I LOVE this song

It's in the singing of a street corner choir
It's going home and getting warm by the fire
It's true, where ever you find love, it feels like Christmas

A cup of kindness that we share with another
A sweet reunion with a friend or a brother
In all the places you find love, it feels like Christmas

It is the season of the heart
A special time of caring
The ways of love made clear 
It is the season of the Spirit

The message if we hear it
Is 'Make it last all year'

It's in the giving of a gift to another
A pair of mittens that were made by your mother
It's all the ways that we show love that feel like Christmas

A part of childhood we'll always remember
It is the summer of the soul in December
It's when you do your best for love, it feels like Christmas 

It is the season of the heart
A special time of caring
The ways of love made clear \

 It is the season of the spirit
The message if we hear it
Is 'Make it last all year'

It's in the singing of a street corner choir
It's going home and getting warm by the fire
It's true, where ever you find love, it feels like Christmas (all)

It's true, where ever you find love
It feels like Christmas
It feels like Christmas
It feels like Christmas
It feels like Christmas

A word to describe

This is an ode to my sisters, because the word friend seems hollow when trying to describe what these women are to me.

In the fall of 1999 I moved onto the campus of MVNC. It's ironic that the slogan of the school is "Life Changing", because it's cliche and cheesy, but 100% true in my experience. Sure, I learned stuff and got a degree and all that, but the thing that changed me the most were the women I met there. Some guys too, but mostly my women friends. We all assembled ourselves Freshman year. That year we even tried to petition to live off campus in a house my dad was going to buy me! Ha! I was so disappointed at the time but now I am so glad we weren't allowed to move to Ames St.

That year my family exploded just a bit. My dad had an affair with my step-mom's dearest friend. It was a nightmare. My dad had always been my rock and he was suddenly a lying cheat. My biological mom was a hot mess and she was in and out of my life and abusing drugs. I was usually embarrassed and ashamed and tried to put on a brave face, but I crumbled in front of these newish friends...and they carried me. They carried me in prayer, by making me laugh until I cried, by asking me the hard questions, by going with me to my hometown after Betty moved out. They loved me so well. I had never known friends like this before. Friends who could get on their knees and pray for me but also pile into a Geo Metro and drive around a golf course making my sides split with laughter.

We went to college on a dry campus and so we had a different college experience from most of our high school friends from home. Instead of going to keg parties and clubs, we went to the city center mall and watched movies. We went on drives and to Wal-Mart. We ate a lot of Taco Bell. Yet during this time God was knitting us together. I can't stress enough that we are and were knit together. Together we endured stuff like break-ups, bad grades, arguments with our parents and money woes. We also walked shoulder to shoulder when our parents were sick and when we had questions about who Jesus was. I sensed early on that these friends were lifelong. These women would be my tribe in this life's journey.

We've gone through some serious stuff, my friends and I. The other day Kelli spoke in chapel at MVNU and shared her story and what God did in her life through a series of devastating losses. It was a surreal moment in my life to be sitting in that big auditorium next to Summer and listening to Kelli tell some of her part of our bigger story. Babies have been born (lots of them!) and tragically we have mourned sweet babies gone before their mama's got to love on them outside the womb. Some babies born after much struggle to get them and some after a whoops! Babies that have been sick and their moms shook with fear, but we held vigil and sent cards and brought food (or walked the hospital grounds while I puked and cried...). We have loved babies not born of our bodies but of our hearts. We have buried grandparents, friends and even a mother. There have been cross country moves, job changes, home buying and selling and refinancing. Parents have had strokes, heart attacks, depression, cancer and one has remarried. We have rejoiced and danced and caught bouquets at each others weddings. Some of us got married when we were still in school and others of us wondered and waited and longed for what seemed like eternity.

What I mean to say is that as I have gone through these last 15 crazy beautiful, hard, wonderful years I have looked to my left and to my right and these ladies have been there. Cheering me on and praying for me and loving me when I was hard to love. I am not romanticizing or being sentimental, I am speaking the truth. Jenny, Amy, Liz, Maria, Beth, Elisha, Kelli, Summer, Tiffany, Wendy, Holly and Heather you ladies changed my life and have been the hands and feet of Jesus to me in ways I can't quite explain or put into words. You make me laugh until I cry and you pray when I just can't. There is distance in miles but it doesn't matter. Truth is, when I picture Heaven someday I often imagine it being a little bit like Maplewood 102.

Reese

On Friday October 10 my brother and his wife welcomed their first child! A precious baby girl named Reese Eileen. She is my first biological niece and I am over the moon about her. Rachel was a week "over due" and we were all on pins and needles waiting for the big day. Her labor was long and hard, but she was a warrior. She is one tough cookie! At 9:57pm Reese graced us all with her presence. When I first saw her I cried. She is just precious and beautiful. I look forward to the days ahead and the memories to be made with my girls and Reese. My cousins were some of my first and favorite friends as a child and I have hopes that our girls will grow up together.

One of the most wonderful parts of this new wee little girl is watching my brother fall head over heels in love with his baby daughter. He just can't stop smiling! He is overjoyed and says at night he just enjoys sitting there staring at her. It's adorable to see and I have choked up several times watching it. Today he called me a tad concerned about Reese's bowel movements. He was so concerned and so willing to try anything to get her to go. Five minutes later he texted me to let me know she had a blow out and all was well. Ha! She is so well loved and cared for by her parents. Dane is already and awesome dad and taking such great care of his girls!

Then there is Rachel. Rachel is walking around like she didn't just endure a 26 hour labor and then major abdominal surgery! She's tough as nails I tell ya!! She is in love too and just so calm. She just exudes so much peace and confidence and I am in awe. Plus, she's a nursing champ! Reese is latching great, getting plenty, and they are just so laid back and content. I love it! This is so the opposite of how I was and it's refreshing. She has no expectations of herself in this area and she is just taking it as it comes and she's doing beautifully! I am so proud of her and the loving choices she has made for her baby girl.

So yeah, we are all in love and googly eyed over here. Reese is our favorite topic and we are looking at her picture multiple times throughout the day. Being an aunt is good.

5

My girl will be five in a day. 5. How do I put into words the ways in which this girl, Emaline Joy, has rearranged my life in the most achingly beautiful ways?

There just aren't enough words in my vocabulary to say what's in my heart. She and her sister are the two things I am most proud of in this world. This song by ABBA says what I can't. Tonight as I reflect on the sweetness of her 5th birthday party and the last 5 years I listen to this and I cry.

Schoolbag in hand, she leaves home in the early morning
Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile
I watch her go with a surge of that well known sadness
And I have to sit down for a while
The feeling that I'm losing her forever
And without really entering her world
I'm glad whenever I can share her laughter
That funny little girl

Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Do I really see what's in her mind
Each time I think I'm close to knowing
She keeps on growing
Slipping through my fingers all the time

Sleep in our eyes, her and me at the breakfast table
Barely awake I let precious time go by
Then when she's gone, there's that odd melancholy feeling
And a sense of guilt I can't deny
What happened to the wonderful adventures
The places I had planned for us to go
Well, some of that we did, but most we didn't
And why, I just don't know

Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Do I really see what's in her mind
Each time I think I'm close to knowing
She keeps on growing
Slipping through my fingers all the time

Sometimes I wish that I could freeze the picture
And save it from the funny tricks of time

Slipping through my fingers all the time

Schoolbag in hand, she leaves home in the early morning
Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile

Apples!

Today I am heading with my girls to Lynd's Fruit Farm in Pataskala to pick the first apples of the season!! They are Honeycrisps to boot! I am so excited!! I plan to make some wonderful treats as well as just eat them right off the branches as we pick! These are some of our favorite apples and one of our favorite activities of the year.

8 years

Yesterday David and I celebrated eight years of marriage. Eight years ago I was a naive and starry eyed bride, like many brides before and after me. I had very little idea of what marriage would really be like. Sure, people told me it was hard but I just couldn't grasp what they meant by that. Maybe they struggled, but David and I really loved each other. Not only that, but how could it be so hard when you got to have sex?! We waited (with several close calls) until our wedding night to have "marital relations" and I thought we would be immune to certain troubles because of that. To a point that has been true, but mostly I was just naive. I wrote this on my Facebook wall yesterday and wanted to add it here so I could easily find it.

"So few things about the last 8 years of marriage have been as I expected. They have been infinitely more difficult, but also much more beautiful. We have had stupid fights and really ugly ones. We have held our sick baby and trembled with fear. We have held our healthy babies and marveled at the undeserved goodness. We have disagreed on everything from how to discipline a strong willed child to how to load the dishwasher best. Our faith has unraveled and lost all meaning, but together we found something deeper and real on which we stand. We aren't perfect, beyond reproach or temptation. We are partners, best friends and we are committed. I love my husband with all of me and in the light and grace of Jesus. I know we are better together."

I never thought I would want to leave. Not just get in my car and drive away for an hour to cool off, but literally wanting to throw in the towel.  I never thought I would want to leave unless my husband cheated on me or became addicted to some poisonous substance, but I have. I have been so outraged by the little things turning into big things that I couldn't tell if it would ever work between us. I never thought I was capable of being so dreadful either. That I could say and do some of the cold and viscous things that I have. Marriage has brought out my ugliest character defects and shone a spotlight on them. No, it hasn't been easy. But we have stayed and we will stay because we want to. Not just because there is so much love and history, but because each day we choose each other.

There is so very much to be said about building a life with another person and about birthing and raising a family with them. The level of intimacy I share with my husband is so beautiful it feels like the sun...you can't really look directly at it. It's a mind blowing intensity. Even though it is so beautiful and my heart about exploded with love for my man, the first year after we became parents was one of our hardest. Another hard year was the one after Eden was born. Transitions are never easy and we tend to find that kind of transition tricky. Mostly because we have to navigate what it looks like to carve out time for our relationship amid all the other demands. Challenge! As hard as it can be I have to say that watching my husband parent our girls has brought unspeakable joy to my heart. They are two blessed little ladies and they know it. I did good picking a daddy for my children. 

We went out on a date last night and our time together was a perfect snapshot of who and what we are together. We got in an argument that left me saying "call your mom and tell her not to come. I don't even want to go anywhere with you." Which then turned into me apologizing, then him apologizing. Then we got ready to go and we thought the other was so hot that we were ready to go at it before we walked out the door. At dinner we both cried as we talked about what God is showing us in our lives. In the car "U Can't Touch This" by MC Hammer came on the radio and we busted a gut rapping with each other. We then went to the same place where we became a couple and reminisced about that day nearly ten years ago and laughed and smiled about how precious it was. We hugged. We kissed. We laughed. We cried. We fought. All in one date. Such is our beautiful, real, imperfect life together that I wouldn't trade for anything.

What if...

Lately I have been experiencing some new freedom. It's counter cultural and is really challenging what I have always accepted as the truth. What if what I have always believed about my body was a lie? What if:

It was alright to love to eat?
My hunger was not something to be ashamed of?
I didn't need to be a certain weight?
I ate healthful food until I was full and became comfortable with the number on the scale?
I could be beautiful and attractive and a size with 2 digits?
Having skin removal surgery wasn't a must because I was ok with what remained?
I looked in the mirror and focused solely on what I love about my body?
Eating was only for nourishing myself and not to fill some kind of hole?
Eating wasn't just about fuel, but connection with others?
I could eat all the food I want in front of others?
I never had to count points again?
I stopped eating when I was full?
My knee jerk reaction to emotions wasn't to open my refrigerator?

 
"If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them." The Promises from AA

This is happening to me and it is a miracle. This is different than it has ever been. I am eating, I am exercising and I am not obsessed with either. Certainly there are moments when I feel weak, but I am learning not to fight but to surrender to win, to overcome. I am learning that for today there are certain foods that I should avoid because for some reason they are like poison to my mind. Instead of feeling deprived I feel full and I feel sane. After years and years and years of feast or famine it feels like such a gift to be sustained.