarean, butat this point I know I need one”. Dr. Hart was summoned back in and I told him I was ready to have a cesarean, but that I had some requests. He obliged to almost all of them, but I’ll get to that later. My birth team and I then had an incredibly beautiful time of prayer where I cried and then submitted to what was happening. I was flooded with an overwhelming sense of peace from God and knew in my heart that He was with me and that all of this was part of my story and part of my healing.
I was wheeled into the OR at 3:55 or so and my husband came back ten minutes later once I was prepped and ready to go. Dr. Hart began the surgery promptly after David came in. He talked to me every step of the way. At 4:20 Dr. Hart told me he was “walking out” my sweet baby and it wouldn’t be long now. Instead of intense fundal pressure he gently pulled my baby out into a bright but serene and quiet OR. At 4:22 he said “Baby is born!” He held her up for me to see and my husband called out “It’s a GIRL! It’s Eden Elizabeth!” I started sobbing and saying “A GIRL! A GIRL! Emaline has a sister!” I was fully with it and already in love. Dr. Hart allowed 4 or 5 minutes to for her cord to stop pulsing so she could get all the blood from it. Then they wrapped her up, did a quick suction and laid her on my chest with the help of David and a nurse. Dr. Hart then began to sew me up layer by layer and talked to me through the whole thing. He used sutures instead of staples at my request. He even told me twice that he was very careful to cauterize all the blood vessels to prevent a hematoma like I had last time. He was an angel. While this was happening my sweet husband was busy holding our sweet Eden skin to skin under his scrubs. He removed his shirt before coming into the OR so he could do this. No one batted an eye. In what seemed like no time I was ready to go to recovery. On our way there they gave Eden to me to hold skin to skin. I cried again. Then on the way there (a two minute ride) she began rooting. I led her down to my breast and SHE LATCHED without one problem. She stayed there for an hour. No one tried to take her from me to be weighed, given a bath or checked out. Her Apgar’s were 9 and 9 and done in our arms. When they came in to do her checks it was only after I called them in when she was done nursing. No one even asked to take her. It was AMAZING.
Eden Elizabeth Fessehazion was born at 4:22 pm on February 18, 2012. She weighed 8 lbs. 5 oz. and was 20.5 inches long. She wasn’t born the way I had envisioned. In fact she was born in a way that I was terrified of. What I wanted was a peaceful, quiet birth at home surrounded by loving family and friends and a health care provider that was skilled and supportive of my wishes. I ended up with a peaceful quiet birth in an OR with a husband who was so supportive of every decision made and a team of doctors and nurses who I just met but who were eager to support my wishes. Even as I type this I am flooded with tears. It was beautiful and empowering and fulfilling and it was a cesarean. I am glad it turned out the way it did.
I don’t feel like a failure one bit. Truth be told, I feel like a rock star. I labored at home for 15 hours. Then I rode in a car to the hospital and labored there for another 16 hours, although a majority of that was with an epidural. I have no idea why my labor stalled out at 9.5 centimeters. My midwife said it was not my pelvis and that I had plenty of room from what she could tell. I have no idea why my contractions stopped although Dr. Hart says my uterus just grew tired and stopped contracting. Who knows? What I do know is that I feel at peace with what happened. I know I did everything I could do to bring Eden into this world in the safest way possible. I wanted a VBAC but I got a CBAC that I am proud of. Most importantly I got Eden Elizabeth.
