Tom

My grandpa Tom is in the hospital in the last stages of heart failure. He is all the way in south Georgia and I can't get there to see him, but he is not far from my mind. I wish I could go and see him and hear him tell me stories about our trip to Australia or to hear him say his coined phrase "I hate old people". He's a wonderful, caring, tough, funny man who I love dearly.

The thing about him that I want to always remember is that to him family is not just about blood relation. He is not biologically my grandpa. Not in any way. He is the step father of my step mother, but he is my grandpa just as Betty is my mother. His story of becoming Bettys dad is one that makes me shake me head and smile.

In 1961 he met a woman, my step grandma, name Betty Fremont. Betty had 9 children (one of them my 8 year old step mom, also named Betty) and had been widowed not once but twice. She was older than him by a few years and like I said before she had 9 children. Tom had never been married and had no children, but he took a chance on Betty Fremont. They dated and decided to marry. 50 years ago on February 20, 1963 they were married. Together they had 3 more children, moved from Texas to Florida to Virginia and then finally to Georgia where they still live today. I hear them tell it and I just can't believe that a handsome young fella like Tom was willing to take on a woman with 9 children! He was in love and he also loved those kids. He was there father in every sense of the word. He is their father and he taught them so much about loving people as family even if they were not family. In a big sense he helped make Betty as willing to love and embrace 2 young kids who needed the love she had to give. I am forever grateful to Thomas Salter for that and for so many other things.

In 1998 I had the privilege to travel with him for 3 weeks to Australia! It truly was a trip of a lifetime and I am so thankful to have shared it with him. He was stationed in Australia in the Navy in the late 1950's and he was and excellent tour guide! I learned so much from him and about him in those weeks. Each time I see him we reminisce about our time down under and crack inside jokes about our  trip.

He is such a joy in my life and I have a heavy heart as I pray and wait for news that will shock and sadden me deeply, even though I know what is coming. People can't live forever. We are all mortal. Yet it is still so hard and feels tragic even when a life ends after years of happiness and fulfillment. Tom knows Jesus intimately and I know the Lord is his shepherd.

I love you forever, Tom.

Mud pies

"We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."
~ The Weight of Glory

This quote has been rolling around my brain for days now after reading it. Recently I have been forced to face some of my own shortcomings. Battles that have raged war in my mind and for my heart for years and years. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever find real freedom from those thoughts and actions this side of heaven. One part of me says no. Nope, you will just struggle forever. We each have our burdens to bear and our scars from living in the world. Yet there is another side that says yes. YES! You can be free! Jesus died for your ransom from this prison in your mind. You don't have to be in jail, you have been given the key and you have to let yourself out through the blood of the lamb. Sometimes I think the only thing getting in my way is me. I want to know the tools to get out of my way. 

This quote makes me really think that maybe, just maybe, God wants more for me here. Right now. Not just in eternity, but right now.



 

"Motherhood brings as much joy as ever, but it still brings boredom, exhaustion, and sorrow too. Nothing else ever will make you as happy or as sad, as proud or as tired, for nothing is quite as hard as helping a person develop his own individuality especially while you struggle to keep your own." -- Marguerite Kelly and Elia Parsons

So, are you guys going to try for that boy?

This question makes me crazy. CRAZY. It does so so for many reasons.

First of all, who says I want to try for one more baby? Not me. I love pregnancy and birth and I love my children, but I think I'm all done. I've had two cesareans, and while many women have great experiences having 3 even 4 of them, I don't think that's a good option for me. I had a hard time healing after the first one and I don't want to chance it again. That being said I don't think I would have a third baby even if I had been able to have a vaginal birth with Eden. I have a story to illustrate my point. A few moths ago just after we moved into our new home Emaline and I were down in the basement pulling out Christmas decor. She found the baby bouncer chair and pulled the little toy that makes a song play. I heard the song and all of a sudden my heart started racing and I got anxious. The reason I felt that way is because when my babies were newborns that sound meant they were discontent and about to need nursed/changed/held etc. The music made me nervous that someone needed me urgently RIGHT NOW and I realized that the idea of a newborn made me feel anxiety. I didn't think about the sweetness, or the smells or their tiny bodies, I thought about work. And sleeplessness. I think that says a lot.

We also plan to adopt soon. Well, relatively soon. We're taking our time and trying to be obedient to the Lord in this. To be honest sometimes I don't want to do this at all. the money and commitment are enough to send me running the other way. However, God has made it clear to us that we are to follow Him and we believe He is leading us toward adoption.

Lastly, if I did have another baby I would be more than happy with another girl. Take that, world. I love having girls and I know about girls. I have all girl stuff. My husband is a tremendous father to girls. In fact, I believe 100% that he is the reason God gave us two girls. David is an amazing daddy of daughters and I know my girls will have a leg up in life because he was their Daddy. They will know their worth and know how they are to be treated because of his earthly example of love and leadership. He would also be great with a boy, but even he said it makes sense for him to be surrounded by women. He loves it.  Also, who says my girls are going to be pink wearing ballerinas or my son will love dirt and ball? We have children to raise them into God loving, kind, caring adults, not to make little miniature versions of ourselves.

I feel better now!

1

My Eden Elizabeth is turning one year old in a week. Sigh. I can hardly imagine that it's been that long. What a bittersweet milestone it is when your baby turns one. Since the beginning of February I have been thinking about what I was doing one short year ago and as this week approcahed the memories become more and more vivid.

She is my love bug, my barnacle, as we lovingly call her. She is all about her momma and I love it...most of the time. She is sweet and affectionate, yet fiercely independent when she wants to be.

All week I plan on remembering, celebrating, crying a little and trying to old time still. I am pretty positive Eden will be the last baby I give birth to and that makes this milestone extra hard on me.