So tired of fighting...

I have been on this weight loss journey for 13 months now, and let me tell you, I'M TIRED OF FIGHTING. Everyday is a constant struggle within myself. Well, that's dramatic, but many days feel like a huge battle. I think maybe I'm just burning out, losing steam. If I'm perfectly honest I'd say I am almost always hungry. I'm on weight watchers, which works, but I feel like I'm always fighting the urge to eat. Admittedly sometimes I just want to eat, but most of the time I am just honest to God hungry. Going to the gym is also getting lower on my list of fun ways to spend my time. Like I said, I think I may be burning out. Maybe I should take a break. How can I do that now though when I'm so close to my goal? I think I'm going to just take a week off. I need it. The most difficult part is that I feel like this war is never going to end. I have come to realize that even when I get to that blessed number I will have to keep working to stay there. I won't get to stop trying and go back to old ways or else I'll be right back where I started. No, quitting isn't an option. I still want this, I still need this. My loved ones need it. Even more than all that, God has asked me to do it. Yes, I know that's a crazy bold statement, but for me it's true. I have always known my weight was a spiritual issue. I've felt "convicted" about it so many times, but have run away. Now is the time and I know it. I have felt the presence of God in every step of this road and know that now I need to keep at it, even though it's harder than ever.

I sometimes wonder when I'll feel like I'm done, when it's been enough. When I started I wanted 2 things: to weigh a certain amount, and wear a size 12. Well, I got one down, 7 more pounds to go and I still feel like a heifer. The truth is, I don't really see it. I look at myself on most days and see the hanging skin and the love handles and the spare tire and think I look pretty rough. Others see it and give me reassuring compliments, but I still don't see it. I even have a hard time buying the right size clothes, forgetting that this body is different. I don't need an XL anymore, I don't need plus sized tights, etc. I automatically go fo the old standards and forget! Yet, I am still not happy. I'm not sure what to do about it. I think so many women struggle in this area. I know I'm helthier and I surely feel better, but what's a girl to do when the mirror and the mind don't match?

shoulder...

i tore my rotator cuff, and that just plain old sucks. i trained with chris (my amazing trainer) today and he workeed around it and man, my legs are singing to me today for sure. i actually feel loike i've got flu symptoms i'm so sore, and i pay for this torture! down two more pounds today but no weigh in last week so it seems i'm doing about a pound a week and that's fine by me. after a 4 month plateau this fall i'll take anything i can get.

i had my good friend rachel cut emaline's bangs on saturday and she looks even more adorable! such a toddler look to her now, and it makes me sad, but in a very good way.

i think i've found my new ob/gyn in dr. frank isabelle of women's contemporary health care. their practice has 4 doctors and two midwives and i can see any one of them specifically or all of them at once if i want. they said all the right things without knowing my agenda and made me feel at ease. dr. isabelle actually gave me a hug, which i found totally charming in a doctor. they want to review my post operative note but they think i could be a good vbac candidate if that's what i choose. still on the fence about that. i need to blog about what dr. isabelle had to say about the rising c-section rate (33% of all births in the US). for the record, his is onl 9%, which i find amazing.

to cut or not to cut...

emaline needs her bangs trimmed and has for some time. i'm not quite sure if i'm ready for this though. she is turning more and more into a little girl and it makes me feel a bit sad. she went from being connected to me and living inside of me, to completely dependent on me and now she is really gaining independence and wanting to do so much on her own. this is the goal of parenting but it feels depressing today for some reason. people will tell you it goes too fast and that you will miss these days but it's hard to believe how fast it really does go by. my baby girl is 16 months old. she is walking and talking so much, feeding herself with a spoon, and telling me when she wants/needs a new diaper. we even got the potty out this month and she's showing an interest already. she seems to be her mother's daughter and wants to be independent and self-sufficient. she's playing by herself better these days and i find that i can fold a load of laundry or get dinner going while she entertains herself. that being said, i have to watch her like a hawk. the girl can climb. she has climbed up onto the table, her highchair, and once out of her crib. she is a doll and i love the little lady she is becoming, even if it's too fast for my liking.

rambles...

my daughter has been sick for a month. it sucks pretty bad for a lot of reasons. obviously because she doesn't feel well and that makes me sad for her. it also interferes with her sleep, which weighs on us all. one other reason it sucks is because it makes me feel inadequate as a momma because breastfeeding didn't pan out for us as we'd have hoped. i can't help but wonder if i had been able to nurse her for longer if my poor girl would be going through this right now. i have often said that our breastfeeding issues were harder for me to deal with than my cesarean and subsequent hematoma. it's true. nothing thus far in mothering has been more infuriating and depressing as my "inability" to nurse my baby. 16 months after her birth it still makes me feel self conscious and in a word, less. less of a woman, a mother, a fighter, you name it...less. rationally i can explain what are issues were and can even accept them. emotionally i still can't. as i think and prepare for the birth of #2 down the road my biggest concern is not vbac, or scheduled c/s, or post-op issues returning, but rather breastfeeding. what birth will help me be able to nurse my second baby with greather ease than last time? no answers yet. it hurts me to see and hear other moms succesfully nursing their babies. all those insecurities just come to the surface. i can't also help but feel as if some women want to make me feel that way. i'm probably just paranoid. when i get down on my body and it's supposed "failure to progress" and failure to produce (milk in my case) it's easy to feel defeated and even angry with my bod. i've recently been introduced to a website called "shape of a mother". wow. countless numbers of women are there sharing pictures and stories of how their bodies made life, milk, and pleasure. this has inspired me to be less critical of myself and all my shortcomings. the truth is that i grew emaline in my body, and she is perfection. healthy, strong, beautiful, smart and full of love. my body may ot have been allowed to act the way it was intended because of medicine and pain, but it did it's job of growing a life. looking at my scar and flab and sagginess reminds me of my journey. my journey as a mother of course, but also of my journey as myself.

i haven't always been kind to my body. in fact i've usually been downright abusive to it. having a baby grow inside me taught me more than i can even convey and it turned my life upside down. or should i say right side up? this week was a personal milestone for a few reasons. 1.)i'm within 10 lbs. of my original goal weight. 2.) my body fat % is in the normal range and 3.) i'm wearing a size ten jeans. that's all wonderful but what's even better is that for the first time i can really see it. i was running on the treadmill the other day and there was a window in front of me and i could see my reflection. i try not to see myself often while exercising. too much flopping and bouncing if ya know what i mean! but on this day when i saw myself i saw something different. i look different. i look better. i feel better. could it be that i am really turning into myself? does the mirror reflect what i actually feel? as i read over this i feel self concious for tooting my own horn while at the same time realizing that these words don't capture what i feel. there aren't really even words for it. this body that i have for years hated and hidden and cursed has changed. i changed it. i am still changing it. it's not out of hate for it that i have done this, but rather love for it. love for the round soft self that carried my child, loved my husband, carried around my heart and mind, and represented me to the world. having emaline taught me to love this body enough to change it and care for it. even love it. not just for her or her father, but for me.

new doc...

today i bit the bullet and made a consultation appointment with a new ob/gyn. i have to switch doctors because i'm now covered under david's osu insurance. while i'm super grateful to have health insurance, i'm really sad that i have to leave dr. k's practice. he was the first doctor i ever had where i felt truly comfortable and knew he was hearing me. an ob/gyn is a very personal doctor and i beleive that i need to be totally comfortable with whoever i choose. right now i'm just setting up consultations and will pick a doctor from the interviews. let's hope dr. landon from osu lives up to the stellar recommendations i received about him. my doula friend told me that he wrote what is probably the most important piece of research concerning vbac in the last 10 years. he also specializes in diabetes in pregnancy and since i had sugar issues with e.j. that was like music to my ears. i just wish our healthcare system wasn't so... not even sure of the word. i just wish people were put first rather than dollars. i'm thankful that i have been empowered by so many strong women out there to take ownership of my health care and not just pick a name out of the yellow pages and use them just because they're in my network. let the search begin...

auld lang syne

new year's eve is the most overrated holiday to me. mostly because the month of january just plain ole bums me out. it's bitter cold, gray and all the festivities of the holiday's are over. the lights are gone, the tree is gone, blech. i just get sad. plus, with a new year comes a lot of unknowns. i realize that each minute is an unknown but a whole blank year leaves me feeling more than slightly unnerved. this year i have no plans. david is heading to atlanta, ga for a conference with our church young adult group. he'll be gone for 4 whole nights! I WILL MISS HIM. i too was asked to go but can't bear 4 nights away from my sweet girl. this means that when the ball drops it will be me and my girl alone, and she will be asleep. i think i'll just get a fire going, pour some wine and spend the evening reading and avoiding the television. fine by me. maybe i can pretend "helluary" didn't come...

Mary

I read Luke 2 to David last night with the light of the Advent wreath glowing. It was a beautiful, quiet time for us. This chapter has been read to me hundreds of times through the course of my life. For some reason verse 19 stuck out to me in a new way. It says: "But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart". Wow. She was ondering and treasuring the idea that her son was also her savior, her redeemer. THE LIGHT OF THE WORLD. What most this young first time mother have been going through?

Last year was Emaline's first Christmas. My first Christmas as a mother. I can remember the hours and days after she was laid in my arms and think about all the promise that she held. My child is pure and blameless. A gift, my JOY. I thought about what she might become, who she might love, and what will bring her happiness. It blows my mind that Jesus, my strong Jesus, was a baby laying in his mother's arms. Mary probably had similar thoughts about his future as I did with Emaline. Yet she knew he was also God with us. Emmanuel. She knew he was her savior, yet she gave him life. Right now I feel electric with the hope and light that is Christmas. For the first time maybe ever in all my life I think I understand a little about the mystery. REJOICE!